Mrs_Goodbar28

Lyrics of a Soul
2007-12-12 01:54:50 (UTC)

My Mind's Playin' Tricks on Me

Remember that song? Always tripped me out, but anyways...

Either I'm hornier than usual or my mind really is playing
tricks on me out of boredom! All of a sudden my guy
friends are starting to look quite appealing to me. In
particular, Frankly and Gov'nor, both starting to look
more attractive. Even Young D, who I went on a sorta kinda
date with the Friday before last.

We actually had fun after breaking the ice so many times.
He has this thing where he seems to subconsciously cut me
off in conversation, which got on my nerves a bit. But the
nite as a whole was pretty dope. After work, we walked (in
the freezing cold) to a sports bar five CITY blocks away.
It went pretty stale at first. I kept having to pry
answers out of him. It's really hard to have a
conversation with someone who doesn't want to be truthful
about damn near anything and wants to be defensive about
damn near everything. It's like I'm the grad student
dating the freshman in college, two totally different
plateaus! So it was frustrating at first. Then we started
having fun griping about people at work (always a solution
when you experience stalemate with a coworker you're
dating-just bitch about the common ground you have which
is work and the co-workers you love and hate). It was fun
and relieved a lot of stress I'd been feeling. We ended up
sitting a booth side-by-side, watching the Celtics play
the Heat that nite. He was happily surprised at my
knowledge of players & teams and my desire in watching NBA
games. We paid for our meals respectively and then walked
back to the train...laughing about the Boondocks series on
Adult Swim. It was cool, he hugged me and told me to let
him know once I got home. So cute sometimes!

One bump in the nite was while we talked about coworkers,
I asked him if a rumor about him was true, rather
indirectly. The rumor was that at an afterhours party with
coworkers, he was holed up in the bathroom making out with
a girl who is, let's just say, not the popular choice and
definitely not expected to be caught in an intimate
situation with him. He completely denied it, saying they
were just in there talking. I don't know if I believe him
b/c Frankly told me initially and the conclusion we came
to is that Young D seems almost desperate enough to do
that. Secondly b/c the girl in question confirmed the
rumored event with a close friend of mine. But it doesn't
really matter if I believe him b/c I'm pretty sure we
won't be romantically involved any time soon.

Then there's my relationship with Gov'nor, who I see the
most of all of the guys. Maybe it's his eye lashes (he has
gorgeous eyelashes, I'm not even kidding), or his sense of
humor, or his around-the-way charm...I don't know, but
something about Gov'nor has made him more noticeable to
me. It's awry to me b/c I see him as a little brother. He
really does remind me of my brother Dee so it's odd. I
even feel myself getting a little jealous when the little
office ho is hanging off his neck (mostly b/c she does
that to all the guys who allow it and I don't want him to
become contaminated by her kind). Additionally, the age
difference is clear. Anyway, it's just weird and feels
wrong. That's all I can say about that.

Lastly, I've begun to look at Frankly in a non-neutral
way. It sucks b/c he is my reliable male friend. We have
yet to hang outside of work, but we have been there to
gossip and provide the other gender's latest news on what-
have-you. I got a little excited when I saw him today
(which is happening more frequently). And we usually ride
the train together, but he wasn't ready to leave when I
was so I took off. It was the strangest thing, I found
myself wanting to ask about his relationship status. He
told me he'd hung out with his ex last weekend so I was
curious about whether that meant he was seeing her again.
I just don't want to become a statistic b/c our
running joke is that he's a popular guy with the ladies in
the office already. Besides, he hasn't indicated much
interest in me romantically (not to mention, he's tired of
the girls we work with and made it clear dating at work
isn't appealing to him right now, if ever) so I will
adhere to those cues and leave that be. And anyway, I
don't think I really like him like that (even though I
know he'd fit in well with my fam..especially my mom who
luvs his Denzel impersonations), I think it's just that
time of year. Winter has a tendency to make you
more aware of your singleness than any other time of year.
Guess what they say is true.

Besides my out of whack feelings, everything else
continues to be a ball of confusion to me. This week was a
bit less stressful and annoying since I saw less of Drama,
who apparently will be quitting b/c he has lukemia. Too
bad it hasn't made him less of a jackass. Last Friday we
and a service day that was fun and even more so once the
Lt. returned from his trip and joined us. I also had fun
arguing with Young D about what was considered "Old
School" music, again, allowing him opportunities to jab at
my age. Of course, fellow music addict the Lt. was in the
middle of it adding fuel to the fire. It was fun as usual
with those two. It's just funny how the Lt. always happens
to find a place in the middle of our little exchanges. I
also had to endure being slightly harassed by another
coworker who claims to have strong feelings for me and
keeps calling and asking me out. How many unanswered (and
unreturned) calls does it take before he gets the point? I
wonder.

Anyway, after talking with my friend whom I'll call Bell,
I decided I want to move to New York with her next year
but after visiting my brother yesterday, his doubts about
my survival have set their claws in my determination and
are ripping away as I write. It sucks being the middle
child. Everyone bitches at you for not being an adult but
when you try to break out on your own, they never let you
hear the end of your mistakes. And I told him, maybe it's
time for me to stop being so spoiled and using my parents
as the safety net they begrudgingly provide. I don't see
anybody else doing that. I'm just ready for a new
adventure. It feels like I've seen all this city has to
offer me and I want to live wild and free before I settle
here, which is what I intend to do b/c I luv it here!
Before I left, Omar clarified that he only wanted me to be
as prepared as possible before taking that leap and that
maybe continuing my current job wasn't the best route to
take. But it's the only sure-thing I'll have there so now
I'm torn.

Anyway, I pray I won't drown in indecision and die
standing in the same spot b/c I was too afraid to venture
b/c everyone warned me of the bad things that might
happen! How am I to know unless I try it out?! This is the
only life I got! So, if you believe in God, please send
prayers my way. It hurts the heart. Indecision. Don't let
anyone tell you different.

Until next time: Live. Love. Life.




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