Dirty Fractyl
Ad 2:
2008-02-02 06:05:16 (UTC)

musings on the system

It's been 9 months since my release from jail, and I STILL
am struggling to cope with reality. I guess this is why I
made the comment that "reality is for losers." It's much
more fun and peaceful to dwell in the world of illusions
and let my delusions bring into existence the constructs.

It is one thing to be psychotic, but to have others peg it
as demon possession is kind of demeaning. They have
always excessively abused the mentally ill. In the 1800s
they shackled and beat them with chains. What happened to
me was no less torturous. Having someone ram their fist
against your jugular vein and spray your eyes down with
high powered burst of mase is not really a humane way to
deal with someone that has decompensated and is suffering
from intense delusions, including but not limited to:
believing I had telepathy, the ability to "remote view"
planes, and that I travelled back in time to a period 9
years ago.

Besides all this, I thought their was another version of
me that dwelled inside the attic of my house, not to
mention 9 other people all with my same name trying to
prove they are the "real" author of the Unsacred Doctrines
(found in this journal).

The dime a dozen theory is alive and active (For those who
are unaware of it, it is the idea that there are multiple
versions of your mind existing in the world and your
thoughts are undifferentiated from another 'version' of
you in someone else's body. Basically it denies that
humans are unique). Unfortunately, I am also confronted
with the singular nature of myself, realizing ultimately
that I have no choice but to inhabit this body for the
remainder of my existence on earth and that nothing is
going to change my past. It's gone, but it certainly
exerts its power on the present. I used to say "past is
passed," meaning there is no way to invoke the past as a
real element in your life, and while I know that is true,
it's difficult to acknowledge that I am unable to fix the
messes I made.

Mental illnesses can completely devestate one's sense of
self esteem and warp his or her outlook on the world. But
I think that even among those without mental disorders,
there are essentially two ways of looking at the world -
in short - pestimistically and optimisically. The reality
is that pestimists in my opinion are REALISTS. The reason
they are negative is because they perceive a situation as
it is and do not alter the reality of it by attributing
features to it that are not there.

One thing that has marred my existence is the negativity I
exude with regards to other people. I have a real
distrust of people now, as a result of my experiences, and
my natural inclination is to think that someone is out to
take advantage of me or use me. That's because it has
happened so much in my past that I've become a victim to
my own naivete. But I'm no longer as naive now that I
realize the motives behind peoples' actions, namely greed
and self interest.

It would be self righteous of me to believe I too am not
greedy, because I do tend to focus inwardly to my own
issues rather than actively aiding others. I think part
of that is human nature and the other part has to do with
narcissism - in believing that an intelligent person
should not have to endure the same consequences as
others. Like Raskolnikov of Crime and Punishment, there
is a sort of invincibility in my mind that allows me to
think I could easily accomplish anything malevolent and
face no consequence from it. He killed a lady for food
and then justified it. I could easily justify the mass
murder of many people, but that would only justify it
through my eyes and my perception. To others it would
appear evil.

And that could open a whole other bag of worms. What
makes something evil? Clearly, to us, it is reliant upon
a moral code of some sort, but the moral code was invented
by us. We put it in place to keep the system up and
running. It's been happening for thousands of years,
since the 6000 laws of Hammurabi's code, which
established the first written account of a society's
standards and what would be unacceptable - and further-
what the punishments would be.

The problem is now that humans have gone out of their way
to create a system that is based on moral precepts but the
punishments often embitter the person and leave he or she
bent on committing more crimes to avenge the society that
has abandoned them.

And so goes the cycle.