nin137

Life is full of choices

fuck i'm sick. figures that i should get sick right before
an interview and before thanksgiving break starts.
so i'm trying to rest up a bit before i have to go interview
this afternoon, and i'm lying there in bed, slowly closing
my eyes with the happy feeling of pure relaxation descending
upon me.
not to be so.
"YOU ARE A FUCKING BITCH!"
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!!!!!!!"
our neighbors.
fuck.
our neighbors are insane. you know i'm done acting
skeptically about them. for a while i made so many excuses
for it...oh its their first year, oh they're white trash, oh
he just drinks too much. fuck that. that dude is an
abusive asshole.
so i'm lying there, their screaming at each other sawing
through my head like a chainsaw. i curled over to one side
trying to get away from the thin-ass wall which does nothing
to hide me in and let me escape in my own ignorance.
all i could really hear is this sort of loud rumbling
between them as the wall muffles a lot and also because i
had a pillow over my head.
once in a while i'd hear some scampering (as if the girl
were running from him) then some really loud screaming, then
curse words (all curse words oddly come through crystal clear).
finally he ended with,
"YOU ARE A STUPID BITCH, FUCK YOU!"
she wailed something and then i heard what must have been
the apartment door. i envisioned him walking outside of my
wall right now, steaming mad...drunk?
i listened to her sob for about five minutes then got up
feelling nauseous (and not just from the sickness).
at some point she had to have made the choice to marry him.
i wonder if she feels it a mistake now? i don't get that
type of relationship, that type of abusiveness.
and that got me thinking about our life choices. i don't
try to make any aires about my choices. choices are divided
into 10% planning, analyzing, and logical thought, the other
90% is just pure luck. luck that what you planned, analyzed
and thought through will actually turn out the way that you
envisioned.

that's not to say that the 10% doesn't affect the 90%.
obviously if you choose a child-molester to babysit your
child for a week there's a greater chance of the 90% luck
turning against your favor. so that's why we put so much
into the 10% because we know how much it affects the other 90%.

the other day juli and i watched the democratic debate on
youtube. i'm still trying to choose a candidate. all i got
out of that debate is that i really don't like john edwards
because he's skeezy. i like biden because he just spits the
truth. i just like the way he engages in debate he seems
quite at ease. the rest of them? i don't like or dislike.
althought one odd thing started to happen during the
debate, i started to like kucinich! yeah that's right. mr.
green. and why?
well because whenever the moderator brought up some ill shit
that has wreaked havoc on our society he'd say,
"congress-man kucinich...you were the only person to vote
for this or vote against this!"
so i'm thinking, wait a second. so if we had voted in
kucinich, we would not have any of the problems we have now
because he's the only one out of all those fucks up there
who voted the right way (in 20/20 hindsight).
i don't know how much that should weigh on my decision but
it did perk me up a bit. of course we'd all probably be
under a canadian/mexican dictatorship if kucinich took the
reins of this country.

so i think the presidential election is a big decision.
then there are small decisions, like whether i should drop
land use regulation for individual income tax. these
decisions weigh upon you for a few minutes but are
incredibly attached. they are the sharp, tiny pebble
bouncing around in your shoe as you run to catch the
bus...seemingly small and insignificant but for that moment
in time, the only thing you can think of.

so now i'm sitting here slowly recovering with some coffee
and i feel so incredibly sad for the girl next door. i have
a decision to make. and i don't for the life of me know
what i should do. how is it in any way my place to intrude
on their private lives? and if i call a domestic abuse line
and report them, what then? now i'm involved? what if i'm
wrong and they are merely going through the growing pains of
their first year together?

well soon i will put on my suit, tie my tie, and step
outside to another interview, on my mind will not be the
best questions i can ask to make the law firm i want to work
for feel love, but what i can or should do for someone i
don't know beyond her screams.