blkdragon

grounded
2008-02-17 16:05:29 (UTC)

Nearing the end

2/14--12:29PM--Didn't lay down to sleep until 2, "Lisey's
Story" enraptured me, I want to email the author and tell
him what his existence has meant in my life; how he's made
me want to cry and then laugh, how proud I am to be able to
use a word and how I can't get enough of them. I set the
alarm to get up early enough to take out the garbage, that
didn't happen and I have to talk to Paula about my
particular container and something for my recyclables, she's
lazy as hell and if I have to make those purchase she'll pay
for it; I noticed a container with garbage (that belonged to
me) sitting under the stairs.
I checked the Community College to finish my degree online,
since I now have the time and the classifieds are slim
pickings at best, I may decide to head in two distinctly
separate directions; simultaneously. I keep having this
nagging thought that all of this is too late to matter, then
I remind myself that nothing is ever too late, I also need
to make something happen; as opposed to hoping I find
something. I need to do what moves me and find the means to
make it profitable, I've been unable to find any sort of
retraining assistance from the Department of Labor, I can't
see returning to the print industry; I'm not a drone.
I called and left a Happy Valentine's Day v/m for Charlotte,
why did I feel obligated, I'm going to have to tell her not
to use guilt on me; we owe each other nothing! I'll be at
Social Services early, heading out the door as I speak.
2/15--6:51PM--My appointment with Social Services went
smoothly yesterday, I think the worker was thankful that I
had all the information she required to get the case
rolling, she glanced at the book I was reading; I'd set it
down on her desk to get paperwork for her. She appeared to
be interested, she told me that she reads Stephen King and I
told her what I thought about "Lisey's Story", that it was
one of the best I'd read by him and how I felt like writing
to him and telling him that he often makes me laugh and
sometimes want to cry, how because of him I'm proud to be
able to write a word and to thank him for writing. The
worker told me that I needed to wait for the utility company
to tag my door and they'd take over, paying the bill in it's
entirety and I'll take over from there. I came home feeling
pretty good, I put the hard drive into Louisa's computer, I
prepared to hit the rink; I knew Patty would be there tonight.
Skip stopped me at the door to talk about Tech Valley, we
laughed openly and I went to boot up, Patty was there and it
wasn't surprising to find her on Valentine's Day; the day
only means something to those that are paired and she's
supposed to be paired. She shadowed me for a while, she
wanted me to turn around so she could start a conversation,
that didn't happen; she fell at one point and usually she'll
wait for someone to come help her up, none volunteered!
I was approached by two thirteen year old girls, they asked
if I had a son their age, I said that I didn't and they told
me that they'd met a boy who told them that I was his
Father; I told them that my Sons are much older and the boy
merely wanted to impress them, they didn't like the idea
that he'd lied to them and I'm sure he'll hear about it when
they see him again.
2/16--4:15PM--I called Kenny yesterday, found that he'd
gotten a call to pick up his check, I wondered why he didn't
call me and shrugged the slight quickly. I called Jack to
tell him that I'd be coming for my check, I was at the plant
before 2, I had to sign for the check; I noticed that I
hadn't been paid for the 66 hours of vacation I was owed and
I won't be paid for it. I left the plant, after talking with
some of my ex co-workers and went to the bank, I cashed the
check and went to Citi-Financial; I made my payment and
questioned about the insurance I have on the loan. I have to
fill out forms for them to submit and everything should be
green, I told them the employers forms won't be completed,
the plant's closed and there's no one to send the forms to;
I need to find a way to have the union complete the forms
earmarked for them and return them. Citi will pay retroactively.
Charlotte called at 12:30am, she was on the verge of tears,
her younger Sister called the house later than Charlotte
allows; when Charlotte reminded her the rules her Sister
swore at her. Charlotte told me that she's never cursed at
any of her Sisters in her entire life and this was bothering
her to no end, the only calls ringing her phone at that time
of night are for Carianne; as was this call. She told me
that she'd called her Mother and told her that neither she
nor her Daughter would be going there on Sunday, they
generally celebrate her Sister and Daughter's birthdays
together; the same Sister that had just disrespected her. I
told Charlotte that she should reconsider the tradition at
her Mother's, she was rather adamant and I was feeling
rather useless, nothing that I would say calmed her; she
needed to be (physically) touched to know that someone cared
about her and I was too far away for that.
I asked her what she wanted me to do, she was taken aback by
the question, I'm sure I would have done anything she would
ask right now; if it would make everything easier for her,
regardless of the fact that I'd said I had no reason to go
to Massachusetts. She's going to be too busy for the next
week, she just needed someone to hear her, I've always been
good at that; so I continued to listen. She talked about her
Parent/Teacher's meeting, purchasing the tickets for her
Daughter, the sleep-over they're having tonight and what
she'll have to do in the morning. She talked about Carianne
and a host of others being ungrateful for the things that
she does, just about everyone in her life has made a point
to ignore what she does for them, I'm aware of her attempts
to please everyone and at some point she'll have to please
herself; that was what I meant when I told her that she
doesn't love herself, I still don't think she quite understands.
She wants someone in her life that will deflect some of the
bullshit, that will be there to tell her that everything
will be ok, if only for the time that she lets go in his
arms; this is what we all want.
She was telling me that she couldn't sleep while she was
upset, she needed to go to the bathroom and get something to
eat, she began yawning in my ear; she'd done that earlier
and denied it. She'd told me about all the work she's doing
at her job and all of these things are starting to weigh
very heavily upon her, I'd take the weight from her if I
could, it isn't in my nature to watch someone suffer without
offering my assistance; I know that she wants me to come for
her, I just didn't really want to. She's been showing and
telling me, in so many words, that no one cares but me; I'm
sure that's not completely true!
I told her to do what she needed to do and go to sleep, she
suggested that I also go to bed, I told her that I wasn't
tired; that I was reading and she thought I was writing. She
told me that if I was writing I'd be up all night, I told
her that I was finishing my reading of a book and that we
should say good night; she told me that she'd call me today
and she seemed to be waiting for me to tell her that I love
her, I'm not prepared to do that.
Charlotte had mentioned how nasty Carianne is, that didn't
come as a surprise, Charlotte threatened to turn her house
phone off; I suggested that she turn off the ringer at a
certain time and she refused to do that. I know there are
things Charlotte wants me to do, she also wants me to
suggest them, I won't!




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