sofbalchickee

OMG

why do i fuck up everything. of course, k called (l's son)
and i had to start a big fight... as usual. i just can't
leave well enough alone. i have to be so stingy and
selfish. i wish i could just learn how to shut my mouth. l
left to go to mm's for 2 p. im so freaking mad at
myself... i dont understand why i have to ALWAYS start the
fight. if i was just a little less stressed out and a
little less selfish we could be perfect together. l said
that 'as far as i am concerned, our relationship is over -
you're already looking.' b/c i joined this online bar
thing... fubar.com .. and my cuz introduced me to it.. i
thought it was a cool idea - so i joined. now, i wish i
had never joined !!!! i am such an idiot, i'm deleting my
account right now! i'm so sorry that i did this to him.

why am i so stupid when it comes to relationships!!!!! i
always fuck them up. i think that maybe i should start
walking or doing something... other than being up l's ass.
it is making us crazy.. and just when i've gotten l in my
heart and i'm in his... i have to go and fuck up....
WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWhY can't i just LET myself be loved
without fucking it up.

i think that deep down i am unsure of myself... b/c the
thought that l will leave me ... is so scary and i feel
like its already happening. i can't believe i'm fucking up
the best relationship i've ever been in..... why why do i
do this to myself. why do i do this to him. why can't i
just shut the hell up sometimes!!!

tonight i've been mad . sad . cried . smiled . loved . but
the first 3 were in the last hour. things always seem to
be fine until ... All of a sudden, they aren't anymore. i
thought this man really did love me... how do i know.. how
could i have known. i dont know if we'll still be together
tomorrow. i told him that all he has to do is say 'i dont
want to be with you.' and i'll leave. he never said those
words but remember he did say that quote above.

it hurts my feelings - but in a way, i can understand
EXACTLY why he would say something like that. i am hurt by
the fact that he doesn't trust me at all. i am almost
depressed about it. why doesn't he trust me... what have i
done to make him not trust me. they say that if you can't
trust someone, then you can't be with them'. ... .. and
now i found out that he has no trust for me... then how
can we ever have a lasting relationship. i just want to
cry, but not really... my feelings are hurt, my heart
would truly be broken if he asked me to leave. i know that
he loves me, there is no way that i can mistake those
feelings. but i mean, how many fights is enough to say
that i can't take it anymore? i wont have any warning...
and it'll just be done one day. ... .. then what will i
do... i'll cry and cry and be heartbroken with no where to
go and nothing to do.. and no where to live. i will be so
screwed! it will be so messed up, but why can't i just
take his feelings into consideration. why must i be so
judgemental towards everything. he is constantly mad at
me.. i can tell he is getting or has been depressed - he
hasn't dont anything in the house. he used to clean up
everyday .. and the house would be clean and happy when i
get home. now its just the same as i left it at 7 in the
morning. i mean dont get me wrong - he is wonderful, he
does the dishes everyday and sometimes he'll clean. but
mostly, not anymore. i think i have been screwing up
lately.

he is still gone, and i'm not sure if that's good or not.
i wanted to leave, but i thought that leaving would be
wrong. i shouldn't leave because i'm not done with this
relationship. i still want to be in it.

to be continued...

he's back. and i'm going to vaccume.