Disfunctional Princess with BPD

The worlds best mime...dying to live
2008-02-21 14:14:26 (UTC)

The first time I rememeber


The first time I can remember myself crying was when I was
being bullied at first school. I remember wiping my eyes
and pretending nothing had happened. I got all the pain
inside me and locked it up. I smiled and ran back into my
lesson. But now I'm 18 and all I ever do is cry. I find it
so hard to hold it in, but I will. I cry inside, not
outside. I don't let anyone ever see my cry unless I'm
feeling incredible pain.

I suppose at some point I made it ok with myslef to hold
it all in. It seemed normal. Thats when the self harm
started. I was too proud to let the bullies and assholes
let me cry. They would never see my arms. My pain could be
conciled.

People make me angry when they say I was weak back then. I
was not weak. I was feeling pain so badly. I didn't
understand why people hated me so much even when I changed
schools. Something about me made people hate me. Made
people want to use me and abuse me. But now I know it
wasn't me, it was them. So I feel alot better knowing it
was their problem. I'm fine as I am.

But I guess all that time of holding in that pain and
anger has done it's damage to me. I still try to hold it
in. I still have some that has been there since I was
young. It drives me mad but I've never known different so
I guess I'm used to it.

All I've learnt in life is friendships die, love
eventually leaves, life is meant to end, and the second
you're born you start dying. That's what it's all about.
Death. We base our whole life around dying. That immense
fear of what will happen after we leave this world. I
don't know why we worry because we won't know until it
happens. People just worry themselves over things they
can't control. One day the world will end, the ice caps
will melt, someone you know will die of old age and you'll
spend your time wondering what you can do to change all
that. There is nothing anybody can do. Everything we do to
protect the world is controlled by the government or the
president or whatever. All we can do is attempt to vote
for the good guy (if there is one) and wait. The world
probably won't end in our lifetime anyway.

Unless you're re-incarnated, which would be a bummer.
I know that considering the shit lifes put me through, I'd
come back as a toilet brush, or toilet roll! I personally
think that nothing can be done about global warming now.
It's too late. People will not stop using cars, not due to
someone being selfish or anything, but due to the fact
that most people commute to work and to see family.

My Dad and I were talking about this in the car on Sunday,
he agreed with me. He said he would gladly get rid of his
car, but he would have to get up at half five to get to
work by half seven, he'd have to walk a mile and a half to
the train station, get off then walk 2 miles the rest off
the way! I don't blame him for keeping the car! He'd be
knackered before he even got there!

Anyway back to what I was on about in the first place, I
know that everyone wants to live longer. Who can blame
them, But whats the point of living longer if you can't do
anything! Don't cross the road (You'll get run over),
Don't binge drink (You'll fuck your liver up), Don't eat
fast food (You'll become over weight) Don't let your child
play conkers (They may lose an eye). Fuck off. I think
binge drinking is ok once and a while like if you're
celebrating something like a wedding. I don't drink anyway
0:)! Don't eat fast food!?! Do you want me to live on
celery?!? I have no passion to be a model so I'll eat what
I damn well please! And don't even get me started on the
conkers thing. I played it all the time when I was little.
They now even have bouncy tarmac in the playgrounds so
that you can't sue the company if your child hurts
themselves. C'mon world! I had lots of bumps and cuts
whenh I was little. No wonder kids are going loppy and
chavvy when they hit thirteen, they've been so wrapped up
in cotton wool.

I think that Britain is fucked to be honest. Some countys
in this Nanny Country aren't allowed to put Christmas
decorations in they're town or in they're own windows,
incase it offends the foriegners. I'm sorry, I have
nothing against people coming to live in our country. But
this is OUR country. It is OUR custom to have out
Christmas stuff up and if you don't like it go away. To
put it plainly I'm sorry if I've offended anybody but I'm
sick of it, all this politically correct bollucks. You
know when you were at school and the teacher used to say
draw a brainstorm, we all know what that means right? You
draw a bubble and put all your ideas around it. You can't
say the word "Brainstorm" anymore, in case it offends
epileptic people. I really honestly don't think it would
offend anyone, there was an epileptic girl in my class and
she was never offended.


Well I've had my rant and I'm off now before I insult
anyone else.

Abi
xx




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