blkdragon

grounded
2008-01-07 05:46:59 (UTC)

Why was I on everyone's mind today?

1/6--10:21AM--I just realized that Lynne sent me "A million
little pieces" and damned if that book isn't fresh in my
mind right now, that's where Charles is; in a million little
pieces. Try as I may, I can't put those pieces together for
him, I can only move him away from me to keep from joining
him; I won't be able to help him if I shatter. Lynne's
funny, she's threatening me and through all the bravado I
hear her heart, I love her as well. I forgot to send (young)
Charlotte the "Animusic" cd's, I'll take care of that on
Monday, my feelings for her have nothing to do with her
Mother; she is a truly bright child and her potential may
never be tapped.
I can only hope that Charlotte's dreams have a chance to be
realized, there's no way I can actively participate in her
life without generating enmity with Charlotte, she couldn't
fathom us being just friends; she'd push the envelope and
tell herself that I want her when it would eventually be the
other way around. Sex with Charlotte was like having a race,
I didn't like that at all, I don't want to be in a hurry to
enjoy the woman I care about. I want to enjoy my woman until
dawn and then fall asleep inside her, I want her to feel me
being a part of her and know that we share much more than
bodies, Charlotte may never understand the concept; that
ceased to be my concern 5 months ago. To say that I don't
care about Charlotte wouldn't be true, my feelings for her
have changed colors, they're no longer pulsing iridescence
as much as they are the many greens of a pasture; different
shades depending upon many elements.
I've developed one hell of a yearning for BC, I find myself
thinking of Tamara at the oddest times and the ensuing
thoughts need to be penned to keep from losing them, of
course there's intimacy at the core of those thoughts; (more
importantly) there's a peaceful urgency. I feel a strong
desire to see her and not just on my phone, I'm trying to
understand why I find her as intriguing as I do, the river
of time will take me where I need to be.
I just got off the phone with Bea, she thanked me for the
birthday wishes I'd sent and we spoke a while, she asked
about Charlotte and Charles; she also told me that she's
been sad for the last two years. It seems her natural state
is sadness, it's something she recognizes and accepts, that
in itself is not a good thing. I told her about writing a
piece of erotica, she told me that she's not only ignorant
but illiterate as well, she told me that's why she enjoys my
reading to her and asked if I could read some of what I'd
written; she regularly thinks my characters are real people.
She actually thought Miko might be looking to buy property
and I had to tell her that Miko is just a character in my
story, she enjoyed what I'd read to her and had to end our
conversation, she had to bring lunch to and feed Larry;
apparently his health isn't what it should be. When we hung
up I'd realized that we'd spoken for an hour and a half. Bea
is a strange bird, I can't help but love her though, she's
been through tragedy I can't begin to fathom; it's a wonder
that she hasn't gone insane and I imagine the strength of
her will to be enormous. I think most people fall under the
category of victim and hero, we flit through each at
different times, I'm just trying to maintain a balance; as
are we all and at the moment I feel like a victim. I plan to
change my status before morning!
1/6--7:42PM--I just got off the phone with Lynne, I told her
that we weren't going to talk about the money I sent and we
didn't, we talked about our children; that's a major source
of heartache for her. I'm trying to let the heartache I
feel go, I still haven't seen Charles and I could imagine
what may be, we talked about contacting the jail and
hospitals but that would be giving in to fears that aren't
realized yet; I'm of the opinion that fear on his part has
kept him away this weekend. What is most important to me is
the level of respect that should always be present with
anyone, Charles' use of things that don't belong to him,
without requesting permission is a big thing with me, he's
been doing it all his life because he doesn't want to hear
the word no; life isn't all about what we want.
I'd been thinking that perhaps I should purchase life
insurance on him, how morbid is that, I have felt (since his
birth) that I would outlive him; such a thing would be
devastating to us all and more so for me. I have buried one
Son, Michael-Curtis, he lived for 30 hours and I never got
to see or hold him; I'm thankful he never made it home
because it would have destroyed both his Mother and I.
Perhaps that's been Kathy's problem all along, thoughts of
our other Son that made her over-protective of Charles, it
certainly hasn't helped him. Kathy was never strong and I'm
seeing that Charles can't seem to marshal the intestinal
fortitude he's gotten from me, he probably can't even see
that he has it, one of the things he's never considered is
his ability to move all of those around him; one way or
another he gets everyone to do exactly what he wants them to do.
Recent evidence suggests that Charles may have spent the
weekend with Eva, he's taken my pajama bottoms and that
would suggest bringing things for an overnight stay
somewhere, I don't see his other toothbrush and when he left
here he knew where he was going; he also knew that he
wouldn't be bringing my headphones back here. He wouldn't
have done these things to stay with one of his cronies, his
decision to intentionally deceive me is a serious issue,
regardless of his reasoning; the chances of him being back
here before tomorrow are slim. Charles will want to slink
back into the apartment to keep a confrontation at bay, a
man stands, right or wrong; he answers for his actions and
this is what I've tried to teach my Sons. I had them
accompany me to court when I got a traffic ticket, I could
have paid that ticket by mail, I chose to bring them to the
court and allow them to see that I was willing to stand in
judgment. Because I chose to stand the judge showed his
respect and I left there without paying a fine, the judge
admonished me to never appear before him again and I haven't.
I found myself thinking that Charles would be hungry when he
returns, then I thought about a dog I had once, I would let
her out into the yard and she would leave the area for the
day; when I called for her she'd come home running. She'd
come into the apartment and go straight for her dish, I'd
ask her why she hadn't eaten wherever she'd been for the
day, if she could be on her own she should have been able to
get what she needed; that wasn't a lesson she could learn.
That is a lesson Charles should have learned, if he can be
out on his own, why can't he feed and house himself and why
didn't his girl feed his body with more than hers, the point
is he shouldn't come here hungry; he can always have cereal.
When he contributes, he can eat what I eat!
I understand a bit more about Bea, after having our
conversation, she always asks about the rink (our common
denominator) and I haven't kept anything from her; my life
belongs to me and I want her to know what she wants to know.
Bea is honest with me, there's no need for me to be anything
but honest with her, she's still seeing John from time to
time; I keep telling her that she can't save him. I've come
to realize that Bea needs to control the men in her life,
this is due to her horrendous childhood, her Stepfather's
gross mistreatment of her Family; she will never allow
herself to be at the mercy of any man for very long. Bea
made a point to tell me that she was trying to help John
regain his self-esteem, she has a warehouse full of
expensive furniture that she's sold to him at a gross
reduction of cost, so he wouldn't feel less than a man; she
told me that she created the job of foreman just for him. I
think if anything, Bea is partially responsible for his not
having the self-esteem she spoke of, she empowered him to
strip him of that power and now doles out her left-overs to
him. She once told me that all of her intimate relationships
began as business, she wanted to finance (facilitate was her
word) a laundromat for me, I declined her offer; she asked
about the state of my relationship with Sheridan and I don't
remember answering her.
We talked about her recent paintings, how she sent photos to
her relatives and they weren't received well, it hurt her;
she thought they'd understand the pain that she went through
to give birth to those visions, they only wanted to see her
happiness and told her as much.
Bea's entire life has been one defensive posture after
another, she's gravitated towards the same thing she
attempted to run from, life is dangerous; hiding from it
doesn't keep it from your door. Bea thought amassing money
would ensure her safety, it hasn't, it merely gilded her
prison and the prison is more of the soul than the body. Bea
would have to be able to trust someone other than herself,
implicitly and that's not something she can do. When we met,
she'd told me that she knew she'd be safe with me, that
wasn't the same as trusting me; there was and is nothing I
wouldn't do for her. Bea has been through hell, I'd make
each of those demons pay dearly for what they've done to her
soul, I told her that Miko would build her home on Bea's
mountain and she told me that I'd have to come and see the
place one day; I can't see that happening.
I did want to see a cave (that borders her property) she
said was a way-station on the Underground Railroad, I
believed that I'd feel something there.
Charlotte called, she was bitching at first, mostly I think
it was a fact finding mission; she wanted to know if she'd
be welcome here. We talked about the argument she had, I
wasn't angry then or now, she wondered why I hadn't called
her and I told her that I took her at her word; I didn't
have a reason to call. She resorted to flirtation, trying to
see if a spark still existed, I laughed and joked with her;
I wouldn't even entertain the idea that anything could ever
come of a union between us. Charlotte's merely trying to
fill a gap in her life, trying to get over the pain caused
by the shit with Billy and I'm not the placebo, I let her
know how easy it was for me to walk away from her; it is
what she wanted or was it? She talked about not holding a
grudge for very long, I can hold one, I try not to. She
asked how it's possible to love and hate someone at the same
time, I told her that it's impossible to hate someone that
you don't know or care about, easier to come to hate someone
that you still say you love and that it's impossible to hate
anyone that you truly love.
If you love someone and they decide that they can't be happy
with you, you let them go where they can be happy, if you
truly love them you want them happy; even if it's not with
you. Charlotte asked what I'd do if she surprised me and
showed up at my door, I told her that the only surprises I
like are checks in the mail., I really wouldn't want her to
show up at my door; she's assuming I don't have a life
without her and she's wrong. I went 5 months without
thinking much of her, I don't need unnecessary drama in my
life and I don't need to relate to anyone carrying emotional
baggage with them, if I'm done with someone (intimately);
I'm done! I don't mind being cool with Charlotte, I'm not to
be toyed with and she doesn't know anything else, if she
were everything she believes she is she wouldn't have a need
to call me, I didn't have a need to call her and I don't
think of myself in the same terms as she.
We didn't speak about my Son at all, I'm grateful for that!




Ad: