Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2007-11-05 20:21:02 (UTC)

ARGH!

I hate being me sometimes. I totally misread a question
and thought my job had ended. So I didn't come in today
and got a call ask where I was.

So all this comes down to me needing a real job. Currently
I'm a temp worker. It was great for the first couple years
because I got lucky and worked for the same company the
whole time.

That ended a month ago and I have a new temp job. It's not
as nice and pays less but it's a job.

This whole thing is making me wish even more that I had a
real job. I have the education I just don't know how to
sell myself.

I can't write a cover letter to save my life. All I come
up with is crap. Plus every job wants 3-5 years experience
and I don't have that. I know it's just what they're
hoping for but that's a lot more experience than I have.

So now I'm sitting at work going crazy and trying not to
cry because I feel so stupid. I hate that I screw simple
things up. If I'd just read the question right I'd know
that yes I needed to come back to work today.

It's not just today. I screw up the simple things like
buying groceries. I get the whole canned item when I
wanted the cut ones.

I assume things without checking and I turn out to be
wrong. All of this makes me feel so worthless. Then I get
all down and my husband is like it's no big deal. It
shouldn't be a big deal but it ends up being one. So he
tries to get me to not worry about it and it usually works.

I just hate feeling so worthless. I need to just apply to
lots of jobs and pray that one of them takes a chance on
me.

So I feel like a loser. I want to go home and cry in my
husbands arms. Just let it all out and try to make it
better inside.

He took a sick day today because I thought I was off. It's
not a big deal because I know he can do that with no
problems. He doesn't take very many sick days.

This is when I feel tiny. Like I'm getting a lecture from
my parents about how I screwed up. They never meant to but
they could make me feel so small and that would make me
feel bad about myself.

It only happened a few times but that feeling has stuck
with me. Currently it's trying to eat me up. I feel tiny
and stupid.

In reality it's not a big deal. My boss here didn't care.
She was cool with it. The temp company will be cool with
it. It's just me. I'm the one who's not okay with it. I'm
the one who's going crazy thinking that my few screw ups
are huge things that make me stupid.

The only thing I can really say I did wrong was not
working harder and finding a real job right after college.
I could contribute more at home. I could be making more
money so we could pay off our mortgage sooner. I'm not
pulling my weight and I feel horrible about it.

Also so many people around us are having babies. I feel
like my clock is ticking and I should be having one too
but we have no space and no money to support another
person right now. So I need a better job to move out of
our tiny house and start a family.

So it's off to searching for jobs. I'll hopefully everyone
posted if I find anything.