blkdragon

grounded
2007-11-24 01:14:48 (UTC)

What if...

11/23/07--11:25AM-- I never got around to having that drink
or dessert last night, I got out of bed half an hour before
Charles arrived, my first thoughts however were of
Ekaterina; I'd done some research on the city she lives in,
Novgorod, Russia. Novgorod is 8 hours ahead of New York and
when I got out of bed she was over the hump of her day.
5:55PM--I think I've made a new friend, "hello Tam", she
responded to my diary and sent a reply that led me to her
diary and what I read there evoked this response:
We all come into this world alone and when we leave we take
no one with us, learning to be with yourself is never easy,
especially when you see strolling couples, are those people
really as happy as they seem or are they hiding their true
feelings from one another; are they both waiting for the BBD
(bigger, better deal) and settling for the time with this
other until it comes along?
Most people don't want to do the work involved in sustaining
a meaningful, loving relationship, we lie for the dumbest
reasons; mostly because you'd leave me if I told you the
truth. No, I don't like that you come to bed without
showering, I don't like the way you snort when you laugh and
are you ever going to get those stray hairs out of your nose?
My new friend mentioned my juggling women and I don't see
that I do that, I see what I do as an interview process, how
many applicants will Human Resources review before choosing
the new employee; that person has to meet a plethora of
requirements. Why should searching for the right person in
your life be any different than interviewing applicants, we
shop for cars and clothes, we don't settle on the first
store in the mall
I don't need to fill this spot, I want to fill it and I plan
to make sure that the woman I love, loves me! If she makes
an honest mistake and isn't afraid to run the risk of
rejection by telling me that she made a mistake, if she can
share what scares her about relating to a man and what
excites her about her man, without worrying about
how he's going to take it; if she can tell me that she
didn't like what I said or did because it bothered her, this
is what I want. We'll make whatever adjustments are
necessary and move on.
If she sees some guy she believes is strikingly handsome and
I feel a tinge of jealousy, that's my insecurity, I should
be happy that she's not on his arm; but on mine.
If I glance at a picturesque lovely, I'll probably point
this woman out to her and she may share her view and opinion
on whom we're looking at, then I'll kiss her to let her know
that even though I thought this woman was beautiful; there's
no woman more lovely than she. Just because I look at
another woman doesn't suggest that I want her and I don't
believe that my woman might want a man she looked at,
there's no fear in love. I may even ask her what she liked
about the man she viewed, perhaps I can supplement my style
with something he'd worn, I do want to please my woman.! I
may even suggest that we go to the store and get her the
boots that woman wore, or I'll point out that the way the
woman walked was enough to turn my head, the self confidence
in her step that said she didn't care about anyone else's
opinion of her; that is a definite turn on.
We spend so much time worrying about how others see us, what
about how we see ourselves, if what we see when we look at
ourselves makes us cringe and turn away; how do we think
that person we're looking for will look at us? If we come to
grips with who and what we are, what do we care how another
sees us?
We don't want to be alone, who does? No, I'm not keeping the
next woman that comes along, I'll keep the best woman (for
me) that comes along.
I trust everyone, until they give me reasons not to, they're
innocent until proven guilty; I don't dismiss the the red
flags for fear of being alone.
Linda has a nice voice and wrote one hell of a profile, she
listens well and attempted to interject when she was
interviewing me, I felt the need to give her the most
telling aspect of my life to date; she related to what I was
telling her. In the telling, I relived those feelings and
the passion of my delivery allowed her to know the truth of
the matter and something about my priorities. I didn't doubt
that I was being interviewed and she seemed to have
forgotten that she was the interviewer, perhaps I drew her
in with my lack of fear in being rejected, the woman always
makes the choice for the man in her life; never the other
way around. I'm not sure Linda can recover from not
remembering whom she was talking to, or perhaps she was
thinking of this Michael while I talked, her losing track
isn't a good sign and perhaps not giving her a chance
to have a conversation did me in. I felt the pressure was on
me to give her the best view of who I am possible and she
wouldn't have gotten that through a short-lived
conversation, she let me know (before I called) that I
needed to sell myself and I can't sell a car to a customer
that wants to sell me a car. I let her know that the next
call would put the shoe on the other foot, I'd be
interviewing and she would need to sell herself, something
tells me there won't be a next call and I'm ok with that;
nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I'd given Rebeca my phone number, she hasn't called, it's a
good thing I didn't place a time frame on touching me; I'm
not as rigid as I may seem. I didn't get mail from Ekaterina
today, I miss that, I did send her mail letting her know
that she's not the only woman I'm talking to. It wasn't my
intent to suggest that Ekaterina has competition, just being
honest.
Bea said that she'd call and that hasn't happened, I've come
to the conclusion that there will be no life with Bea and
I'll need to begin separating my emotions from our
communications, if my desires and needs aren't being
fulfilled, what's the sense?
I tried to send Patty Holiday greetings only to find that
the number to her cell had been changed, not that big a deal
since I rarely call her, I guess Kelly didn't take their
break-up well.
I sent Cheetah greetings, I got email from her stating that
she's had two tearfully depressing weeks, I didn't pick the
man in her life and apparently she didn't pick a man either;
she's reeling from having to deal with the grown child she's
chosen to use as a substitute for a man.
I can see why Tam would suggest using a map to keep up,
these Ladies are a handful, at the end of the day I sit here
typing alone; thankful that I didn't settle for less than
the best for me. There's no reason for me not to relate to
any of these women and Ekaterina isn't on the no hope for
list, I don't fault any woman for not choosing me and I very
seldom extend an opportunity for a repeat performance. If I
leave a job, it's for a reason and if I'm not with a
particular woman; it's also for a reason. The chances of the
job getting better are as good as the chances of that woman
changing the way she is and that is not to say that people
can't change, the problem is that most people never look at
themselves realistically.
I've always been willing to make concessions, I shaved my
chest for Charlotte, I put my foot down on dyeing my hair;
these things suggested that Charlotte would never love me
for me, she would only love me for whom she wanted me to be
and that would never do for me. Letting her go got easier by
the day!
Kim, like Kathy, kept her true feelings to herself;
she put forth the image she thought I wanted to see and
whenever I did anything she didn't like, she became a
misbehaving child. Letting her go got easier by the day as well!
The only woman in my life that won't ever go away is Kathy,
she bore my children and I expect a call someday that finds
her in dire circumstances and I owe it to my Sons not to
abandon her.
I don't believe in falling in love, I have been smitten and
I think that's like being slapped into awareness, Bea did
that to me and I don't think it had ever happened before
her; I believe in choosing to love and I chose to love
every woman in my life.
I don't have any control over whether these women choose to
love me, I know that Bea does love me, the fact that she
refuses to act upon it will (ultimately) be her problem;
time waits for no man or woman. The problem here is the
overall connection that we share, emotional, spiritual and
physical; I'm having a hard time understanding how and why
she chooses to act as if it's not important enough. At any
rate, I won't put any other women on hold because of Bea,
who knows what waits on the horizon of my
life and I'm definitely looking in that direction.
I almost forgot Hanifa, she is the only woman to ever rival
Bea, being with the two of them was like floating above the
world and of course they both skate. I'd only seen Hanifa
twice in 3 years, the first time she told me her name and
that she'd return, the second time we skated and she
realized that we should never be in each other's company;
she's married and learned immediately afterwards that she
made a grave mistake marrying that man. Hanifa was smart
enough to realize that we would eventually lose control
around each other, in the time we were together, she let it
be known that we share the same passions, attraction and
philosophies. Although Hanifa is very intelligent, she let
her desires decide her actions and I think she left saying,
what if?




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