Random (boring) Thoughts
An Angry Christmas
"Tis the season to be angry.
Fa la la la la, go fuck yourself."
In case you were wondering, those are the lyrics to my
favorite Christmas song. It doesn't get a lot of radio
airtime for obvious reasons, but you might catch me
singing it to myself if you pass me in the decked halls
during this joyous time of the year.
Yes, it's not even December yet, and I'm already sick of
Christmas music. It's everywhere you go: on the radio,
in stores, and even in restaurants. Even the less than
savory places in society seem to be in the Christmas
spirit (my favorite strip club does a lovely rendition
called "Jingle Boobs").
If you're anything like me, whenever you hear that lame
Christmas music, you just want to kill yourself. This
feeling only changes in rare cases, such as when you
hear the immortal "Feliz Navidad," after which you want
to kill yourself and others.
By far, the worst offenders are the radio stations who
devote their entire airtime to broadcasting 24-hours of
holiday music. I've got news for you: There aren't 24
minutes of good holiday music anywhere in the world,
much less 24 hours of it.
But this is probably because I'm not allowed to write
Christmas music (at least not legally, that is).
Thankfully, though, I still have my journal.
So, if you're as disgruntled as I am, try humming this
tune the next time you're in an elevator wishing that
Bono's chestnuts were actually roasting over an open fire.
JON'S CHRISTMAS MEDLEY
(To the tune of "Rudolph")
I'm dreaming of a quiet Christmas,
Where nobody plays shitty songs.
And one where I don't watch Commercials
Of Madonna in a Christmas thong.
All of the Christmas shoppers,
Seem to love to hear this junk.
I want to kill the folks who sing it,
And stuff their bodies in my trunk.
Perhaps I'm just an angry grinch,
but when I see a singing elf,
I don't get filled with Christmas Spirit;
I want to shoot myself.
I'm dreaming of a quiet Christmas
When jingly bells are crushed to bits.
Cuz if I hear another awful ballad,
I'm gonna have to slit my wrists.
So everyone throw out your casette tapes,
And put your CDs on the shelf.
For those of you who think I'm grumpy,
Merry Christmas! Fuck Yourself! (last line x3)
Happy Holidays Everyone!!!!!