I hate Mondays
not to steal from garfield, but god damn mondays suck a fat
floppy donkey dick. i'm always excruciatingly tired because
i can't fall asleep on sunday night.
anyhow this morning i was treated to a crazy midget oriental
lady who kept on following me around the bus stop no matter
how hard i tried to escape her little pitter-patter steps.
of course she got onto my bus because Monday wouldn't suck
if it were otherwise.
so being the nice guy that i am i let all the women on first
(including crazy oriental midget lady). when i got on there
were two seats left, one next to the crazy midget oriental
lady and two over from her. i chose the latter.
good thing to.
apparently crazy midget oriental ladies are particular about
their space, because at the next stop where a young
professional dressed in a snazzy purple tie tried to sit
next to her she started hurling epithets at him, something
about how there was animal blood in her mouth and how it
should be 1964.
as if that wasn't enough, there was this sorority girl to my
left who was on a cell phone saying the folloiwng over and over,
"what? no what did you say, i really didn't hear you, what
did you say?"
she repeated that about 50 times and i was thinking of
ramming the cell phone down her throat.
the crazy midget oriental lady was calmly reading the
newspaper (or pretending to i couldn't really tell).
then all hell broke loose.
a few stops down this black lady gets on. she's really
sweet, you know the kind that would bake you a cake yet at
the same time give you sass...hm i don't know what i'm
talking about but i'm sure you do.
well she and the bus driver hit it off like none other so
she always sit up front to speak with him. today, however,
this proved to be a problem as the crazy midget oriental
lady was up there.
well ms. nice black lady goes to sit down in between me and
the crazy midget oriental lady who immediately starts jabbering,
"i gotsta animal bloodzz in mah mauf. it..what year, 1964?
you not even know it welfare!"
the nice black lady got enraged and yelled at her,
"i'm going to sit here!!! move your purse damn it!"
by the way it's 8:30 at this point, the sorority girl to my
left had turned to repeatedly saying,
"why did you say that? that's so mean!"
i turned to my right, the black lady was close to a dark
crimson by now,
"just stop it! okay i just wish to speak to this nice man."
the poor bus driver was trying to watch the road and defray
the possibility of a homicide on his bus.
"look ma'am, i think it's best we hold our conversation
until another day, it's been a tough ride."
"she's lucky i'm in a good mood, really!"
"i have pigs blood in mah maufh, loooka mah hands, no
welfare! 1964! what year it is?"
to the sorority girl on my left,
"how can you say that, that's so mean! no i didn't hear
you! really! what?"
so i decided to do the only thing left that could keep me
sane, i stood up in the crowded bus and offered the black
lady my seat, that way she could sit there, peace and quiet
would descend upon the bus and she could speak to the driver.
i motioned to my seat in a sliding motion.
"awh, that's really nice sweetie, but this lady has to learn
that not everything can go her way."
"she's crazy. there's nothing you can do."
she looked at me but that's all i could think of saying. i
mean what are you going to do? she wouldn't stop talking
about having animal blood in her mouth until the black lady
moved...so blissfully she did. and quiet descended once again.
until the next bus stop.
"animal blaud in mah mauf!! you not even know no what year
what it is! you not sit here!"
"why did you say that? that's so mean! no really what did
you say? i didn't hear you!"
although mondays are god awful at least they're entertaining.