Little Bird

Private Babbling
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2007-11-22 17:21:10 (UTC)

Is it time to let go?

I think the last time I stopped in to chat I told you that
Wolfie was giving me a fit. He was MIA for a couple of
weeks after I told him that I want him to be my sir. Well,
one night, I was feeling sorry for myself and when I got
home I sat in my truck and prayed. I asked God to open the
door- if it was meant to be, please let Wolfie be here,
waiting for me. I came into the house and there he was
sitting at my PC. I almost had a heart attack. I kept my
distance from him and we chatted, mostly about music. We
made love that night- more intense than ever. The boy
touches my soul. I drove him home b4 I had to go back to
work. We had stayed in bed just about all day. He said g-
bye, he'd see me soon. Well, that was almost 3 weeks ago
(?). Strangly, I am at peace. I think I may be starting to
let go. I want him but I want all of him. This was the same
problem we had b4. He was into booze, had a parole agent,
under his Mom's thumb... I was hoping this time I could
have him to myself but he is hiding from me.
The thing is, now I have pick of the litter at work and
around town. There is a man that I have been attracted to
for about a year- he's getting a divorce, his wife left
him. He's older than me and we've only seen each other on a
professional level. I dunno how he'd react to my
infatuation- yesterday we spoke to each other, from the
heart and surprisingly honestly. There is a connection but
I'm not like "everyone else". I don't know how to behave in
a relationship unless someone is telling me what to do.
People think I am standoffish or bitchy. The truth is, I
only want to know what you want to tell me. I will not push
you. If you want to be here then be here. I'm not chasing
you down. I want you to chase me. I want to be hunted,
desired. Is that so much to ask? I mean, I might have
called Wolfie in the past couple of weeks to tell him all
the pain and Hell I've been thru but I don't even have his
number and he's cut me off from chatting on line when I
know he has to be online sometime. I am so sad about the
whole situation.
To think, during my pg scare I considered carrying a child
for him. I actually didn't think it would have been so bad-
I know he would have been scared but we could have worked
thru it. On the other hand, guy #2 has kids that are grown-
he wouldn't expect me to have another child, I don't think.
For the first time in 22 yrs he can enjoy his life w/o some
bitch yapping in the background- Wolfie deserves to be able
to have babies and bitches in the background. Maybe we have
a love that has crossed time- but this is yet again, the
wrong time.

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