J-Bunny

My Life (yawn)
2008-02-15 13:54:59 (UTC)

awareness sucks sometimes

Things w/SW are going well. She has helped me gain clarity
and reasoning to a lot of different things going on with
myself and my relationship w/S.
It has helped me see things a lot clearer and identify f'd
up behavior. Which is good and bad.
For example: Today.....S had hockey last night and I asked
him not to stay too late, after all, it was Valentine's Day.
He strolls in after midnight and has the audacity to be
pissed at me because I said, "so much for coming home
early." WTF?
He decided to ignore me this morning, as did I though I
felt he should have apologized for clearly blowing me off.
And then chose to leave without saying goodbye, which is a
good way to get a reaction out of me.
Hence, reaction. He did get it and he wanted it. I can be
so predictable. Just when I thought things were going well,
and I was getting a handle on myself. However, to my
defense, I was hurt. Hurt that I was blown off for hockey.
What's new?
I left messages for him to have the decency and respect to
call me and tell me why he was angry after all, he was the
one that came home exceptionally later than when hockey
ends without an apology.
He has chosen to shut his phone off, further intensifying
my anger.
Thank God, for Shelly who can ground me. I was so tempted
to drive to his work and make the biggest scene that mo-fo
has ever seen in his life. Just because he hurt my
feelings. However, what is new?
After all, it is a three day weekend coming up and his
buddies are planning a snow mobiling trip.
If I was able to make the bets for Vegas, I would put all
the money I have on the fact he'll leave for the weekend,
after all this is the "perfect excuse" since
I"m "irrational" and "question where he is". He won't leave
a note, as he's realized his poison notes go ignored by me.
I need to be stronger. Stronger not to scream bloody murder
at the most selfish person I've ever met. The person who's
ego is the size of California and God help you if you touch
it.
I can see this all now. So much clearer. However, its so
easy to get back into the bad behavior of being so
emotional. I'm emotional because I'm hurt and he ignores
that.
Here's a newsflash to me:
He knows it hurts me. He doesn't care.
He throws my "irrational" being back in my face because I
am hurt, it is not validated. At all.
I am always in the wrong.
He does not hear me, nor does he care to.
His actions, when they're nice, get thrown back in my face
of all the "things he does for me." Yet, he doesn't get it.
Doesn't get everything I do for him.
Doesn't hear me when I say something is important to me.
Put's me last.
Just when I think things are going well. They don't.
His "M.O." has been to use something like this to his
advantage, meaning.....he'll fester all day about this and
how I hurt him and his precious ego then use that to ignore
me and treat me like shit. He'll take off for the weekend,
without telling me and I should just shut the fuck up about
it and go with it.
When, when in God's blessed name will I realize I cannot
change this behavior or more importantly will never
understand it. Ever.
It is what it is. And I hate that phrase so much!
Reminder to me:
I am validated to feel disappointed that he stayed out so
late. I am validated to express my feelings. I am validated
to feel hurt that I was ignored this morning. I am
validated that he is treating me with no respect by not
returning my phone message asking for an explanation.
I am realizing his "false promises" are more frequent (or
just that I'm more aware of them) and who does this remind
me of? Yes, Daddy-o and all his lovely false promises to me
when I was growing up. Hell-O.




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