Goodnight, Starlight.

2008-01-29 01:30:10 (UTC)

january... JANUARy? WHAT?


i write these for my own benefit, so that in a few months
time, i come come back and read what i have previously
written and see if i've changed in any way.

well... let's see. paul and liam came and i can honestly
say it was one of the worst visits... - ever. everytime
they come gere, it gradually gets worse because i always
feel like im being a bitch. i act differently, i become a
sobbing wreck, and yeah. i act like a bitch. i feel
horrible because thats never how i really am. i just wish
i could be around paul as just a friend and be there for
him as a friend but it's so hard. it's so unbelieveably

i thought i could do it. i thought to myself "this time,
it's time. i'm going to stand my ground and just chill
out, and take things as they come". well... no. it didn't
work like that. i ended up being a needy piece of shit
that just asked too much of him. one night, i got really
drunk at a party bbq thing my parents had thrown, and i
dragged him into the bathroom for i don't even know how
long. and it was just a load of emotional shit that i
truely don't even care about really. but i forced it all
onto him because i get weak when i'm around him. i feel
like i need to know every speck of detail in his life, so
i decided to read his chat logs. OOPS - big mistake. i
found out he had gotten back with claire the day i left
which really hurt me. the fact that you break up with
someone, get with you for 3 weeks, then you leave and he
goes back to the other girl right after, without telling
me. it just hurt a lot.

anyway, after all of the bitching and whatnot, they left.
we spoke on msn loads and i thought thing's were going
really really well but then it's like we hit a brick
wall. we stopped talking as much, he started being a
really big asshole and i don't know why. everything i
said to him was either stupid.. or just.. stupid. tihs is
where the beginning feeling of hatred formed. the way he
acted towards me was something i had never expected from
him .. ever. he's always been a really genuine guy, who
says nice things and tries to make you feel better. not
this character building bull shit that he tries to do
now. "lets make them feel like shit then.. i dont know.
WHO CARES LULZ". it makes me so angry how cold he is. the
more i speak to him ( to this day.. jan 28th ), the more i
really, really dislike him. i hate so much hate for him
but at the same time i can't stop speaking to him, so i
don't know what my problem is. he's too important too me,
because i still get excited at the thought of travelling
10, 000 km just to see him.

anyway.. i'm going to Cuba with liam in about... 50 ish
days. i'm so excited! bare drinks and tannage going on.
it will be a good time. then hopefully, he will be coming
back in June time for prom (HOPEFULLY), then i;m gonna go
back to England with him in July. i;m really excited.

exams............................... holy fuck. they are
this week and ive barely studied. i have Global Hist 12,
Math 12 and English, math and english are provincials, so
3 and 5 hours long. i was supposed to have Math and
Global today but school was cancelled due to horrible
weather.. so they are tomorrow;... and its almost 10
oclock at night and i havent even picked up a book to
study today. im somewhat confident about global, but im
confident on failing in math. i hate math. so much. why
did i take it? i don't know.

enough of me. goodnight.


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