blkdragon

grounded
2008-02-21 04:51:03 (UTC)

My loves, business and a Mother's favorites

2/19--3:43PM--I think I just found my missing resume in the
D drive, I now remember Mark telling me that everything
would be stored there, instead of the C drive. Hanifah
called about her mp3 player, I think she was a bit concerned
as well, she said she didn't like the sound of my voice and
wondered if I'd like to go to the City with her this
weekend; that wouldn't be a good idea for me and she's going
to get tired of me telling her no. I made a call to Taxation
and Finance, there'd be a 20 minute wait, Hanifah called in
the window of opportunity; she was working while talking to
me and asked if she could call back because her Husband was
calling her. The only thing she wanted to discuss was
getting her mp3 back, she told met that her Son would load
it with music, that wasn't a problem; I told her to pick a
time tomorrow and I'd meet to give it to her. I've only had
the mp3 for the last few months, I was getting tired of
hearing the alarm going off, I also wasn't too happy with
the fact that I'll have to make that Taxation call tomorrow;
the call was severed while Hanifah rambled. All I kept
hearing in the background were papers shuffling and an
assortment of other sounds, she told me that she was
working, I didn't need to be on the phone with her; she
didn't want to end our non-productive conversation. I
reminded Hanifah that I'd meet wherever she wanted (to bring
the player) on her schedule.
I'll also be able to take something back to Best Buy and
perhaps stop to see my physical therapist on the way home, I
probably better have something to bring to her, Dana's her
name and she'll chastise me for not coming to visit sooner.
I found that the Postal Service is hiring, I'll check on the
requirements for taking that exam, I checked on Excelsior's
Associates and Baccalaureate Degrees, they have no on-line
Journalism degrees.
2/20--7:39AM--Got out of bed at 6, began a pot of coffee and
checked my door, no green tag from the utility company; I
grabbed the mail out of the box and returned inside. There
was mail from the Treasury Dept. seems they sent my refund
to the Taxation Dept, I'll call them this morning and inform
them of the fund transfer, I'll also inform them of my
current status and the fact that their receipt of those
funds would represent a hardship for me; perhaps they'll
return enough of it to stave off the hardship? Considering
the Taxation Dept won't receive the funds for several weeks
suggests the possibility of compromise.
I decided to get on the floor this morning, did the Hindu
and Plyo push-ups, squats and the Front Plank; I was able to
stand on my head and perhaps I'll graduate to a Handstand, I
think it worked the same core group of muscles and I'll get
back to them.
The money I found in my account recently was from the
Treasury Dept. perhaps the State won't touch the refund I'm
supposed to receive from them, I'll know more after the call
to the Taxation Department, after all; it's only money.
I watched the movie Shooter yesterday, actually, I watched
all the movies I'd stored in the D drive; between phone
calls that is. Shooter was very informative about the way
governments and life work, shows that life is really about
the haves and have nots, it also shows that those in
positions of power have a responsibility to those that are
powerless; to ignore that is to risk your soul.
Pretty called yesterday, we did some laughing, she told me
about her new guy and I began predicting his behavior; she
was astounded by my accuracy and she'd call back a couple of
times during the day. She's "born again" and she didn't
realize what she's been doing with the men she's been seeing
wasn't a good idea, she thought it was ok for them to be
emotionally and physically affectionate, even though there
was no hope of their heightened physical desires being
fulfilled; I told her that she may as well set them on fire
when she was finished with them.
She doesn't want to be sexually active before marriage and
didn't see that her actions were misleading, she kept
telling these guys that she only wanted to be friends, yet
she'd allow them to caress her while she reclined in their
laps; she didn't see the harm and I had to point that out to
her. I asked if women get "blue balls", she said no and then
I told her that creating the boundary of "friendship"
restricts the type of physical contact she's been receiving
without reciprocating. I told her that I don't caress my
friends, that caresses would suggest an intimacy we didn't
share. I told her that allowing this guy the option of
touching her gives him hope for more, she's now
reconsidering her actions, she seemed not to realize that
she was relating to this guy with a bomb in her hand; the
only one threatening to explode was him.
I have amazing friends and their feelings for me are
heartwarming to the point of bringing me to tears, when I'm
not smiling so hard my face hurts, how can anyone be
distressed with such outpourings of affection and concern? I
owe more hugs than I can probably dish out, to be on the
minds and in the hearts of many, this is heaven and I need
to pass this on to as many as I can! Even now I've got to
close my eyes and be thankful, meditate momentarily and feel
the love they send, the connections that we share are
palpable presences that merely reinforce the fact that lines
of force exist between all things; if I close my eyes I may
see those lines of power as the web of life binding us and
this is what Miko is capable of.
How is it possible that the people closest to you, that know
(your heart) you so well are people that you've yet to see
and touch, Magic and Technology! Lynne, I will make it to
you, we'll probably cry in each other's arms for a while and
then laugh at ourselves. Pretty's growth has always been a
personal thing for me, she's very much like the Daughter I
always wanted, I'm sure we'll do our share of crying also;
I'm always proud of her! I don't hear from LaShun too often,
when we touch it lasts for hours, I'm truly blessed and I
mustn't ever forget that.
My eyes well at the thought of ~t, her affection reaches me
in overwhelming waves, so powerful that I want to kiss her
hand and tell her that everything will be ok; hold her so
she can know that I'm not tender or fragile and that she
means more to me than I can describe. I don't expect much
from Charlotte, such is the nature of our relationship, I
don't delude myself on that score; I know exactly how
selfish she is. I understand the birth of her selfishness,
she's also selfless at the best of times, anger rests at the
heart of her; perhaps I'm supposed to show her how
unnecessary that anger is. Charlotte didn't call last night,
I'm sure she had a trying day, I didn't call her because had
she wanted to talk to me she would have made that call; or
perhaps she's waiting for me to make that call? I'm not
driven to Charlotte that I need to call her, I only need to
be there when she calls, I don't need her in my life;
everything I need, I have.
Forgive those that trespass against us, that's not an easy
thing to do, it is necessary for personal growth. If I chose
to get even with all those I've perceived have done me
wrong, there'd be a lot of dead people, Hell has a waiting
list and makes reservations.
Just got off the phone with Taxation, no help there,
everything is computer generated; they'd already taken my
State refund and the Feds have sent the one I was to receive
from them. I get to keep 10% of the taxes I've paid, not as
bad as it could have been and that debt will be cleared.
"Charm is finding the beauty in the woman you're talking to.
And if you genuinely find beauty in her - whether it's in
her eyes, her spirit, her soul, or her hair, or the way she
looks at you - then it does something to you. It makes you
light up inside, and people respond to that. That's charm."
-Blair Underwood
Lynne sent this to me and made reference to Bea being the
woman that brightened me the most, my response was that she
may be right, the fact that Bea was under the influence
whenever we were together and what she knew of my feelings
about such things; caused her to maintain an emotional
distance. Perhaps she feared for my safety, believing that
path may have been too readily accessible to me, what she
didn't understand about me is the fact that I have no need
to alter my perceptions any longer. I've wondered how I'd
feel if she returned and concluded that she'd only find
other reasons to avoid her feelings, she'd even told me that
she didn't think she was ever supposed to be happy, who am I
to contradict her; we make choices and she's already made hers.
Charlotte's always in pain and I think that darkens whatever
we may share, I don't know if my presence will ever (truly)
brighten her life, I need to be there for her though;
there's no one else and I don't want her to feel alone. I
know too much about being alone and I don't expect to share
Charlotte's love, she's a gambler and for her there will
always be a bigger, better deal; the problem with having too
many choices.
These times will prove to be some of the most trying of my
life, I think. For a moment, after my soak, I felt a twinge
of despair and then found myself smiling; I'd spoken to
Charles and that was enough reason to smile. He asked about
the mail he's waiting for, I told him when it arrives I'll
bring it to him, I asked about the Adult Learning Center and
he told me that he has to find a way to Albany; I just
called him with the number to a Center here in Schenectady.
There are actually quite a few places for him to go free of
charge, the Library offers classes from 6-9 Mon-Wed, another
place offers classes from 6-9 Tues-Wed; I told Charles that
if he attends both sessions (during the week) he should be
able to accelerate the time it takes to earn the degree.
I just received a call (11:11) from the Utility Company,
they gave a verbal 72 hour notice, I'd been waiting for
that; I'll be at Social Services in the morning and tell the
worker that I'll need more services than I'd originally
applied for. I also got a call to attend an information
session for displaced workers from Tech Valley Printing,
that will be tomorrow 2-4 in Watervliet.
Bea just called and was shocked to hear about Tech Valley, I
brought her up to speed and she asked me to tell her about
the people that were supposed to meet @ 6:30 for tea; I had
no idea what she was talking about. It suddenly dawned on me
that she was asking about Miko, I started laughing because I
thought the people she was referring to were people that I
knew, not people that I imagined; I don't think I told her
much about the story and the fact that I'd developed a scene
out of sequence made it so I couldn't give her much more
than she'd already gotten. I told her about 5 Minutes of
Eternity and said that I'd read that to her, I told her that
it was about our time at the rink and she told me now that I
wasn't working she wouldn't wait another month to have me
read to her. When last we spoke she said that she was
illiterate, however true that may be, she's a very
knowledgeable businesswoman; I let her know what's going on
with me economically and financially. I was careful to let
her see that I have matters in hand, I didn't want her
suggesting to assist, I don't want any relationship we have
to contain elements of business; we're friends and I want to
leave it at that! It's ironic that I'd just listened to her
voice in my v/m box, not 5 minutes before she called, I was
in the process of making sure I'd gotten all the information
stored in there; also the fact that Lynne sent a response
(mentioning Bea) that I'd read just before Bea's call.
It's been said that a woman knows in the first 15 minutes of
meeting a man, whether or not he will get any more of her
time, men don't have that foresight, we only know what a
woman wants us to know; until then we're just stumbling in
the dark.
I got up to go to the store, day before yesterday, I decided
to walk and went through the Theater's parking lot; halfway
through the lot I spotted a handicap van. One of those vans
that have the wheelchair lifts, it was on the side, there
was a person in a wheelchair beside the van and a beautiful
woman standing with him; the woman pulled out a cigarette
and glanced in my direction. She then turned to head for the
sidewalk, when she got there she bent down to pick something
up, I hadn't noticed that she'd dropped anything; she kept
her legs together and bent straight from her waist. I
immediately thought of Marilyn Monroe and saw that movement
as purely sexual, she reminded me of Charlotte, beautiful
body; she had a very shapely ass. What bothered me was that
she was waving that ass as though it were the only thing she
had to offer, that was sad, I kept walking!
I've been waiting for Hanifah's call, it never came and I'm
going to be very busy tomorrow, if I don't get her mp3 to
her before 6; she'll have to wait for another time. I see
she's continually having problems with her Husband and
there's no way I'll get in the middle of that, I won't call
her to find out why she didn't call. I'm in the process of
consolidating all the notes I have on various vignets I'd
started, I need to concentrate on the completion of these
projects now that I have time.
Charlotte's about to turn her house phone off because of her
Sister, that one late night call has caused an overflow of
drama, Charlotte's nursing her bruised feelings and
believing that her Family wants nothing to do with her; I
have to step away from that! I called to get her to watch
the lunar eclipse with her Daughter, she's far too stressed
out about the thing between she and her Sister, the
pressures of her job are getting to her also and she's not
dealing with that easily either. I've got enough problems of
my own to contend with and I'm not taking any of that weight
upon myself, I understand and agree with her rule about late
night calls at her home, I had the same rule when I raised
my Sons; I didn't want anyone calling my home after 10pm.
With Carianne in her home and the fact that she's rather
outspoken, not to mention a lot bigger than Charlotte, that
might actually present a problem in the not too distant
future; I didn't think she should have allowed her to stay
in her home for the last two years.
I can see helping someone out in need, two years worth of
need, I don't think so; at some point that person would have
to make other living arrangements! Ray tried to insinuate
himself in my apartment, I wasn't having that for any
reason, that would have posed as much of an inconvenience as
Carianne poses for Charlotte. Carianne is the recipient of
those late night phone calls and she doesn't pay the bill, I
tried to warn Charlotte, now the ramifications are becoming
far too stressful and include far too many people. Time to
step away, between the job, the Billy shit and her home;
Charlotte's a walking bomb and she'll be exploding on
everyone but the person that set the fuse. Right now
Charlotte is skirting the pool of despair, she wants to, I
applaud her choice to be firm with her Family about her
rules; but if it's making you miserable initiate the
solution. She's talking about her Mother having sided with
her Sister against her , yadda yadda yadda, it all speaks of
childishness to me; that's probably why I got away from my
Family. When Parents aren't willing to travel the same road
and are not on the same page these things occur, add incest
to the equation and all hell breaks loose, I think the only
way Charlotte can ever grow as a woman is to be far away
from the girls in her Family and that's not suggesting that
she come to New York; she has mentioned packing up and
leaving but that's just talk. I'll be leaving my phone in
places that I'm not for a while, I have enough concerns
without adding her drama to my list.
Pretty just called, things didn't go well with Daniel and I
tried to explain to her that life is a learning experience,
I didn't want her beating herself up for her
misunderstanding; I explained that she needed to engage in a
platonic relationship with whatever man she decided to care
about. I told her to get to know this man, he needed to be
on her page, emotionally and mentally; once she concluded
that they could relate and the passage of time brought them
closer she could consider whether or not she was willing to
take that relationship to another level. She asked me to
hold on and I thought she stepped away to cry for a bit,
when she returned we found something amusing and once I got
her to laugh I knew that everything would be ok. We
continued to talk about relationships and I asked her if she
remembered my reference to the mating dance, she said that
she had and I told her that if she didn't want to engage in
the dance she shouldn't play the music; she understood what
I was saying. I told her that she didn't have to tell any
man that she only wanted to be his friend, all she had to do
was be that, I told her that once the touching begins it
changes the texture of any relationship and she had to be
careful if she were saving herself for marriage. She told me
that she understood and had to get up early for work, I
wished her pleasant dreams and told her that I love her very
much! Now I'm tired, I'll eat and read for an hour, then
I'll call it a night; it's been a long day.





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