daydream disbeliever

Mad Ramblings From a Blithering Idiot
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2008-02-20 04:31:31 (UTC)

More Cowbell

I'm finally going to elaborate. The issues I was too tired
to write about Sunday night are going to be addressed now.
I've been too busy to really think about them for the last
two days, and I mentioned them to M when I talked to her
last night. I honestly think she was freaked out and
definitely not pleased. I, however, am inclined to think

Saturday night Brett took me to meet his grandmother.
She's the cutest thing. She insisted we have a highball
with her. I haven't had whiskey in years, and Brett made
them strong. We were tipsy when we went to dinner, and
halfway through our pitcher of beer he started talking.

"Have you thought about what's going to happen when your
lease is up in August?"

"A little. I don't know if I'm moving back here or back to
Cincy. Molly wants me to move to the Nati and my mother
would kill me if I moved back here." I looked at my lap and
then looked back at him. "But I'm definitely not staying in

Then it was his turn to look down. He stared at his hands
for a moment, then said very softly, "I want you to be
here. If things are going as well as they are now in the
summer, I think we should get our own place. Together. I
want to stay with you in C-bus if I go to EMT school, and
it would be good practice for later. I really miss you, K,
and I want to be with you."

I was speechless. Then more floodgates opened.

He said that he's really serious about me, and he wants us
to work more than anything else. He wanted Edmund and
Captain to live with us, but we must have a dog, also. He
already had the dog picked out and its name. He also said
the most surprising thing of all:

"When I get my EMT I'll definitely have a great job lined
up. Then if you move in with me I'll help you find a good
paying job in a pharmacy and you can work part time while
you go back to school. You're so smart, you have to go
back. We'll make this work. I just can't see you in this
job that hurts you so much. I'll make enough so that you
don't have to work all the time. You could even go to
school part time, too. You deserve the best."

All I could think to do was to smile, kiss him, and
say, "We'll see. But it sounds nice." What else could I
say in my state of surprise?

And the funny thing is, since the whole Moronic Marvel and
Asshole Josh incidents I've been a complete commitment
phobic. I've dumped every guy I've dated since them just
when they started to get too serious. But the strange part
is, deep down I'm a bit excited. Am I really ready to
settle down? Or am I just settling? I've never been able
to picture, even with my wild imagination, myself with a
guy all the time, married, living together, children, a
future. It's all about living the moment with me. I still
live the moment with Brett, but I wasn't scared, I didn't
fight the urge to run away screaming, and I became WARM
inside the more he talked. I feel warm and safe when I'm
with him, even when we're doing something spontaneous.

But was it just the alcohol talking? I'm a worrier, and
this question has plagued me. However, I woke up this
morning to a text message from him sent at 7:30am: "Just
want you to know I am thinking about you".

What does he really feel for me? Does he want me, or just
a sense of stability?

And a part of me wants that delicious hug experience from
the other guy that broke my heart-Brad. We pseudo-dated
during one of my long absences from here, and the last time
I ever saw him we hugged for the first time. It was a
night, and I had no jacket. His hug kept me warm the rest
of the night and I can't explain how. I was physically
warm and stayed warm from it. I've never felt that way
before or since. Brett doesn't do that for me, but feeling
safe, lovely, and unashamed is pretty great, too.

Just face it, KE, you like him. You really like him, and
you can't figure out why he likes you. You're so unused to
being wanted that when someone does it throws off your
entire perspective of yourself.

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