jen

Too Much to Say
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2008-02-22 19:47:43 (UTC)

hidden, not gone

i've wondered for a long time if the spark jason and i once
had was totally gone, and why it was even there in the
first place. it's been so long since we've felt REAL
passion for each other that i started to forget what even
originally drew us together.

BUT...

all is not lost.

i took jason on a valentine's get-away to a cabin in the
mountains. away from work, away from baby, away from t.v.
and the busy-ness of life. it took almost two whole days
for us to break through the walls of routine and numbness
we'd built up. it was funny, when there was nothing left
to do, we HAD to TALK. and not just about what we did that
day..(because that's interesting for about 5 minutes) but
about the deep stirrings of our hearts. usually, when the
"everyday" gets too boring or too tiresome, you can always
flip on the television and just waste the time away zoning
out...because it's soooooo EASY! so much easier than
making the effort to connect. well, we had no tv, no
entertainment. just each other. and finally after two
whole days and feeling bored to tears...we talked. really
talked. and i can't remember the last time i was SO
attracted to him. i just wanted every piece of him. i
finally saw the REAL jason again and i remembered how much
i loved him! that night was so amazing.

and so i realized that i do truly love jason and always
will...not just the caring, family love i have for him, but
true passionate, i-want-you-here-and-now love. it's just
that i rarely get to be with that jason. somehow we've
built up these walls between each other so that we can't
get past the superficial in our everyday lives. when we
first started dating, everything was so personal and open
and touching...but now we can't seem to open up to one
another. i don't know why we're so closed off (well...why
he's so closed off) perhaps it's all this damned routine
and responsibility. or perhaps i've hurt him or torn him
down throughout our marriage, and now he doesn't feel like
his heart is safe with me anymore.

i want more of that connection we had. i don't want to get
swallowed up by numbness again. because it's so deceiving.
it tricks you into thinking that you've lost something with
your mate, and perhaps you could find it again somewhere
else, with someone else. but that's not true. that
passion is still there, it's just hiding.


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