cutebaby200514

daisy1614
2008-02-24 21:09:17 (UTC)

Thought I had problems in 2005?

After telling the boyfriend in 05 that I liked his friend,
we broke up & I went and did horrible things, I slept with
a guy I used to see when I was 16 and then got pregnant in
a church parking lot, my car died, i lived with my parents
while pregnant and worked 2 jobs @ times then got a job at
TruGreen which is a lawn care company. I like my job just
don't agree w/ certain things. So now u get to see
everything leading up to now.


8/1/07
So, so much for keeping in touch with my self after Collin
was born, I lived with mom & dad until June 15 then moved
to W. King St. Lancaster at The Umbrella Works
Apartments. It's a five story warehouse style building 1
block away from the square. Bryan lived with us we had our
ups and downs and points where I beat the shit out of him.
Also points where he would leave for weeks at a time. It
all was good at first he stayed home with Collin and I
worked all day at TruGreen, then he would occasionally
have a job for a few days working 3rd shift one job my mom
got him at the Clipper Stadium cleaning he fucked it up
and tried to lie to me about it. August 18 2006 Collin was
on the floor playing on his tummy Bryan was drinking soda
the soda spilled and I flipped out (by this time there was
an issue with pain medication and this is when it all
played out) got up to get a towel mean time he gets up to
get a towel was on muscle relaxers and kicked Collin in
the head. (I didnt know yet what happened, I thought his
arm was broke or he stipped on him who knew) Collin just
starts screaming, I call mom we go to the ER at Lancaster
General, get Colin out of the car and notice a red mark on
his head(Bryan was wearing work boots) go in the room
expained what I had seen which was nothing, next a cop is
calling the hospital from my apartment tells me Bryan had
overdosed on muscle relaxers shit hit the fam. I balled
and balled long story short Collin had his head scanned it
was all good But it was turned into a police report. Bryan
had to go, I kicked him out that day. Took off work Now
had no sitter for my child. I cried all night and day. Now
I was along in a city with a baby about to lose my job, no
sitter, no money, no nothing. I interviewd 3 sitters they
were horrible. Then I found Nina on broad street. She's an
angel. She was white had a clean more home feeling house
and she is great and a life saver. She first charged 54.00
of 125.00 a week I did that for 6 months. Bryan ended up
coming back I couldnt get him to sign off the lease and
when he did sign papers he was still on the lease. We
started having his daughter on the weekends Lillian
Mackenzie. She is adorable and I instantly fell in love
with her which is probably why I stayed with him for so
long other than he is a bad drug. Christmas we went to my
parents and hten had LIlly that morning (christmas eve).
Colin got lost of giffts and I got a digital camera.
Colings b-day party was at longs park, jenn mom, carla,
bryan, jodie (her kids) and Bryan & Deb were there. By now
collin is crawling and taking bayb setps and NIna still
sits and I have CCIS my copay was 30.00. Memorial day
wekeend Bryan was planning on leaving to go to Chris's I
was pissed and since ha had a warrent out for his arrest I
dcalled the dispatcher and had him taken to jail which is
where he sits now. He had to leave sometime just because I
wa smoving and needed only me and collin to be on the
lease. That weekend I went to my Grandma's house which was
nice and I need to go again soon. Collin really started
taking steps here and there at her hsoue and loved to
climb the stairs. A month after that I now have a walking
all ove rht eplace child who has pinke eye. About this
time while Collin has pink eye last week in june i'm
moving to quarryville and started talking to Tony again. I
met him online when iw as like 14 or 15 lol now i'm 20 i
like dhim then because I thought he was bad and cool. Then
his "fiance" son's mom called 1 day when I was 16 and
tells me about her self. WE never talked once until 1 week
b4 i moved to quarryville. his son is 4 named alex (what a
coincidence that every guy that has fucked and got a girl
pregnant uses my baby names (lilly, alex, what's next
lorelai?). Tony claims to not be seeing anyone. We met for
the 1st time on a Saturday probably the last Saturday or
actually it was a sunday anyways, at the park in myerstown
in lebanon county. i was os nervous and scared if i had
not had my child i would probably smoked a pack of
cigaretts he drove a black mustang cobra, we met at the
hess station in schaefferstown then went to the park.
Collin played and we sat there. He's a lil older than me
lol and apparently has a house works in consturction is
italian dark hair beautiful eyes not too tall and not too
short just right, not too skinny but not fat, good build,
he had on a had, a t shirt and shorts. We sat in the
pavilion as colin played for 2 or 3 horus, his mom was
apparnetly watching his son. we got close, he kissed me
then started ksising my kneck and holding me. (naughty
boy) It's now been a month and yea we have had sex and see
each other (not enough) and usually he comes down to my
place. Kind of bothers me he never asked me to come up
there sometimes maks me feel something is being hid. Also
havnt met the son which i would like to meet but he says
he asks too many questions right now he feels like or it
feels ilike i'm his little play toy and i want more than
sex with him. He sat there and called me his princess. I
walked around wondering for a week what a princess meant.
So one day I state I dont have a boyfriend and he got
pissy with me apprently being a princess makes me his. i
want to tell him how i feel right now, i dont want to just
fuck him i want to hug kiss cuddle do things together be
able to wake up in his arms occasionally, be passionate
with him (I miss the feeling of making love) And everytime
I try to tell him how i feel it comes out wrong or i'm
told he has a life too and that distance is complicating
and children are complicating too. God I wqant him tho, so
bad, to have him hold me, go places, dor normal things not
just fuck that would be nice. . .

August 12 2007 (Camerons 3rd birthday)
Collin's in bed, I'm sitting on the couch listening to
songs that make me cry and my writing is looking horrible.
I'm bored and tired and can't sleep. Last sunday which
wuld have been the 4th or 5th Tony came down for a few
hours that was the day I really felt like a fuck whore and
the whole week I just dint want to talk or see him. So
wednesday I was already to just go off on him but that was
not till 9pm when I got off work and ealier that day he
had told me he was oging to bed at 9 what a coincidence he
goes to bed right at the time i get off work right? so i
didnt call him 9:40 rolls around and i'm on the phone w/
jenn bitching up a storm, i had all the words in my head
and he blew them to questions again by telling me he
called because he knows i liketo talk to him at night and
that we had not been able to talk much and he wnate dto
talk (yea for 5 minutes) I guess he did go to bed but woke
up to call me. So, I didnt tell him then last night
(friday night) we atlked and I was smoking, he knew damn
well I was smoking and asked if i was and i said no in a
way to be sarcastic and he says are you lying to me again
i say no he says yes you are you lied ot me now in my
brain it wasnt really lying becaause he knew damn well i
was smoking but yet i lied and instead of just telling me
he was mad he says he is going to bed (whatever) so i go
off on a limb which wasnt a limb it's how i was feeling.
Told him i felt like a once a week fuck and tht yes i want
dick especially his but i also want to be more i want to
be able to cuddle have him hold me do normal things, not
that sex isnt normal but a normal relationship ( know this
wont be completly normal but...) you dont see each other
and just fuck not talk about yoru lives your day how you
feel and be able to go places and do things together and i
had stated to him earlier in the week i was tired and
almost started balling on the phoen with him because of
how i feel and now all of it is him a lot has to do with
my job too but yet a lot is that i spend almost everyday
wonderingif i realy am the only girl if this going to go
somewhere and if it's all going to go right. wondering if
he 's secretly married or something wondering how many
gilrs he says what he says to me to wondering why i can
never reach him from 7pm to 10pm on most days why we only
ususlaly spend 3 or 4 hours tobeather wondering if he
knows how much i care how bad i wish i could see him
everyday wondering just hoe he really feels i was told not
to fall to hard and i feel like i'm falling them climbing
then falling it's sometimes a roller coaster ride. one day
he's everything and the next i feel nothing but yet i sit
there and literally make my self sick.
8/14/07
Pissed off:
I'm pissed, not pissed but, hurt. I'm ready to just not
talk to tony which i know i say every week but i'm fed up!
I'm tired of this game that i'm stuck in i want him so bad
and i feel like he doesnt even care i'm nto the t ype of
person to express my feelings with bryan i could i beat
him up but with tony, it's different i dunno why but today
at 4:00 actually yesterday since it's 1am today he calle
dan d was thinking of meeting somewhere but i have collin
and i guess that was a issue he sai dhe was ogin to lose
signal and would call me back when he got signal 5pm rolsl
around-nothing 5:30pm rolsl around - nothing he had isngal
it didnt say "please hold while the nextel subscriber you
are trying to reach is located" it rang once and went to
voice mail. how surpising. i'm starting to think a) he's
just not hte intersted b) he has a wife or woman c) his
phone jsut really sucks. I'm guessing most likely a / b.
ya know i'm trying so har dnot to start jumping to
conlsuions but it's getting hrder and harder everyt day so
tonight he just doesnt fee like talking to people but to
me saying i was upset not about signal but 7pm he was
getting ready to eat and siad owuld c/b in 20 minues 20
min, 30 min, 40 min, 4 hours almos go buy and no phone
call.
----
I dont even know the date today I think it's september 1st
and as of tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since i've seen
tony. HA surprise surprise right? let sthink about this
why does it even surpsie me anymore. the phone calls are
getting old and the word maybe is translated as no. i'm
tired of wanting more and not getting more. i want more
than fucking i'm tired of the excuses i'm really
considering just claiming i'm single because at this rate
i maet as well be that. tired of the word miss you theres
nothign to miss miss cock maybe but nothign more htan
that. promises and triple promises that are always broken
and the words soon i want you need you they translate to i
want to fuck, i need to fuck that's what it all revolves
around and me being the girl tht wants sex all the time
you would think it doesnt bother me but it does because i
want to love want to cuddle want to go places want to be a
part not jsut a fuck and i try to express these feeligns
all the time but i guess i have to spell it out and i'm
not asking for marrige or anything but i'm asking for a
relationship. sometimes i want to jsut say fuck it i'm
done and for some odd reason i just keep haning on and
everyone who knows me and cares about me they all say the
same things there's another someone which makes sense. so,
yea, if i try to express my feelings it doesnt work and i
get scared when i try to doi t over the phone so i sned
text messages and then he askes why i sen stupid text
messages. I want him, I want him more than one way and for
some reason. I feel that I'm jsut waisting my time playing
a game and i sore i wouldnt let my guard down and here i
sit. witha gut feeling, a heart, and a brian, and they
all say different things and the normal person would go
with the gut feeing but do you think i am normal do y ou
think i would listen to my gut of course not! i keep
playing games the excuse of the sone is getting told i
have a son and an apartment bills a family and i make time
for him he knows my son met my son has plaed with my son
and my son knows how i feel he can feel that and my son
knows and sees us togeather and i'm having a hard time
udnerstanding why it's after 2 or 3 months of talking and
seeing each other and when we want to see each other he
still has someone babysit and he has his son all the time
now so i'm not sure what is oging on but i do know i'm
tired. also i dont want to start bagering him with the
2,000 questions but damn he knows my whoel leife story and
knows my everyday fears and shit i deal with but as far as
he goes when he feels and when he watns to talk he talkes
and me i hve no coise if i dont talk i get hung up on but
when i bitch buttoms are pressed in my hear and when i
talked too mudch he "squaws" at me. so yesterday i got off
work early and amazingly he called me but i was at the
sitters so i called back and he was cleaning his car who
cleans a cr for 3 horus i'm not sure but about 10 he calls
and jenn and i were talking so of course he goes to making
joes about me n jenn doing stuff then says he'll clean out
her car how the fuck am i too feel whent he person i want
says that and not to mention i have NO self confidence so
yea. i got attitude he hung up on me i called back and he
hung up on me because i had attitude i tried to explaine
and he got aggrivated and clained he's talking to me later
i didnt cral back right awya but i texted b4 i went to bed
to say how i felt and aksed what he wants from this and
wht he wants from me called him this mronig and that's
when he said the text's were stupid . to me i want answer
sand i watn them fast i'm ntire dof not knowing so then he
says maybe he'll come see me but he has to get a sitter
why is it always coming to see me i'm not aloud up there i
cant meet his son i cant know what he already knows about
me? grrr! So it's now 9pm no tony no phone call saying hey
i'm not going to make it no i'm sorry todays not going to
work so what the fuck am i to think?

October 25 2007
~~~5 weeks go by still no tony so, daniell texted me on a
thrusday asking fi i was seeing anyone i said "kinda" she
says she has a guy she wants me to meet blah blah i said
no because of tony so, that wekend tony yet again stood me
up again sturday night we talked then sunday no tony
sunday night no tony so i get worried and upset and monday
no tony finally monday morning after having ben call also
tony calls flips because i flipped telling me i'm being
too serious and ac ting like we're married blah blah blah
not to wait for him so that afternoon dantiell asked me to
go with her to a friend house so i did ..... He lives in
the white hosue in the corner of the rawlinsville in a
small ass apartment i stood in the doroway for probably 20
mintues then finally sat down while they talked about
football and roofing job because little did i knwo she
wanted me to talk to this person to get a her a job with
him roofing eventually we left i went to my aprents i
informed my dad i was going to start seeing girsl due to
the fact of tony issue the guys name was john and honestly
thought nothign of him and thought he thoguht nothing
about me until danielle informed he he thought iw as hot.
wasint going to mention my hour at another guys house to
tony was just oging to let it go but i didnt i told him
and told him how he said i was hot. tony that night
questioned me on the guys name and basically told me the
guys name then questioned me on p hoen numbers i had
called and my phone i started flipping out called danielel
asked what the fuck was going on so tony calls the guy who
apparently was not told i had a boyfirend even tho my so
called boyfriend stood me up for 4 weeks in a row witha
million difeferent excuses told the guy if he didnt leave
his gilrfirend alone he would slit his throgt! the guy
calls danielle she is calling me with the waht the fuck so
tony forbids me to talk to the guy ever again. so i left
it go with the notion in my head that the following
weekend was tony's last chnace to stand me up yet right 2
wekends later still no tony so i did start to talk to that
guy because obviously tony didnt give a shit i went to the
guys hosue a few times hung out with him and his son tony
finally came but it was when he was working in coastville
and styaed here friday night i left the key out for him
and came home to him who was laying in my bed sleeping
then informed me he broke my shower head we slept togther
that night staurday he leaft at like 6 am for work by this
time the other guy is claiming he wants me and is falling
for me i still was not sure on tony thought he come that
night because of wanting to fuck and he was workign clsoe
to the house so a few days later monday he was to come
stay again lef tthe key out for him and all that he called
said he couldnt come that night i ended up doing something
very very bad tuesday tony didnt come because he was
getitng his work truck bac k wednesday that was actually
so it was tuesday he said his son was in the hospital
wednesday was the truck and wednesday awas the day it all
hit the fan. i informed him i didnt want to see him and iw
as seeing someone else, i wanted someone else probably
because i couldnt stand anymore excuses and it wasnt
working and i was tired of waiting he was furious and i
denied sleeping wiht the guy thursday after apparently he
had made many threats and called me a slut whore bitch my
pussy sucked i was unstable an unfit mother couldnt take
care of my self he lvoes me he's not letting me go he
would kill john so i couldnt be with anyone but tony john
and i saw each other for the last time that thursday and
slept together again twice friday johns grandma died his
babies mom took hsi car he couldnt get his work check i
also threw my phone at the wall tony had apparently made
threats some more tony came over sturday i wouldnt even
let him kiss me so he left saturday night john dana
danielle and all them wanted me to go to the buck but id
idtn go i went home and cried and confessed to tony i
loved him and that i fucked john then the horrible
questiond did u use protection adid you enjoy it did he
cum in u i denied it all big major mistake !!! he wante
dto kill john tuesday tony came down we slept together he
fuxed the shower head all was good john stopped talking to
me monday that wekend i saw tony again also was fall fest
wekeend spent part of sunday with tony then the sunday
after that he came down in the mroning because mom took
collin to see finding neomo on ice we fucked and fucke
until i couldnt take it and he coudlnt cum. the following
thursday i told him john came in me and here i sit almost
2 or actually 1 week later wanting just to see him hold
him feel him love him and he is mad. and doesnt know what
to say to me one day he misses me the next i'm a stuipd
cunt i love him i want him i need him i wish i had never
went with danielle and never ever talked to john or
anything.

10/29/07
i dont understand this tony issue anymore. there's so much
i want and so lil i understand and i udnerstand he's mad
and i understand he's hurt but i also understand i miss
him miss his msell miss his kiss miss his eyes miss his
touch i just miss him he knows it too and i feel like he's
punishing me today he brought up the john incident again
claiming he should be able to fuck someone else and we
woud be even. that i am young and sutpid and dont know
what i want. when i told him we are even due to what he
did when i was younger. I was almos to the point of
wanting to meet him and then she calls and says sh ehad
his baby blah blah all the trust all the words everything
thrown out the window. it kind of hurt but also realized
how gullable words (the right ones can make someone) he
claims for it now to be that bad b/ we werent fucking and
ditn meet ok so if we would ahve met and been fucking that
meks it better? HA ok so i explained i was glad we didnt
meet b/c that ouwl d have hurt like hell to get that phone
call and hwo the fuck do i even kno that right now he's
not really seeing anyone else? never go to his house, not
aloud to meet his son b/c he talks? and asks too many
questions? i'm just a gilr that lives in quarryville who
thinks about him a lot and he knows ev erything about my
life which half of the time he uses it against me. he
comes here once a week we fuck cuddle hold each other thne
he leaves tells me he wants to make love to me but it
hasnt happened yet sometimes says he loves me wants me
misses me doesnt want me to cry but how do i know he's not
just leading another life. when i say i do know what i
want and i want him h claims if i really knew what i
wanted i would not have done what i did but if you look at
it from my side it was easy for me to do what id id
acutally not easy but considering i cant ever stop
thinkigna bout him and whitle it was going on couldnt help
but think what am i doing but i kept doing it - he didnt
tell me he cared show me hw atned more than just sex
wanted me as fmore than a fuck if i was so god damn
improtant he would not have gone away would have talked ot
me told me he cared all that but now. so i tell him iw ant
him to talk to me he says about what i say i dont know i
want to know what he wants. from me, why he wont open to
me why he always comes here or we meet somewhere the whole
son factor he's good enougyht ot meet my son wants to meet
my family met my best firend my friends friend good enough
to call my house, my parents house good enough to know all
about me good enough to call my job but me ha nothing i
only know the stuipd lil things and i dont know whjy he
wont let me in now he has the excuse of john but yet what
about before john? and yet i cant find a way to tell him
all that. what the fuck is wrong with me?

- - -

So, I'm to the point of being bored again. And 3 weeks of
punishment i guess you coudl call it is enough to make me
bored and gives me time to think of the stupid lil
thoughts that cross my minda ddaily and not qutie sure
what to say think or do anymore i feel like tony really is
hiding something like i really am just a side dish feel
like he really doesnt care or see how i feel i'm to the
point of wanting more not asking for marriage but asking
to see him askign to knwo where he lives asking to be a
part not just some girl in quarryville i want him i do i
really do but i dont want to just fuck him i am a family
girl and i want a a family i mean i have a family of
parents grandparents aunts uncles and my son of course but
i eventually want my own. i know by doing the whole john
thin that dint show i'm wanting to settle down but i am
and what hurts is i have a"boyfriend" that keeps me a
secret. i guess you oculd say nevr akss me to actually go
do things never really teslls me how he feels has a son
i've never met has a house that i've never seen and a life
which is all hidden from me i mean each day i usuall learn
something new but also need that physical stuff like jenn
she is seeing a guyu who doesnt drive just got out of jail
and is 25 years old works at subway but yet they go do
things like he took her out to a surpsie dinner and gave
her roses and they got a hotel room they go places go to
each others houses, met each others families. know things
about each otehr that no one else knows all i'm askin for
is to be normal do things have romance be able to want him
to meet my family there were times hwere i was clsoe to
being ready but something stops me my moms never met the
guy and doesnt really approve i dunno i want more than
fucking and talking on the phone.

Saturday 11/17/07
Well, last week 11/9 I talked to tony on friday around
5:30 he said he'd call later meanwhile jenn stayed the
ngiht friday and i colored her hair and fell asleep on the
floor my parents were in the mountains and tony wouldnt
answer his phone or call me until sunday when his phone
picked up by accident all i heard was a computer, a door,
a car, a man, and tony talking to the man. hung up after 5
minutes. so i text him about what i heard and asked if
this is how i deserve to be treated? monday still no tony
and i slept a total of 3 hours 11 am i call already have
iti n my head of no tony by tuesday no tony ever again but
he answered and i was speechless he explained he was
misserable and didnt want to talk to anyone it's nothign
id di he would call later monday night he called and i was
asleep passed out and not thinking about bitching so it
was tuesday when i was at jenns and tony called so i
stepped out and was nice but explained it hurst more when
he doesnt call at all than if he would just say i dont
feel like tlaking right now can i call you when i feel
better? So he appologized and said he would make it up to
me i todl him i had 2 c him b4 thanksgiving. i told him i
would call him later so i called later and then he caled
back i was asleep but he woke me up and we did the phone -
yea - and then he says love you get some sleep bye. next
mornign we talked then thrussday at 6am but not agian till
friday night at like 6 he told me when iw as at jenns i
could see him b4 thankstiving he has to work saturday till
3pm in reading so here i am 10:30 pm nothing i'm getting
fed up i dont know what's going on last night he says he
has to work today and i said i guess i wont be seeing you
and then he says not saturday and he was supposed to get a
plow that he bought 4 his truck so he was going 2 have his
dad talk to the guy and try to get it sunday mornign so
called mea gain last night late when i wa shalf asleep on
his way home and he said he'd call me today
***********************I'm so confused, and the dreams i'm
having dont really help my heart is hooked on tony but my
brain is saying something is up and i dont know what its
like he gest angry and jealous but then i'm supposed to
sit here and be ignored every week and accept his broken
promises and mixed up words. if he loves me then where is
he? i could be having a normal relationship but no i chose
tony and this game i'm stuck in is he seeing someone?
married? does he not want e? am i not pretty enough? is it
because i have a kid? because i have money issues? is he
busy with his dad? is he out doing something bad? when
will i knwo wher ehe lives? when do i meet his kid? when
will he meet my family? when will he tell me the truth (if
there is one) when will we start seeing each other like
normal people? why does he ignore me? why does my family
knwo about me and his probably has no idea? why does he
say he loves me? why do i want him and not feel he feels
the same way about me? why doesnt he answer when I call?
why dont we ever go anywhere? what is going thorugh is
brain? are we together? are we just fuck friends? wher eis
he? wondering all thse things and never ask him and my mom
is convinced he is in a relationship. God help me!

11/27/07
More Confused Than Ever
So, Thanksgiving was a shit hole. My mother and
grandmother both claim I need zoloft again. So I did make
an appointment for that for Dec 4 8:45. Not b/c of them
but b/c for welfare I need to have proof of needing a
sustaining medication. So, It's now been almost 7 weeks I
think since I have seen Tony for more than 2 hours and I'm
pissed. I tell him John came in me, beg for a 2nd chance.
He claims 2 b giving me a second chance. I have not had
sex with anyone but him, have not talked to anyone but
tony, ben, and tom. Which he knows all about. A guy at
work practically asks me to have sex with him and I tell
tony. So obviously I'm not hiding anything other than the
fact I have a million questions unanswered. Last wednesday
the day before thanksgiving - he claims 2 have been
working in hershey and that he will come over monday
(yesterday) and stay with me. So yesterday 6:00 in the
morning my phone is ringing and it's him, asking me to
take off the day d/t rain they did not have to work? Even
tho there were plenty of other times it's been raining /
snowing and he's working? So i explain I can not take off
because if i did i would lose all the pay from
Thanksgiving holiday and the friday after. So he asked if
I wanted him to meet me for lunch at 6 in the morning i'm
thinking no but by 8 when I got to work i was thinking yes
and thinking of leaving early. so i call him which he had
apparently "fell back 2 sleep". Explained to him I was
thinking of leaving early and how late would he be able to
meet? or if he wanted 2 come for lunch that would be fine
but if not like he had said at 6 in the mroning I would
see him tomorrow - which is 2day. He said he would call
later, didnt call this morning 6am i call him d/t collin
being up since 12am throwing up every 30 minutes and ask
him if he is coming and he says i dont know - he claimed
that he might not feel like it? So that raises a flag in
my head of WHAT THE FUCK? I dont get it, for the past 7
weeks i have been busting my ass, also growing a fucking
BUSH and have not talked to my childhood friends, flipped
out on john, have not had sex have only gotten off like
maybe 4 times other than the times with tony on the p hone
which honestly sometimes I dont get off. I just act like
it so he is happy. And yet today it's if i feel like it?
But for the past how many weeks off and on I love you byes
and phone sex and telling me he wants 2 make love to me,
and saying he misses me, wants to hold me, wants me, needs
me. And I have been just blown off how many times in a
row, promises that he will come then he disapears for 3
days. Drives me nuts. And from the beginning i told him I
was scared of falling for him because I did not want to
get hurt again. So he hurt me first time by standing me up
for 5 weeks so I did what anyone else would of done,
hinted to him he was hurting me and after the constant
saying he would make it up to me, he was sorry, I go sleep
with another guy and really fucked up and let the guy cum
in me. In the same fucking sense - when i was 16 i get a
disturbing phone call letting me know tony is seeing
someone and that he has a baby and i was so oblivoius to
the whole fucking thing. So now the 5 weeks that he says
that he was not seeing me because he loved me god only
knows what the real reason in that was d/t now he says the
past 7 weeks is due to him not knowing wht he wants? even
tho each night it's muah bye and shit like that so lets
fuck up stacia's head some more. and now he doesnt want to
see me because he doesnt want to hurt me. Do you realize
how fucking hurt I am right now? You make me fall for you,
dont let me see your home, meet your kid, know nothing
about your family fall in love with what i know about him
and then it's i dont know what i want and this is how i
get sometimes? Who in the world? So i did ask if there is
another person and he claims no. But god only knows. And
friends do bring up good points, he has been playing me
the whole time probably and i'm too stupid to realize it
because for once i did not want to jump to conclusions d/t
the fact of the john issue, which i have been doing so
good not talking to anyone, not going on line, not looking
at guys, not thinking about guys, not talking to guys, not
even sending pictures to ben which was an everyday thing.
And then today after being promised promised promised a
million things that he doesnt know what he wants? and this
is how he gets sometimes? OK so after john i was 2 b
having a second chance, but in reality I have not had a
chance because I have not seen him since that incident so
god only knows what he is seeing or who he is seeing or
what is going on through his head and he doesnt talk to
me. If I was giving someone a second chance, which I have
gave plenty of people 2nd chances including Tony I try to
spend time with them, try it all over again, start over,
but no he just avoids me and my phone calls for 7 weeks
and decides to tell me today after yesterday asking me to
take off and ending all the phone calls with muah (like a
kiss) that he doesnt know what he wants and is scared if
it doesnt work out I will get tooa ttached and will get
hurt. HA lets see here, I want him, I fell for him, FELL
hard for him, and fell for all his fucking words and now
this? Sure Ok. And then it's I'll call you around 9 and we
can talk some more? why 9? A million questions unanswered
and I dont know what the hell to say other than the only
thing I can do is write it down and see where it goes. I'm
asking for a chance to try this and he is just pushing me
away. Which ben made good point, it's easier to push the
person away than have to break it off with the person but
for tony i dont see how that could be a problem because
normally he comes accross as cold and heartless. Then Jenn
brings up a good point of before john i was blown off
after john he was lovey dovey and now i'm being blown off
again b/c there is no competition - well of course there
is no competition - i was told if i fuck anyone or do
anything at all i would have my pussy chopped out so waht
would you do? I need that body part. And I didnt not do
anything with people for that reason and believe me I have
been offered a lot lately, even from people I have fucked
in the past. I turn it down, I wont even hang out with
guys for fear he might get mad at tha, and for the fear
that I wont be able to see him. But I guess now it doesnt
matter right? It's wierd because when I was 16 I did want
him, I wanted to meet him, I wanted him for a lot of
different reasons. Now I get the chance I fuck it up and
the man tells me he loves me then tells me he wants me
then tells me he doesnt feel like it then says he is not
sure waht he wants and doesnt want me to fall for him and
get hurt. Too late! So, the 9pm phone call comes around
and I'm still a little confused. Not understanding why
after 7 weeks and why one day it's I want to see you and
the next day it's I dont want you. Reasoning - my age,
distance, and what happened. So I spend all night thinking
and thinking and thinking, crying and crying and crying,
and not sure what to do. Because I really honestly dont
want anyone but him. I'm willing to do what I have to do
to be able to have a chance. And when I told him that I
guess I blew my chances forever he says don't say that.
And when I asked about the bush issue, says he doesnt
know, i said well i guess u'll never see it either, he
said he'll see it. I want things to be the way they were
and I know they won't be. And now this one day I want you
and the next day I dont want you is really confusing the
hell out of me. Maybe I would understand more - if he
said there was another woman that might make sense. So
what am I supposed to do? He says go have fun with your
friends. HELLO I dont want fun with my friends, I want
fun with him, I want my second chance, everyone deserves
second chances, he got a second chance. His excuse is we
werent fucking. But put your self in my shoes it hurts
just as bad when you finally build up enough self
confidence to want 2 meet someone, that your a lil leary
of, and then you get phone calls saying he has a kid.
That's always fun right? and that makes that ok because we
werent fucking? And how is he going to know if he wants me
if he doesnt give me that chance, doesnt see me. I'm
willing to bend over backwards and do whatever to have
that and I prayed to god all night that maybe he'll change
his mind but i bet he wont. because that is my luck and
that is how my life goes. find someone i actually do want
for some odd reason it's him and someone i actually cry
over and he just one day up and decides oh i dont think i
want you and dont want to keep this going to have you hurt
in the end. ? So I'm going to send this to him and every
other fucking entry on this game and maybe it will show
him i do care. Because right now I'd rather be dead than
have this.

1/24/2007 - Falling Hard
Tony has been showing his face around here a lot
more often. I'm liking it but it's also scaring me. I'm
starting to fall harder than I already have. But I still
have unanswered questions. I love him, and I lay there at
night and want to roll over and say his name and tell him,
the words are on the tip of my tongue and when he leaves
in the morning I want to say it then, but I stop my self.
I'm getting scared. Not scared of him well kinda but more
scared of one day it's all going to end or this is where
it will stop. I also lay there at night and want to tell
him I want to meet his son. How can I know if anything
will work if his kid & his family doesnt even know that I
exist? He tells me about his family, his ex, his son, his
other ex's and I don't mind - a lil jealous of the other
ex's but what I really want is to meet people. To go out.
To do things. I cooked meat loaf for him and I know that
probably doesnt mean very much to him but. . . Stacia
doesnt cook period. I'm willing to learn to cook. I'm
trying to keep my house more clean & organized. Trying not
to think about stupid shit. Trying to be a good mom.
Trying to make changes. Trying really hard not to spend
any money and get all my ducks in a row. Not just for him
but I want to change. Time to grow up a little more I
guess.
I've never ever ever once really truly thought
about my future with a man because I knew they were not
the ones. Yea I had a ring, Yea I had promises but never
ever tried to change tried to make something work this
much. My son likes him a lot. . and that means the world
to me. My parents like him... my FATHER even likes him &
he usually likes NO ONE! Sometimes I feel like now it's
going too fast. Now i'm getting tooo attached. I'm not
complaining that he is coming around - I'm just scared of
what is going to happen. Sometimes when he is here I lay
there at night and wonder where this is going what he is
doing here and when we are fucking . . i look in his eyes
and there he is staring straight back at me and I sit
there while having sex for christ sake and wonder what the
fuck he is thinking. I should be enjoying my self not
worrying about what he is thinking and I know he tells me
not to worry but i'm a female that's my job! (I'm not
saying I dont enjoy the sex because that part is amazing)
I just want to know. I wish someone could just tell me.
My other issue is my best friend does not like my
boyfriend & I truely do not care for hers. But I deal with
it just so I can see my best friend & her child. She wont
even talk to me about my boyfriend or my relationship. She
doesnt say anything when I talk about it. I talk to her
about her relationship, listen to the petty bull shit
issues that are childish. Listen to her tell me she wants
a baby when she is still living @ home with her mother,
has no job, her mom babysits the kid she already has and
she wants a baby? I tell her all the time I understand she
wants one but, this is most likely not the right time not
to mention I dont think it's the right guy. Her boyfriend
was nice thought he was great when first met him but now
as things move on she cant talk on the phone to me w/ out
him questioning what or who it is. He told her because she
went to a work christmas party with me at a bowling alley
that that gave him the right away to go hang out with the
girls he used to fuck. Then the next day told me that I
should not call her after 9pm because that is when they
are having sex. literally called my phone from her phone
and said that. I told my boyfriend my boyfriend got pissed
off that her boyfriend did the christmas party thing but
most of all told me not to call after 9pm. So he went and
called my friend and pretty much played a game w/ her for
4 days until her boyfriend called the cops and my
boyfriend called her and confessed. So that is why my
friend hates my boyfriend because he called her and said
he was watching her and that she is oh so sexy and ya know
I think she would be more mad about that than the things
she brings up when she talks about it - she says he scared
her, it was a stalker like way he was talking, he called
her boyfriend a fag, and he called her boyfriend & uncle
niggers. Now, nigger can mean two things a) you are black
and b) ignorance. In my head . . . yea they would be
niggers because in a way they both have ignorance.
I have not told her it upset me and my boyfriend
that her boyfriend called it also upsets me that I cant
hang out with her like i used to anymore. and we hung out
a lot even while I had a boyfriend and there were times I
did not hang out with my boyfriend because I was hanging
out with my friend but it seem slike whenever I want to
hang out with her her boyfriend has to go along and that's
fucked up. She wont even come near me when I'm with my
boyfriend. I dont like her boyfriend but I tolerate it
because he apparently "makes her happy" and that's what I
care about. I see her not happy right now, she was happy
in the beginning when he was all kissy kissy and sweet
talking son of a bitch. Now he goes to the gym and
basically runs her life. Also tells her how to raise her
child. Which brings up another point in my little issue of
anger with the friend. She says that my son is spoiled and
that I need to not give him what he watns. . . Her kid on
the other hand swears, hits people, steps on my kid, kicks
my kid and what she does is simply says his name. Doesn't
beat his ass nothing like that. My kid gets wopped if he
misbehaves or he is spoken to. Yea I do hold him if he
crys sometimes but otehrs he just has to cry. Because when
I'm at her house and I leave my child there he cry's for
me. Could it be her kid is so god damn mean my kid doesnt
want to be around her kid? He's fine when her kid is not
there but when her kid is there he cries.
My boyfriend calls me a pussy because I do not
tell her any of this. My boyfriend also does not want me
to hang out with her and her boyfriend. It's either I hang
out with her or do not hang out with her at all no
boyfriend included. Which I do understand because like i
said i want to be able to hang out with my bestfriend and
not have her arrogant boyfriend tagging along. Which is
what I see in him. He talks shit behind her back to her
family. Her mom talks about wanting to fuck him and he
finds that funny. He doesnt want her to have pictures of
her sons father because she still loves him. He doesnt
want to get along w/ her son's father because he used to
date her. Get the fuck over your self. you came into a
family practically are living there for free and you want
to chang eher life. I dont believe in changing a life that
way at all for any man. I still have pictures of my son's
father. still have the diary with the entries about my
son's father still talk to my son's father (try to at
least w/ out wanting to kill him) still do all taht
because he is a part of my life and my son's life that i
cant really get rid of.
Also, today I had to go to domestic relations and
have my first child support conferance for collin. His dad
is going to have to pay 185 something in child support
each month which he probably wont because he wont get a
job. What's new. I sat in the waiting room and di d not
talk to hi m at all we sat in the conferance room did not
say much then he opened his mouth informed me he wants to
be in my cchilds life i dont have a problem with him being
in my childs life it's that if he is going to be in his
life he is going to visit my child on regular basis not
once every so often so my child doesnt really know who his
father is which is how it is now and i dont really have
much of a problem with that.
God, I'm bored, tony was supposed to come down
today but called and said that his work wants him to go to
the main office tomorrow so he cant come down even tho
according to mapquest the main office is only 1hour and 22
minutes away but he claims it's a very congested area and
blah blah blah. Whatever. He says he's sorry but work
comes first after his child. I understand that. . just
it's a do-able thing. I love him. I want to be with him
every day. And it hurts when I cant be.
:( I want to cry because I want his arms wrapped around me
again tonight and tomorrow night and the next night and so
on and so forth.

Valentines Day 2/14/08

I have 3 pages left in my diary & I'm not going to waste
them on this. I want them to be for something happy. . not
this. It's been 2 weeks yet again I sit here and wonder
all the same questions I wondered before but, I'm getting
sick & tired of wondering. So, I guess here I go.
Monday- son's mom had a meeting
Tuesday- Had to go to some far off place to get apart for
work because they didnt want to pay shipping & handling &
didnt want to wait for the part oh & mom didnt call back
about watching son
Wednesday - "sick"
Thursday- "had son" & "sick"
Friday- - god knows we can't do that unless we are working
near by on a Saturday
Saturday- - stripping a car
Sunday-- Junk yard, going to a friends, dropping dad off
at airport leaving at 4 pm
Monday - Monday 2:30 doctors appointment
Tuesday - worked in malvern but scheduled to work in
jersey turned phone off by 10pm
Wednesday - Plowing snow / ice 1am - 4:30 pm supposedly
turned phone off by 10 pm
Thursday - Worked in Jersey turned phone off by 10 pm
---I understand son & work come first but damn. Where am
I? Oh. Yea. That's Right. I'm the girl that lives in
Quarryville, that listens to everything and remembers
everything about everything. Remembers time of phone
calls, remembers conversations, remembers that she has
feelings. Doesnt remember things that she should remember
because she thinks of Tony all the god damn time and it
needs to stop. There's a country song, that talks about a
woman and a man. . . She says she's not strong enough and
doesnt want to be alone, but when the man's woman calls he
goes back to her bed and then she gets up off her knees
and tells him that the next time she calls him to come
back home, he might as well just stay and not come back
because she doesnt deserve to be played with. I drive down
the road and think what if that's me? What if this is a
game? God knows I've questioned it being a game before.
But for the past month before 2 weeks ago, thought it
can't be a game, he's coming around more, talking to me,
telling me things. Not things I really need nor should
know but telling me something other than he wans to lick
my pussy & stick his dick in it. Then the last time he was
here he didnt kiss me. . not once well once in the morning
but that's because I asked for a kiss before he left and
even that. . that wasnt a kiss it was a peck. So what the
fuck is going on? You don't call me and ask me if you
bought a fucking truck if i would go trucking with
you. . . then make me say I love you infront of my friend
and laugh about it because you know it's something I dont
do. Then when I ask you if you love me. . you say yea and
when i ask what about me you love YOU SAY JUST YOU YOUR
SMILE JUST YOU. Right. . . You don't make me want to stop
smoking, start cooking, cleaning, lose weight, just for
nothing. If this is a fucking game it needs to stop. 2
months ago you tried to stop and i wouldnt let you. Well
here's your chance, you want to stop? you want to turn off
your fucking phone? make promises, make me believe that
it's all going to work.
YOU WONT EVEN LET ME KNOW YOUR HOUSE PHONE NUMBER WONT LET
ME KNOW YOUR SON WONT LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU FUCKING LIVE.
8 MONTHS TONY . 8 MONTHS AND I'M STILL LOST you met my
parents, met my mom, my dad, my sister, my dogs,
everything and me . . i've met nothing. I've met you, and
your car, and your work truck, and your explorer, and your
lil temper, and your cock, and your snoring, really truely
have i met you? Is this what I want? To live far away, and
not know your family, your son, your house, anything
really about you other than what you say about your dad
and your grandfather? That shit doesnt matter to me, what
matters is family, what matters is what the fuck is in
your life. I want to go to your house, not my shitty
apartment even if you lived in a shack in the middle of
the woods with out power i would rather go there just to
fucking say yea i been to his place. You know what people
do when they ask if i've been to your place yet and I say
no? they laugh and say your hiding something pretty
important. What the fuck are you so fucking scared of?
What tony? tell me ya married, living with someone? not
have what you say you have? WHAT i'm getting mad and more
mad and more mad every fucking day. and ya know what
that's fine, i'm used to spending my life being mad. But
i'm not going to waste it being mad at you, i've wasted a
whole fucking diary on you and i'm not going to do it
anymore. Rather waste memory in my computer before wasting
my diary. Yea i'm a poor girl that had a kid at a young
age I'm sorry. . . I'm not your little princess, i'm not
your lil housewife but if you gave me a chance, gave me a
thought that this might go somewhere other than you coming
to my apartment and us having sex. . maybe i would try
harder. Right now I have too much shit on my plate way to
much shit. Too many problems. . and ya know what I keep
hanging on even though my gut says no stacia let go i hold
on. So it's up to you. Whatever will make you happy since
i'm your little bitch and listen to everything you say.
What do you want me to do? You want me to not care? Want
me to not call? Want me to go fuck with other people what?
Want me to die? Want me to sit here and cry because I'm
scared that I fell for something and now it's just poof
gone? WHAT

2/24/08
After Valentines Day - I did send the last entry to Tony &
then called in stupidly in the morning & told him not to
read the email - he called back at like 10:30 and said to
go in his email & delete it & everything else that was in
there. So, I did go in his email & found links to
a "myyearbook" not knowing what one was, I came home that
night & signed into his myyearbook.com site & viewed what
it ws. There were msgs in his outbox of him trying to
flirt w/ other women - women that live close to him, women
that are all older than him & one in particular "jen" His
note read

"To: ~DFH~Jen~BO#1L&LVPFNZ FZNFO$*D*I*C*E* Subject: Re hi
jen i wouldlike to know how you feel about things i want
to be your friend i want to be hear for you ,and you know
i will always love you and i want to start over i miss you
alot do you miss me i miss being with you i miss
everything about you i miss everything we had going for us
before i started being nutty and i dont know if i told you
or not but the first time we met i did like you you are
very cute i love your smile and you laugh and after a
couple of times we were together i wanted you to be my
girl but i was affraid to ask you guess i should have just
asked you well hope to hear from you bye sweet princess

----------------------------------
Sent by: ~DFH~Jen~BO#1L&LVPFNZ

what do you want from me?

----------------------------------
Sent by: anthony

hi jen its me tony im very sorry for what has happened
between us lately im sure you are to i really do miss you
alot i think we need to start out with a clean slate i
would really like to talk to you sometime all the bad
stuff that happened between us i put in the past i'm over
it i would like to start out new you mean alot to me so i
hope you can call me sometime or wright to me ok bye
princess

----------------------------------
Sent by: ~DFH~Jen~BO#1L&LVPFNZ

i dont even know what to say

----------------------------------
Sent by: anthony

i miss you alot how about you "

I called his phone until he finally picke dup said he
didnt know anything about it then changed his words & said
that he ddidnt want to hurt me he doesnt know what he
wants. Then says he doesnt love her & doesnt want
her . . . wants me blah blah. This whole past week has
been the worst one yet.. And I dont get it because my
son's father brought a girl from georgia the whole way to
pa to see her and i really didnt give 2 shits & let him
go. But I'm having a hard time letting tony go could it b
b/c i wanted him since i was young? really young? So . .
last night he & I are talking on the phone after
throughout the week we talked & i said that I tell my mo i
dont go to his house, know his son, family because he
doesant want me to and he states he doesnt care if i meet
his parents and i said ok. so i made a comment that i
would come up to his place this weekend and meet his
parents and he says that I cant because he has his son. So
all day saturday we really didnt tlak maybe twice until
late last night and we were talking then he hugn up on me,
when he got back on the phone said tha this son needed
something from him is that all right i said yea - ya know
if it wa sh is son that neede dsomething he could have
said i need ot tend to my son can i call ya back? So we
start talking again & he starts talkign dirty & then i
hear someone come in and say "who are you talking to"
could nto tell if female or his son - if it's his son I
dont understnad why he didnt just say it and why can't he
talk to me when he's in front of his son? so i sent 9 text
msgs throughout the course of the night and he has not
replied and has not wrote back. I dont know what to do. I
j ust wish he would open up and tell me the truth because
that's all I want is the truth, if he's seeing someone
else thenw e can end it right away & that would be it. But
this is like a mystery and I want to know.




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