blkdragon

grounded
2008-03-04 18:38:45 (UTC)

Every day is a test

3/3--7:32AM--I woke before the alarm, stayed in bed and
apparently went back to sleep, reawakened before the alarm
again and got out of bed; I need to go through the
counseling paperwork and decide upon a course of action. My
call with ~t was very pleasant, I wonder what I was hoping
for and realize although I may not have projected nervous
anticipation, I talked too much; we were on the phone for an
hour and I hadn't noticed the time passing. Why was it so
important to get this call perfect, why did I feel a need to
greatly impress her, I'm sure it has something to do with
having read her diary. The beauty of my diary is the fact
that I only know when someone's read it by their response to
an entry, unlike Lynne's, it shows her who's been there and
when; I don't need to know any of that.
What was I hoping for (during my conversation with ~t),
acceptance, a magical connection; perhaps. I think we all
want the lines in the puzzle to miraculously disappear, for
the picture to become whole and clear, to be able to see
ourselves in the grand scheme of things and know that we
belong there; that is not the way of life. We want to know
that we can live in two point harmony with someone that
understands the music we play, the music our souls sing.
What was the relativity, I decided to forgo my education,
the need to provide an immediate life took precedence; will
I always use that as an excuse for where I am right now? Is
it indeed an excuse or an explanation, the good things about
interacting with anyone are the questions we end up asking
ourselves about ourselves; what if the answers aren't to our
liking?
Will the difference in educational backgrounds be enough to
create a barrier that can't be overcome, I certainly hope
not but I see that it has and does for some. I'm not
intimidated by a woman that earns more than I, after all,
it's only money and regardless of the fact that it is the
means to span considerable horizons, a life alone is still
not a real life; otherwise we be self procreating.
I'm sure my Sister has a good time taking her Sons to
various places and sharing that experience with them, as did
I when I drove my boys to Florida, it would have been
different for us all if I had "my woman" with me; it would
have been a much fuller experience.
I spent my youth hiding myself, in what I did and how I
felt, I won't ever do that again; I have no fear of the
truth, especially about myself. It's in knowing more about
myself that I'm able to understand others. I know what I
risked in not continuing my education, it was the time I'd
get to spend with my boys, I wouldn't change anything; both
of them are truly caring individuals. I'm proud to say that
they are Human Beings, neither of them would ever go out of
their way to hurt anyone, their compassion manifests itself
in different ways; Joshua and Charles value all life, they
both also possess a strong love for children.
Would they be the same young men if I hadn't refused to
sacrifice increasing my earning potential, is the risk I
took worth that sacrifice, I don't think they'd say it was;
not while they're struggling so hard. Life is about the
struggles we face, how we face them, what we become as a
result of them. Had their Mother been able to handle the
economic and emotional load, returning to school might have
been doable, she and it wasn't.
I just had a thought that scares me, the thought of being
married to Charlotte, something tells me that she's to be my
wife; she's been coming to mind all morning. I know that
she's been hoping to hear me confirm her hopes that I still
love her, I think this is why she's been telling me about
all these men that are attracted to her, I think she
believes that no other man will love her as I have/do and
she's probably right; she's afraid she fucked up her chances
with me because of Billy. My thoughts are whether or not I'd
be settling for Charlotte, earlier in our relationship I
thought I could spend the rest of my life with her, these
thoughts began bothering me to no end; I sent a text to
Lynne and asked her to call me when she could.
I decided to go back to bed, my chest was bothering me,
seemed more like my heart and I think it was all too much
for me to deal with; I wanted oblivion.
I'd send Charlotte a text, telling her that thoughts of her
were scaring me, I didn't know that she had a Doctor's
appointment today; I was still in bed when she called. I had
too many feelings swimming in me, I didn't want to deal with
any of them, I had a lot of things I wanted to accomplish
today; they would all be relegated to "not now!"
She called and wanted to know what was up, I decided it was
time for us to be totally honest with each other, I asked
her about the silences we'd been having on the phone; I told
her that I thought she wanted me to remind her that I still
love her and I didn't feel a need to remind her of what she
already knew. I thought I'd transformed that level of love
into something I could handle, I thought keeping my distance
was enough to lessen it's intensity, I'm also wondering why
talking to ~t seemed to give rise to all of this?
Charlotte started telling me about the dreams she'd been
having lately, one in which Billy was allowed into her house
while she slept, he brought Lisa with him and Lisa had a
weapon; things escalated and the police became involved. One
of the dreams was about her moving out of the state, those
made her think she was moving on our account, she told me
that I'd said I would relocate to be with her and I couldn't
remember that.
We talked about the rift between us, how what I said to her
hurt and made her angry, I told her that she hurt me when
she returned to Billy; even though I expected it! I really
didn't think my feelings for her were so strong that it
would have mattered, apparently I was wrong. We talked about
the things I felt would be a problem if we decided to travel
our roads together, the gambling being the most important, I
mentioned when I'd gone to the casino with her; how I didn't
care about gambling but was happy to share what pleased her.
I know that all the times I'd spent with Charlotte were very
special, she made a point to make it so, maintaining
intimacy and contact; especially when I first went to get her.
She mentioned when we made love, how her thoughts returned
to those moments, I mentioned how I felt rushed and wondered
if I'd met her expectations; I then told her that I thought
we became intimate too soon. She told me that she thought we
were friends first, I told her that we were friends, but
that I still thought we took that next step too soon;
primarily because she wasn't finished with Billy. I reminded
her that I didn't want to talk about her relationship with
him then, how I didn't want to influence the outcome of her
relationship with him, I didn't want to be guilty of having
ulterior motives; I wanted her to come to her decision based
on what he'd shown her, not what I told her.
I mentioned not wanting to be one of those guys that came in
and out of her Daughter's life, if I was going to be in her
Daughter's life I wanted it to be permanent, she mentioned
not wanting to use me just for sex; when did her respect
come into our equation and what did this mean?
Is it loneliness that drives me, I thought being alone
wasn't a problem, I've always been alone; is the creep of
time a factor in these feelings I've been pushing from me? I
wondered, had Charlotte visited would I have gotten a call,
what happened to the long distance thing? I know that I
don't have much of a problem with distance, so I've told
myself, being with Charlotte proved to be a strain on me in
every sense; she didn't have to deal with half as much as I.
All I know is that I'm tired of having to be "hard,"
whenever I'm not writing, whenever I'm in public. I don't
have to be hard with "my woman" at my side, I can be soft
enough to make her smile, I can be soft enough to smile myself!
Lynne called and we talked about Charlotte, she asked if
Charlotte were ovulating, Charlotte had just told me earlier
that she was; she was on her way to her Doctor's
appointment. Lynne told me what happens 7 days before and
after, she thinks Charlotte in my life is a really bad idea,
I hear her and I understand her concerns for my emotional
well-being; that's been skewed for the last 30 days. All the
more reason to move at a snails pace, where everything is
concerned.
Charles called and asked if I'd come to a party being hosted
for him on the 15th, I told him that I would, I may give him
this computer for his birthday; I'll give it some thought!
His call woke me and although I was exhausted in every sense
of the word, his call came at the right time, I noticed that
I didn't feel as bothered by him as I have in the past; the
fact that his voice brought me a measure of ease is worthy
of note. I can't wait to hug him, to feel my Son in my arms.




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