Drama (swear words included)
2007-12-12 17:26:04 (UTC)

me & l's relationship

In order for you to understand my ups and downs and
problems you will need to know about my relationship. So,
here's the rundown on things. I have been dating L for
almost 9 months - we started dating mid April 2007. We
really hit it off - so much that we actually decided to
move into an apartment together after hardly 3 months! It
was just easier that way, because we were and are hardly
ever apart. This aspect, I definitely loved!
Things are always great in the beginning for anyone who
JUST started dating someone, you are still trying to
impress that person. Well, once you move in - you are WAY
past 'impressing' someone... and more about you again. Now
we didn't just decide one day - "hey, let's get an apt.
together.' Things kinda went like this:

May - I'm living at my uncle's and working for him too.

May - He moves into an apt with a roomie.

June - I'm living at my uncle's still - but staying mostly
at L's apartment.

End of June/July - My uncle finds a woman, moves in with
her, and decides to rent out the house. I move in with L.

July - L's roommate decides to let a candle burn all night
and ends up starting a fire in the apt. The apt. people
kick her out - so we decide to rent my uncle's house along
with my sister and her bf.

August - WE ARE MISERABLE there with my sister and her bf.
He is a total A$$ and trying to RaPe us on the bills!!

September - Still MISERABLE... but our relationship is

October - we finally save up enough money to get our own
apartment, we move out the 5th.

Now, we are almost caught up - we have been living there
since 10/05/07 - which is great with me. I'm no longer
conversing with my sister or her lame BF... as I cannot
stand either of them for lying, cheating, and trying to
steal $$ from us.

Everything is going good - we're both working and we
still have a strong relationship. The house is getting
cleaned, I'm cooking dinner and we're doing great. Mid
November, L gets laid off by his company (him and 249 other
EMPLOYEES) so we have to fight getting his severance and
his unemployment.

It's now 12/12/07 and he just received his first
Unemployment payment - and has yet to receive his Severance
pay. This month's rent is late, we still haven't paid it -
I'm feeling horrible about it but I'm only working part-
time, and still trying to come up with his birthday gift
(12/18/07) and Christmas presents. He promises everything
will get paid as soon as he gets his severance check, I'm
sure that he will take care of it. Though, I can't help but
be worried about it all!

At first, when he was laid off, he would clean the
house, do the dishes, sometimes even cook. He was great -
he loved seeing me come home and couldn't wait to give me a
big kiss at the door. Now, things have changed... we've
started getting 'antzy' with each other - and there is no
longer a kiss waiting for me when I get home. I'm feeling
more and more lonely everyday so I start going online more
often. I come across this website, which I easily get
addicted too --- these people on here, LOVE my pics and I'm
loving it. I'm having WAY too much fun online and I'm
not 'trying' to meet new people - but they are definitely
approaching me. I'm not interested but it's still

L sees me going online and sees the people sending me
constant messages. I think he starts to get a little upset
with the fact that I'm participating in that. I can TOTALLY
understand where he is coming from and I didn't really mean
to hurt him - but obviously it did hurt him. In the entry
before this, I wrote "You're already looking" - was
basically what he told me after seeing me online and such.
Our relationship is definitely being stressed and it's very
tense at our apt. I try to avoid the stress but I can't
help but feel ignored. I know that he is not doing it on
purpose - but I have such low self-esteem, sometimes I feel
like HE is the only thing that boosts it! I definitely feel
that 9 times out of 10 that I need him MORE than he needs
me. Which is starting to really suck.... because at one
time WE were really on the same page! His son has started
to ignore me and L says that I've starting to compete
against his 2 kids. I seriously doubt this, but I can
understand why his son is feeling like this. His son is not
showing either of us any respect, when he needs something
then he talks to his dad - but not two seconds before. I
know that I'm kind of rambling on... but it's hard to put
my thoughts into paragraphs... when my mind is just
REACHING for everything and trying to put it all on paper.

This is a copy of an email that I sent him:

Please don't do this to me. I'm sorry for feeling the way
that I do - I don't want to argue every single day. Then
its okay... and then we argue... then its okay... then we
argue... I'm tired of being like that. I love you with all
of my heart but what you said last night really stuck in my
mind and I'm so hurt by the fact that you said that you
don't have any trust for me! How can we have a successful
relationship if you don't trust me? My heart aches when I'm
not with you - I'm sorry but I'm so obsessively in love
with you, I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you!
Every thought is about you - what you would think, how you
would feel, how I can make you happy. What am I supposed to
do, when I feel like you are trying to give me an 'out' of
our relationship by saying that 'you're already looking, as
far as i'm concerned it's already over' ... i mean... jesus
L... how hurt can that possibly make me... i wanted to
leave but i knew i wasn't done with our relationship. my
feelings were hurt and i felt so horrible for making you
feel that way. but yet, i know, that even though i
apologized it's still not over... and obviously that didn't
make you happy either.

please just tell me what to do - to make it all better, you
NEED to know that you are my 'everything' --- i want
nothing more than what you can give me. i dont care what
you do - i cant help that everything that i want to do - i
want to do with you.

as far as making you feel like you're doing nothing... that
is jus not the case. i call to talk to you - b/c i miss
your voice, your smile, your kisses... and everything about
you. i'm not happy at work... and the only thing that makes
me happy is you. i'm sorry if i bother you by calling...
thats not what i'm trying to do. you are the greatest thing
that ever happened to me... and i'm sorry that we fight and
argue. please just know that i'm trying to make our
relationship work.

i know i put a lot of stress on you - i am so sorry for
that. i wish i didn't think about it over and over and over
again in my head... then it wouldn't ever be on my mind.
you are my heart ~ i hope you can see that i'm willing to
give you everything if you'll let me. if you won't - i'd
rather that you put it all out there now, b/c my heart is
already involved and i'm already in love with you now... i
can't imagine 3 months of 6 months from now... and hearing
you say that you dont want to be with me anymore.

i love you and miss you. thanks for reading all of this.


You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't throw
the Crystal thing in my face when you are rating how hot
guys are on the computer all night. You not only went to
Matts' website, but you burst out in tears when you seen
his new girlfriend. I don't care about Crystal but we do
know people in common and I was wondering who was on there.
I hate her so mich that it ****es me off when you do things
that remind me of her. My kids have seen me with nothing
but ****ed up bitches and they were very happy when I got
with you at first. I think you look at them as imposing on
our relationship. You behave like they are S's kids and she
shouldn't ask me to watch them. You get ****ed off Just
seeing Susans' number. I need a practical relationship. One
where I can go through day to day life without a bunch of
drama. Just like this e-mail you want to discuss our love
24hrs a day. This is e-mail is just more self serving
bull**** for you to hear me say "I Love you", which I am
required to say 100 times a day. You just called to ask me
what I want for lunch. There is no way in hell that you
would not come pick me up first anyway. It was just an
excuse to call to see what I'm doing. You love me but in a
very unhealthy way. You are becoming more agressive and
possesive every day. You saying hold me or kiss me is going
from being cute to almost scarry. Especially in the car,
because you try to use the car as a weapon. The only time
I'm happy is when we are just talking about normal ****.
You just walk around all day saying, Do you love me, you
don't love me, hold me, give me a million kisses, and all
the **** you just said in this e-mail. It's constant and
unrelenting. If you loved me you would give me a chance to
come up for air. Then it turns from love to bitching. It's
bipolar as hell.

So, this is where we stand now. We made up a little
yesterday -- but for the majority this is OBVIOUSLY how he
feels about me.