Jack's Twisted Kingdom
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2008-01-09 04:40:55 (UTC)

tic tac boom

I don't know if it's me, or perhaps if it's just the way
in which I tend to conduct myself, I'm pretty sure it's a
bit of both, if not entirely both, that tends to see me
wandering around with my head in the clouds, wishing for
something to happen, and then ignoring it when it does. Or
perhaps even worse, when I do see it, don't ignore it, and
sit and ponder the relevance it has on my existence rather
than do something, perhaps anything, to improve it.

then, of course, is the fact, that I've been let down again.
I find when I open up that little door, when I let someone
in, it invariably, leads to a slow, and often rapid descent
of our friendship. such as it was, is, and has turned out to
be. I cannot rely on anyone, when I do, something fucked up
always happens. It's usually my grand and lofty plans that
end up getting thrown out of wack and I end up doing nothing
that I should have done.

So. what to do now. I've been here before. that black pit,
the bottom of the well. the eerie dusk hangs over me, the
deafening silence of unfulfilled dreams churning away,
leaving pandemonium in it's wake. It's almost like I'm
not supposed to crawl out and achieve anything. Or perhaps
I already have, having done so much before, and in the last
few years, nothing, nothing noteworthy at all.

it'd be nice to be able to rely on people when they say
they'll do something. But in the end, it's my own fault, for
thinking that I was deserving of such, or perhaps my own
naiveté in thinking that I could rely on help when I so
desperately needed it. I think maybe I just simply believed
in it too much. There's a lesson to be learned.