blkdragon

grounded
2008-01-22 10:25:28 (UTC)

Waves and journeys

Last Thursday Patty was at the rink, she came over to me
while I was preparing to skate and told me that "they"
missed me on Tuesday, she asked me what I had been doing and
I told her that I couldn't remember; I hadn't expected the
question and I didn't give the answer any thought.. As I
skated, she came up behind me and tried to keep up with me,
I lost her on purpose; I didn't want any company. she'd
suggested that we talk later that night, when she decided to
leave I didn't stop for her. I'm keeping my distance on
purpose, I don't mind saying hello and an occasional chat, I
don't want to talk about her boyfriend or the people in my
life; that doesn't leave much room for anything else.
1/20--10:53AM--Got out of bed at 7:30 with a stress ache on
the left side of my head, guess all of the concerns I've
been dealing with are getting the best of me right now, I'll
fix that; I have an exercise that is guaranteed to relieve
the stress and I meant to get on it right away but I had
other things I wanted to do. I went to my office to check
mail and turn on some music, I keyed my study play list and
began making corn muffins, I also decided to bake cake and
I'm now working on chicken breasts; the chicken will just be
pan seared, it's been seasoned with lemon
pepper/basil/Italian seasonings/garlic and Asian sea salts.
After exercising, I plan to have 3 eggs sunny side up and a
couple of the corn muffins, I added 2 spoons of brown sugar
and their tasty as hell; I should have let the batter sit
for a while to form nice crowns but I was in a rush, I'm the
only one that's going to eat them.
I found a delightful note from ~t, she was thinking about me
and that was enough to inspire a desire to be cuddling with
her, I warmed to the thought!
I skated until closing last night, Sheila is the name of the
woman that wanted to introduce her new friend to me, he was
there last night, as well as her Daughter and his Daughter.
I went to shake his hand and apologize for our initial
meeting, we spoke of his Daughter's joy in returning to the
rink. Sheila's Daughter has a lisp and I'm sure her peers
must kid her about it, I find it cute and it seems to be
part of the reason she has such a grinning smile, Sheila
tells me that her Daughter is my biggest fan; I don't want
fans, friends are nice though.
Cassandra came to talk to me about her figure skating and
doing spins on ice, she wanted to know how I spin on wheels
and we discussed it, she wanted to get plugs for her roller
skates because the toe stops keep her from spinning on them;
she asked me to come with her to inquire about them. The
attendant wasn't informed enough to help and said he'd get
Charles (the owner's Son) to help Cassandra and I left her
at the skate room.
When Sheila's Daughter came over to me, Cassandra was there,
I don't think Cassandra has very many friends; if any.
Cassandra asked Sheila's daughter her name, I then
introduced her, it was breaking my heart to see her so
needy; I am proud that she's so open though. What breaks my
heart is the fact that whenever I see her opening herself to
others, they don't seem to be reciprocating, she knows that
I'll alway be there for her though; I know that's not
enough, she needs friends in her peer group and I can't do
anything about that.
I was expecting a call from Charlotte this morning, I didn't
want her to call, I need not to hear the sound of her voice
for a while; the phone did ring this morning. Kathy was on
the phone asking if I'd seen our Son, I told her that he'd
come for his things and she asked if he had a number she
could call, if he had a number he'd have made sure she had
it; why didn't she know this already; what was this call
really about? I could hear and feel her disdain for me
coming through the phone, she didn't need to use the excuse
of contacting Charles for me to know how she feels about me,
I guess I needed a reminder.
I don't think I'd originally planned to skate today, I will
though, I'll stretch and do the stress relaxer; eat and soak
before heading out. I'll do my laundry afterwards, I also
need a couple of things from the store. If all goes well,
I'll let Miko show me where we're going!
I ran into a friend in the industry last night, Paula, she
skates like a sparrow in flight and she's one of the only
skaters that I've ever seen that rolls deep inside of
herself. Paula has heard of the impending doom of TV and
asked if I'd planned to stay in the business, she told me
that she'd gone to work elsewhere and told me that she had
contacts to aid me if I decided to stay in the business, she
gave me her new number and I may enlist her offer; we'll
see. Later last night, Paula needed to have her truck
tightened and asked if I had a wrench, I pulled out my tools
and tightened her skates; I thought I'd over-tightened them
and she told me they'd be ok. I'm overwhelmed by the love I
receive in the most unlikely places, even if it's not the
love I'm looking for, it is love though!
1/20--7:02PM--I'd never seen the rink so crowded as it was
today, I got there just before 2, Skip's Daughter's are
handling the door now and one of them seems pregnant; she
always makes sure to use my name when she thanks me, I guess
I've been the topic of discussions with the Family. I
prepared to warm up and found that before the end of my
session I'd be attacking the floor, I did everything but
growl from the exertion, I felt the facial contortions born
of my efforts and can only imagine what those viewing me
must have thought; not that I was concerned.
Just got a call from Charlotte, she was telling me about
being sick for the last two days, I guess that was her way
of letting me know why she hadn't called; I was actually
glad not to hear from her. She told me her team was heading
to the Super Bowl and all the things she got done today, she
also told me all the things that pissed her off today;
Charles rang me (while I spoke with Charlotte) to ask if his
Brother's phone was still on and I told him that I didn't
know and that I was on another line. Charles has called
twice today about nothing, he's making calls because he has
nothing better to do with his time and it's too cold to be
walking outside. Maybe Charles and Charlotte should have
called each other instead of me?
Charlotte began telling me the things she needed to do and
the fact that she was tired, I told her to do whatever she
had to do and go to bed, she really didn't have anything to
say to me and I didn't have anything to say to her; she's
not on my mind as much as I (apparently) am on hers and she
finally got the point and reluctantly told me that she'd
talk to me later. I'm hoping later is many days from now, I
don't want Charlotte clinging to me because she can't stand
to be alone with herself, eventually she'll get flirtatious
and I don't want to hear any of that; she doesn't have to
worry about being strong enough to avoid temptation, I'll be
strong enough for the both of us!
Now I get it, she's been without sex for over a month and
it's killing her, she tells me that she still has people she
can call; I think she should call them and get her desires
out of the way. She's told me that (because of her surgery)
she'll need someone to be gentle with her, someone that will
consider her enough to be tender, I'm not liking the fact
that she thinks her desires/needs should be more important
to me than mine; perhaps she thinks sharing her body with me
is what I need, she's wrong!
When Charlotte told me that she'd gone too long without sex,
she expected me to jump at the chance to have sex with her
again, what she doesn't know is that I didn't enjoy having
sex with her as much as she may have enjoyed having sex with
me; there should never be pressure to perform unless you're
getting paid to do so. I refuse to be reduced to being one
of her fukbuddies, I don't need sex as much as she seems to
thing she does, what I want is far more important.
There will not come a day when she calls and suggests that I
come for her, it's not going to happen and I'm not too keen
on being surprised by her at my door hoping for a booty
call, I'm not the one and I think she's beginning to
understand that I'm nothing like the "men" in her life
before me. I love the idea of sharing my body with someone
that wishes to share her body with me, where we take our
time to explore each other and savor the many touches that
become waves on the shores of our ecstasy, where the breath
catches in our throats and we're surprised by the next wave;
where we're forced to hold on because we don't know where
the next wave will take us. To hell with performing, our
love-making should open the gateway to the dimension of our
passions and desires, to our delight in pleasing that
special person as much as they're pleasing us, where we
prolong riding the wave to the point that reaching the shore
is surprising and overwhelming; we now join souls and find
strength in one another.
Charlotte may never understand that it's not about the
destination as much as it's about the journey, the
destination is a foregone conclusion!
1/21--8:14PM--Got out of bed this morning, didn't bother to
make it, I had hopes of returning to it; prepared to go to
work. I made an omelet with mushrooms, tomatoes and habanero
cheese, seasoned it with lemon pepper and Asian sea salt; I
browned two corn muffins and packed it in the cooler. I
would have brown rice, chicken breast topped with Alfredo
sauce for lunch. I made a smoothie with banana, black
cherry/vanilla swirl yogurt blend and a touch of orange tea,
it's easier to take the vitamin and supplement capsules with
something that has body.
I headed out to the car, Joe (my neighbor) met me outside,
we bid each other good morning and he told me that he had a
gift for me; a can of lubricant. I thanked him and wished
him a good day, I proceeded to find drivers to pass, as I
listened to the stereo I was reminded of listening to
Christina Aguilera's "Oh Mother" (yesterday) and coming
very close to tears, so close I started huffing; I wasn't
ready! The song is about her Family being abused by her
Father, I can relate to it very well, as far as I'm
concerned; I was the reason my Father stopped putting his
hands on everyone. When I was ten I came very close to
causing him pain because he was preparing to put his hands
on my Mother again, he never did touch her that day because
he turned and found me in the kitchen with them; I was
gripping the chair I was about to use on him. My Father saw
something in my Mother's eyes that told him to turn around,
I never averted my eyes when he turned to look at me, he
stopped what he was doing and left the house, not long
afterwards I'd tell him that one day I'd be bigger than him;
that was a warning!
I was the only person in my Family to ever stand against my
Father, he would have had to kill me to touch my Mother
again, I was considered the soft one; I spent a lot of time
inside myself! My Brother told me that my Father believed I
might be gay, that still gets me, I never liked fighting; I
made a point to learn how! I then learned that it wasn't my
fear of pain, it was my fear of causing pain that kept me
from fighting, I would go to great lengths to walk away from
an altercation and as long as my antagonist allowed me to
walk everything would be fine, all of that is ancient
history now!
I surprised myself by getting to work under the wire, 7:03,
as I walked to set myself up for the day; Greg passed me and
said good morning! I returned Greg's greeting and kept it
moving, he'd learn that his greeting wouldn't be enough to
get me to start talking to him again, Greg is a gossip hound
and a rumor monger; I won't make time for that! We had one
job to do this morning, it was complete before 10 and I was
hoping to return home, I have 4 hours of personal time to
use and I wouldn't get to use them. Jim seemed to be sick
today, he didn't get any better as the day wore on and he'd
leave at 2:30, I stayed until just before 3. I was tired and
went back to bed as soon as I got into the apartment, I had
to turn the heat up, I'd left it at 45 this morning; I
didn't get up again until after 6.
People got layed-off after lunch today, it was unfortunate
because they were asked to work the week-end and should have
been allowed to finish the day, that didn't happen!
I was surprised by a note from ~t this morning, her missives
are always a smile away from making my day. I was also
surprised by my friend Lexie, she's pregnant again and
hoping not to miscarry this time, we chatted briefly and she
told me her plans for tomorrow; she needs to see a few
doctors and she'll tell me how things go upon her return home.
The rink was packed to capacity Sunday, I was lucky to find
a parking space close to the door, I keep getting the
biggest smiles from little children and they get big smiles
from me.





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