lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2007-12-25 15:53:32 (UTC)

merry care

9:11AM Christmas morning

I have to type fast since I'm going to my brother's
house at ten and for some reason I feel OK. I slept last
night at my mothers to take a break from my apartment and
actually got a good sleep where I forgot my dreams and woke
up with that great feeling like a high wanting to go back
to sleep. For the last week I've been having terrible
nightmares, waking up shaking and sweating, a few times
waking by my own yelling, trying to escape whatever dream I
was having. I think last night I barely moved because my
body isn't sore.
I came close to crumbling and going to the hospital
or, 'The House', where people with Bipolar disorder go
rather then the hospital to get away from things, voices I
was hearing, the pounding of feet above me and the drunks
that now live next door. It's just my luck, my new
neighbors on top of me and beside me are both rowdy and
it's hard to ignore when I'm out of meds and luckily Pab
helped me out so that I could attend some sort of Christmas
with my family. I missed my family dinner last night
because I was too fucked up but I feel OK now, at least I
think I do. Before I go to my brothers I'm going to phone
my father who has probably been trying to get a hold of me
but I had my answering machine off and every time it filled
up I would delete all the messages rather then go through
them because it would only depress me if it were Ter, Ang,
my father or other people trying to get a hold of me when I
was a wreck. Finally, I feel somewhat back to life, still
shaking slightly but nothing compared to how bad I was the
week following.

I hope my father gives me a bit of money so that I can
get all my stuff out of the pawn shop or buy a bike so that
I have transportation after the winter, I'm not sure if he
remembers me telling him that it got stolen, if not I'll be
grateful if he got me a present period. Hopefully I'll be
able to see him today after my brothers and I also hope
that I'm not forced into going to any family gathering,
it's going to be hard enough seeing him and my brother, let
alone aunties and uncles that I haven't seen in a really
long time where I was usually sick and didn't have long
conversations, just, 'Hi, how are you?'

It's been a long year full of stress and ups and downs
but I made it through another year where I can hopefully
find some peace within myself so that I don't get as sick
as I have been and want to focus on taking my medication
properly so that I don't have to go through withdrawal like
I just did and still am, wish to go back to work, having a
stable job, even it's only two days a week at first, maybe
working the weekends somewhere. My brother is too
demanding when it comes to working for him and I wish he
understood but I guess you could only understand if you
were in my shoes. I also hope I can somehow move out of
here because with the raise in rent it leaves me almost
nothing for food.

I wish everyone a good Christmas and hope your all
feeling OK and remember the family you grew up with, who
raised you and hug them even if you had troubles with them
in the past. It's a time for forgiveness and well joy but
you don't have to take it that far, just look at the
positive side of things and the gift of life, take care and
have a good Christmas.

lee




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