nin137

Nick's Journal
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2007-12-18 08:15:28 (UTC)

Elation

i'm 26. in fact, i turned 26 four days ago. my birthday
lost itself in the clutter of bankruptcy studying and
take-home paper writing. not that i didn't celebrate it. i
did. we went out for dinner, i got some awesome gifts, and
i turned towards another year.
if you have a december birthday and you're in law school,
don't expect some grandiose celebration, well i guess if
you're me. i'm so encapsulated in my studies that i can't
even appreciate the day taht i was born.
but taht's alright, it's all worth it for what i feel now.
elation.

i'm done! done with exams! don't with studying! done with
worry! done with it all. for this semester.
next semester it will all start over again and i will make
myself sick with stress and my workaholism. but that's
okay, out of all of the "aholisms" i can deal with work the
best.
i don't mind spending 10 hours in a law library, nose dug
deep in a legal practice guide, engrossed for hours on end
trying to solve some abstract legal problem handed down to
me by some sadistic professor.
it's all a challenge. but it's not fun. i don't do it for
fun. i guess my working on law work is like dexter killing
a bad guy. he has to. it's a part of him and it's a
challenge. more than anything its a release of whatever
breeds inside of him. so yes, i'm comparing myself to a
serial killer. any joy i get from the deed is purely
incidental to the matter itself, i don't do it for the joy.
and anyone who tells you that law school is "fun" is in the
bottom half of the class.
tonight i had my final final.
the end.
and i was so nervous and stressed about it. i couldn't
study anymore. and just as i always do right before finals
i start getting incredibly obsessive compulsive. i
triple-check that i have enough pens, pencils, erasers,
scratch paper, and dear god...if i'm allowed a cheat sheet,
i review it five thousand times.
and if anything should be out of the ordinary. if for
example our proctor says that we are going to use scantrons
i start to fret about pencils (although i have them).
if my exam is at 6:30 i'll stand staring at the timetable at
4:45 making sure that it wasn't at 1:30.

yeah, finals are fun. i'm a stressed-out assholish wreck
during them. during my finals i think about nothing but
them. for the past two and a half weeks i've had nothing
but legal precedents, doctrinal positions, and normative
values cluttering my brain.
during finals i'm like a person walking down a forest trail
with his bag completely packed to the brim with seeds. it
weighs me down, but with each step i take a seed falls to
the ground and blossoms into something. i can't tell if it
blossoms into a pile of shit, or a beautiful A deserving
flower...as grades don't come out for another month.

but all that burden, all that stress, all that which bears
down upon me for over two weeks is all worth it at that
moment when i step outside of my law school after my last
final. the feeling is one of unbelievable elation. like i
was trapped under ice and finally found a hole through which
i could gasp for air.
and i suck it in. and i feel free. man do i feel free.

i've always tried to figure out why i like what i do. why i
like working so much. i guess because these trying ordeals.
the hours of studying, the hours of outlining, and the
hours of sleepless nights culminate in this moment of
elation. i feel like i survived something. but more than
survive something i feel like i tamed something inside of me
that constantly strives for something. like it's satiated.
after two and a half weeks of straight work, whatever it is
that constantly drives me back to the books finally curls
up, heaves a satisfied grunt, and leaves me in peace.

now i get the peaceful country for my reward. i get out of
the loud, brazen, and sinful city to flee into the arms of
the serene, quiet, and pristine country-side. for the next
few weeks i will hear nothing but the sound of my own boots
crunching through the snow, i will see nothing but the stars
above me, and i will think of nothing but how great it feels
to envelope myself in a peace that i feel that the inner-me
finally has decided i've deserved.


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