Oh My God, I have a Mullet!!!!
today i had a very important interview. and as is normal
before such an important interview i decided that i should
shower and comb my hair.
upon exiting the shower and pushing the brush through the
entaglement that i kindly refer to as my hair, i noticed,
much to my dismay, that a portion of the back of my hair
wouldn't stop from curling around and peeking around my neck.
i pushed my brush through the hair a couple more times to no
avail. the little locks of hair curled around my neck just
above my shoulder, peeking around at me like a sly ass
mother fucking fox.
i brushed through them again. then stared at myself in the
OH MY GOD I HAVE A MULLET!!!!
i was freaking out. thanks to my receding hairline up front
and my long tapering, wave-like, locks hair curling around
my neck, i looked like MacGyver.
i looked at my watch. 12:15. interview at 2. 30 minute
bus ride. what do you do?
for a split second i talked myself into not getting a
haircut. but then i thought about how i looked and i just
couldn't get over the fact that a mullett (especially an
unkempt mullet) would be a deal-breaker.
so i quickly threw on a t-shirt, some pants and ran out of
the apartment. i flew into the first barbershop i could
find to find the barber sitting in his chair, eating an egg
"you're not chris."
"no i'm nick."
"hi nick, what can i do for you?"
what can you do for me? give me a bite of your sandwich you
dumb son of a bitch.
"i just need a quick trim."
"do you have an appointment?"
"well you need an appointment."
"but you're free right now."
"i'm eating lunch right now."
now...a lesser man woudl have socked him in the face and
given him a trim. but i am a greater man, so i just sat
there gaping at him.
"i need it now."
"well don't go up to those guys up the street, they're
horrible." at this he chuckled.
i started to leave.
"don't say i didn't warn you! oh! did i give you my card?"
but i was closing the door as he said those last words.
so i flew up to the "other" barbershop. now i've had so
many barbers in my life (from cross-eyed ones, to ones with
tremors) that i didn't much care...all i wanted was a quick
haircut. alas this was not going to happen.
i entered the barbershop at 12:22.
two guys ahead of me with three seats occupied already.
damn. but then two of the guys wer ealready finishing so i
figured i could get out quickly.
so the others on the bench got into their chairs and
everything was progressing smoothly. except that the guy
who was still in the chair when i arrived was making so much
damn small talk with the barber (his haircut was alreayd
finally he paid and i damn near sat on his lap getting into
"how you like it son?"
"just a quick trim."
and then he started talking. my oh my was he a talker.
around 12:40 he stopped cutting my hair altogether and
resorted to flailing his arms about in an elaborate
pantomime to show me just how big his 17 foot bayliner
i was freaking out.
now i didn't know what to do. i don't ever want to tell a
barber to "step on it." so i patiently waited through it.
by 12:50 i was really freaking out, he had taken two phone
calls and had talked to eveyr customer coming in (the other
patrons had already left who had sat down before me).
at 12:55 i told him i had to catch a bus soon, to which he
"no problemo, boss. just about done."
so he got to the point where he was blow-drying my hair. i
didn't want a blow-dry but i figured this was the end and i
might as well acquiesce. well he was blow-drying and
blow-drying for about 5 minutes. finally he stopped, took
the little tape thing off of my neck and i was half-way out
of the chair when he pulled me back down kindly and started
trimming my neck.
finally at 1:05 i was done. he powdered my neck and i
stared at my haircut.
it was perfect.
without a doubt this was probably the best haircut i had
ever gotten in my life. compared to MacGyver Nick i lookked
like "Hire Me" Nick. holy christ.
i thanked him profusely and ran back to the apartment to
on the way i almost thought of stopping at the other
barber's place, sauntering in, and rubbing my head all over
his face while yelling, how you like this haircut motherfucker!
but i had places to be.