Nasethray

Book of Dreams
2008-02-12 23:07:52 (UTC)

ending the pain.

i'm really, really, really sick of living. i seriously am.
my feelings just build up more and more. pushing people
away, pushing shoving. ok screw talking about this blah blah.
THIS is what i'm thinking about:
i want to kill myself. it's pretty easy to do. you know
what, i don't care if it's the 'easy way out' or any of that
shit. THIS is what i'm thinking about:
i could slit my wrists or take pills. those would be my
picks. i can go out to the field to slit my wrists, or try
to get as far as possible after taking an assortment of
pills in the cabinets. i could just go fucking do it, and
get all of this shit over with. all of this fucking shit. I
HATE IT. I HATE ALL OF THIS. i'm to the point where i just
want to hole up away from EVERYONE. i'm thinking about
taking a break from sara, because of the extent which i want
to be alone. i don't want to be affectionate, i don't want
to be touched, i just don't want anything to do with love. i
barely feel love anyways, but i DO LOVE HER. i KNOW I DO,
but i only FEEL it when my body ALLOWS me to. maybe i'm not
meant to be with anyone, i don't fucking know. all i do is
hurt her. i just want to go away from everyone. my family
wouldn't have to deal with me and my gender crap. the
troubled delinquent, only out to separate the family and all
of that shit with all of those strings attached to their
words. the best word to use to describe stuff right now is
'shit'. i'm sick of feeling depressed, and having to go
every day looking at myself the way i am, and having to live
with myself. my moody, shitty, feminine, heartless bastardly
disgusting hideous flawed self.

so much for a happy valentine's day. all because of shitty
fucking me.
why do i feel like crying all day, now?

diary, i'm really depressed.
i dont' really tell anyone.
i don't really LIKE telling anyone.
i have this deep, heavy inflated stone inside of me. i feel
like it's eating me like a parasite, like it's spreading
through my body.
all i want to do is pretend i'm not me.
but you know, it's never enough.
cuz i'll always be me...

...:(


i don't know what to say anymore.
not right now, at least.


wannabe male.

Nathaniel.




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