Little Bird

Private Babbling
2007-11-07 15:37:36 (UTC)

So Sad Today- Limbo

So yeah, I moved to this FL place about 5 years ago and
since breaking up w/Jared I have only made 1 significant
contact. Or so I thought. About 2-3 yrs ago I dated this
boy that I really did love but he had some issues. He is
younger than I am, he's been in to drugs and drank pretty
heavily. I couldn't live with that. When he was good he was
great but when he was bad he was useless. We parted ways, I
dated another guy for a few weeks- but for the most part
I've been hiding. I haven't tried to date anyone- until i
got this new job. Now that I'm around boys again my senses
are awakening. however, there were some unresolved issues
with the boy so i e-mailed him and just wanted to kinda
feel out the situation. well, a couple weeks later we ended
up hooking up. i told him that i didn't want to have sex
right off but GOD, when he came over i just couldn't help
myself. I love that boy. without getting in to a bunch of
details, that boy rocks my world in the most carnal way. he
also has potential to be a really good man and we have a
lot in common.

so, i laid it all out on the line. i thought that since he
was so hot to fuck me after not even seeing me for so long-
after admiting that he never stopped loving me, knowing
that he has very limited contact with the outside world- i
thought i'd be safe if i told him my secret. i guess i was
wrong. he left the im chat last night without saying
g'night. he said he needed time. he's running away from me.
i cried myself to sleep last night. i didn't want things to
change, per say. i am not asking for commitment. i am just
asking to take it to the next level. i am hurting so bad
right now. once again, i am the fool for trusting.

****the conversation****

i need you to "listen" very carefuly to what i'm about to
say because this is going to make us or break us- no matter
what direction this thing is going.

(im shaking just trying to come to terms with this)

in my significant relationships, my "name" has always been
Fancy or Prima. i have always been the favorite pony in the
stable, so to speak, but everyone who knows me knows that i
keep people an arms length away- except once. i made the
ultimate connection with only one person- and they pulled
it all away from me w/o warning. it crushed me. i'm not
talking about your average relationship. i hope you
understand- it had nothing to do with dating, marriage,
whatever. this was someone that i would have died for and
it was my understanding that they would have done the same
for me. i will not bore you with the details, enough time
has passed that i no longer wallow in self pitty over it
but it does sometimes make me sad.

the other night i was so affraid that i had forgot how to
make love to you. i dont know how to explain it. *pause
looking for words to describe feelings* that night was the
first time in a long time i didn't feel like a whore
afterwards. *flipping pages, stay with me* i am not mad at
you when you drink. i'm scared of you. i dont feel like we
are on the same page. i feel used. i need you to be on full
alert because i tend to reflect what is happening. i am
very tollerant, forgiving, understanding but at the same
time i am distracted. i need you to teach me how to love
you. i need you to be patient with me but that doesn't mean
you can't show your true self.

if you know you're not going to be around for a few days
you have got to leave me instructions. when i think about
you- it starts out as a warm feeling, if i close my eyes i
can feel your heat, i can feel your mouth and then my
panties just seem to get wet. it keeps me in a constant
state of frustration because i'm not sure if you want me to
save that feeling for you or take care of it by touching

i know that if, like the other night, we are messing around
and i give you permission i am pretty much not going to
have much say of how things go. i can feel the switch flip
inside you. as long as you touch me- find a button and make
it ours- and make sure i am with you i am fine. say my name
on of the above or one of your own. this is soo soo soo
important because if i don't feel like i am the object of
your desire my own flip switches and i simply let you do
whatever your doing w/o feeling it. i want to feel you. i
want to understand you. i want you to be my Sir.

having said all that, you need to understand that i can not
let you have complete control over me. i am always thinking
about you. i am always available to you. i desire you.
however, i must have time for myself. i have to be able to
function in my daily life, kids/horses/work these are
things that matter to me.

i have to be honest with you now and say that before i e-
mailed you that day outta the blue, i was contemplating the
whole dating thing. i don't have much faith in humans and i
have even less faith in the men around here. i don't think
there are any that i could tell my secret w/o them
seriously doing some damage. i hope i haven't made a
mistake by telling you. i wanted to tell you because there
is something, some part of me that connects to the
possibilites within this relationship.

I hope you're able to process everything I just told you. i
feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest but
i'm also weary.

love me and i will blossom

His respose: (yes, chat speak- icky, i know-) darling there
are some things im really good at and some things im not i
have many talents im stupid and at the sametime smart i
remember when we were together last time you would tell me
stuff and i would miss your point completly-then blow it
way out of proportion i was drinking alot and that helped
noone wut you tell me in this e-mails is hard for me to
understand and hard for me to fallow.I can see im total
blind to alot of wut you are trying to get across and im
sorry for that but i can get some of wut you are saying but
then i get lost easy im really sorry.I needed to tell you
this bcos i want to fully understand wut your telling me
hell idk im getting frustraited right now

*****My Game****** (Erotica Written By me To Him)

Some time after we were reunited we started getting more
and more familiar with each other. The pressure was on; we
were both becoming more stressed by the sexual tension,
after so many make out sessions. Over the past few weeks,
our bodies, who are so familiar with each other, could not
figure out why we were holding back for so long. The time
was right. The house was quiet.
The unspoken expectation was communicated between us thru
the intensity of our eyes. I forced myself to hold your
stare, my heart slamming against my chest like a wild
animal, caged. A current that even you could feel, with the
lightest touch, ran thru me. You lean in close, kissing me
behind the eye, lips lingering. I let my breath out in a
rush. As usual, I didn’t realize I was holding my breath. I
feel faint as we move towards the bed but I know I’m safe
because I feel your arms around me.
Slowly we move to the bed. Our hands intertwined one
minute, exploring the next. My hands ask permission to
undress you. Your hands are not so polite. I know I’m in
trouble for making you wait. As if by magic we are standing
there holding each other naked. Even though this is not the
first time, things are different. The same but different.
Now I feel you tremor and I smile to myself.
You move the hair off my neck and as your hands move down
towards my ass you bite my neck, hard. I lift myself
towards you, your hands spread my cheeks and I can feel
your fingers barely touching my cunt. My nails dig into the
small of your back and I burry my face into your chest,
trying not to orgasm right then.
I wonder if you can feel the goose bumps all over my body.
Every time our weights shift my nipples rub against you and
it feels like I’m being electrocuted. I feel your attention
wonder and then you ask “Hey, I always see that bag right
by your bed. What’s in it? Are you going somewhere?” I
close my eyes, putting my face into your chest. I silently
wonder why you are so random….sometimes….I don’t have to
turn around to know what bag you’re talking about but I
glance behind me. “Uh, no…?” For some reason you go out of
character and decide to press the issue. You start to walk
towards the bag, I hold onto you tightly, trying to stop
you; playing. You barely here me when I say “My…
things...are in there.” I can feel you process this
information. You leave the issue alone and I wonder what
you’re thinking. Awkwardly, we continue to kiss and
explore, the bag is forgotten. My mind starts to wonder a
little bit, trying to separate memory from reality. Part of
my brain wonders if this indeed another dream. I start to
think of the time we lost, wondering about so many things.
My eyes start to mist up and then I notice that you are
looking at me. I try to hide but there’s nowhere to go. I
close my eyes when I feel your hands on either side of my
face. We just stand there for a minute taking it all in. I
nudge you into the bed, blinking the tears away. Your lips
are again at the sides of my face, kissing the tears away.
We lay on the bed for a few moments, getting used to the
idea that we are so close to consummating this new
relationship. Slowly my hand traces the muscles on your
chest. I’m sure it tickles. I can feel you holding your
breath. The light strokes turn more aggressive as I feel
you pulling my hair. You’re getting impatient, pulling my
hair harder, pulling my head back. Your teeth are in my
neck again. I know this is going to leave a mark but I
don’t care. I want you to mark me.
My hand wraps around your cock. I can feel my hips open. I
am yours-but I don’t let you push me onto my back. Instead,
my mouth makes its way down your body. I keep my wet cunt
away from you as I use my tongue and lips on your cock. My
hand massages your balls, so tight. I know you’re
frustrated but I smile to myself, happy to have control of
the situation.
All of a sudden, I feel your hand grip my leg, hard, and
you pull me towards you. I try to struggle away, playfully
but you are serious and I submit. When you get me where you
want me you smack my ass, hard. I press into you and my
mouth closes tighter around your cock. You must have liked
that because you keep doing it. I feel myself getting
wetter and I groan into you.
Sometime during all of this you must have gone into the
bag. I feel one of my toys enter my ass gently. I know this
is the only time you’re going to be gentle. As your mouth
works on my cunt you fuck me with the toy. My ass is
stinging from the spanking you just gave me. I start to
come, I don’t know how you got on top on me but you’re
taking me from behind, your hands are in my hair. Each time
you thrust the toy pushes harder into my ass. You growl
into my ear “We’re playing my game now…”

His Response:

and now woogie twisted freaks we are
i have actually heldback on you