lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2007-11-15 06:10:02 (UTC)

the wedding and the drunk

6:011PM

My brothers big day, his wedding, was only days ago
where most said I did a great job as a best man, that I
looked great, except for my Uncle Dan who adopted a Bi-
poler child Cher, who I was really close to as a child that
recently left him and my Auntie. As far as I know they
don't talk anymore and there's some fucked up rumor that
she's become an alcoholic. I hate rumors, people shouldn't
say shit unless they know for sure that it's true and was
sad that she didn't show up, I would have really liked to
see her.
In order to become an alcoholic you need money so she
must be working and if she's rewarding herself with alcohol
like I was at her age, fuck it, let it slide, she was only
raised by the two worst alcoholics I know, one out of
hundreds that said I did a bad job, fuckface. When your
walking down that isle with all your relatives and people
you barely know with there fuking cameras flashing telling
you too smile, it's worse then doing a show. Cher, there
daughter will eventually learn her lesson if she does or is
an Alcoholic anyways, it's the process of growing up,
puking in toilets, waking up in a bed that's not yours and
at worst getting arrested for being drunk in public,
blacking out or thrown in a drunk tank.

Even my father was mad for once, usually he somehow
blames stuff on me but this time he said my Uncle was out
of line. I wanted to kick the shit out of him not because
I was tanked like he was, imitating me as a penguin but the
last thing my brother needed considering the stress of
getting married alone was a fight, thank god for
Clonazapam. It felt like knowone knew what happened and
maybe they don't, my mother wouldn't even explain to Ter
what happened. It takes balls to get married by both him
and Ing, the bride, to basically say, 'that's it were
together forever', something I don't think I could ever do
unless there was a child involved and even if that were the
case I would probably prefer putting it up for adoption if
it was agreeable on both sides. There's such a long list
for adoptions, I'm sure we would be able to find good
parents.

The fact that I don't even have a girlfriend since Ter
and haven't had sex in months it's an odd feeling being as
old as I am with so many of my friends that have children.
I'm great with kids but would be scarred if they inherited
some of my bad genes, thinking back to how hard school was,
that I had a terrible time focusing in class rooms but at
the same time I miss that life, one that consumes as much
as they can and if you didn't have money like I didn't,
stealing became an occupation. I was never proud to steal,
I was actually scarred shitless of getting caught and after
I reached my late teens I stopped because it was getting
out of hand and as trials go, if you get charged at the age
of seventeen, it can easily take a year to go through the
court process, making you an adult by then, too old to goto
a juvenile home so you either severe a short time or do
community service which is usually the case for first time
offenders.
I took it to heart like I always do when he says
bullshit about me because I take care of my mother, his
sister and I think I have a right considering he magically
does it all the time. He said that while he was taping me
I was slouched down, well fuck face, that's what happens
when you tried to take your own life and fuck your back up
when it was already fucked from working labor intensive
jobs. All day knowone said a single thing about my back
but him, I was up early in the morning taking pictures all
over the city with the other best men, bridesmaids, wife
and husband to be, so fuck it if my back hurt by the time
the actual ceremony began. I tried my best and this is the
last time I'm going to tolerate his shit, no matter what
anyone says, someone has to put him in line and if it has
to be me than so be it. When you get drunk off one beer
that's when your liver is yelling, 'stop it you drunk fuck,
your killing me here'.

Out of all people, my father quit drinking and he
amazes me because he used to be the same way, this time
being completely sober he told me not to worry about it and
actually comforted me through the whole thing because I was
seriously going to speak my mind and tell him the reason
why his adopted daughter doesn't talk to him, it's because
he's a fucking drunk.

I held my cool even after he mentioned it over and
over again as if he was asking for me to reply, maybe the
silence was what bothered him. I hope I fucked up his
filming, there were only like twenty other people with
camera's that said jack shit except that I looked handsome
but anyone wearing a tux usually does and when I told
people who asked who did my hair I said I did, that this is
how I comb my hair when I don't wear a hat. I didn't do
anything except wrap it up in different colors of bands and
grew me beard out, it doesn't make sense how he constantly
said, 'who cleaned him up', as if I was dirty all the time
because I usually wear a hat and my hats rarely have logo's
on them except for artists like Sublime, Hendrix, Johnny
Cash and so fourth that I wear out of respect for the
influence they have on me.

His brain is probably too fried to read what's on my
hats and shirts anyways, I'm the type of person that thinks
your are what you wear and if he thinks I'm normally dirty,
the only big difference is that I wear a hat mostly because
I hate combing my hair, I've worn a hat since I could
speak, maybe that's my parents fault but I think I look
good in hats and without them my skin burns cause I have
red hair and the more my skin burns the more freckles I get
so fuck him.
There's a part of my that feels sorry for his attitude
controlled by substance then there's a large part of me
that remembers the past and how little he helps except
arranging a family meeting to surround my mother after she
had a stroke that I'm pretty sure I've mentioned in my
journal before and defiantly in my songs but leaving his
real name out of them for legal protection. All you have
to do is come to any of my family gatherings, it's almost
like he resents all that I've done for my mother, his
sister.
When that meeting took place he was yelling at her and
at the age of nine I demanded them to leave. He picked me
up and threw me calling me a spoiled brat when we didn't
own much of anything, just a sick mother to take care of.
I was too young to remember if he was drunk at the time but
knew that they were only making her sicker and it helped
because they left shortly after. This coming up Saturday
my Auntie invited me to her home to see the cats I gave her
a while back, she showed me some pictures and one looks
like Tom. Unfortunetly me and my mother were too sick to
attend and hopefully we can do it on a further day.

One plus's was that I got the hottest bridesmaid even
though she's way out of my league, my brother probably had
to talk her into it. Kang a Jamaican who only has one arm
came all the way from Toronto as did my other brother and
his wife, Kang getting a black girl and Benny who he works
with and in my opinion is his best friend, just got out of
a bad divorce but was also a best man who walked with Ing's
sister. He was extremely nervous but got through what I
thought was a perfect speech. He didn't look nervous at
all but said he was and bummed a smoke off of me right
after. It must be hard to spend all that money then watch
it flush down the drain through a divorce, splitting
everything even if he paid for it. He thought his speech
sucked but I thought it was perfect, emotional, short and
sweet. I'l probably never look at there friendship the
same way any day, it must be nice to have someone so close
to you. I have at times but not now, a lot of my friends
have coke addictions, in school, taking care of there kids
and so on...

The first dance was with all of us, something that I
didn't expect but was nice and supposedly I looked like I
was in heaven but in reality we were talking about my
godfather's art and how good it is along with how tired we
were after all the picture taking during the day, probably
why I had my eyes closed in the pictures that were taken
while we were dancing. I took advantage of it to rest my
eyes from the long day, some at an old fort that is where
our city basically became, traders would come from all
around, trading things like blankets, soap, medicine and
other things. The second place was at the old train yard
which I'm looking forward in seeing the pictures. We took
pictures of us on the train with the bride running for my
brother along with many other photos there and at the
reception. Picture after picture after picture.

It's a good thing that I didn't have a car or I would
have probably left after the first dance to get away from
my Uncle or run him over. As for everything else it was a
beautiful wedding, you can tell a lot of thought was put
into it.

I still haven't been able to get into my site and I
have new songs, pictures and animations that I really want
to put up. Like many others pictures make you paranoid, I
really hope most of them turned up good. It was really
nice to see Kang, the last time I saw him I was a little
kid, how things have changed...

lee

I'm so in debt I don't know what to do. Alost three
hundred towards rent, seventy to the pawn shop, five to
Chy, Twenty-five to Pab and thirty-five to Chris. I think
I can work something out with my case worker about the rent
issue but as for the rest, well, will see what happends.

That fucking sucks but the wedding was nice.





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