Dirty Fractyl
2007-10-06 05:02:18 (UTC)

Coming to terms with adulthood

I never asked to transcend the boundary between youth &
adulthood. For that matter, I never expected to make it
this far into adulthood. But now that I have, it is not
only a very real deal that I am an adult, but a scary fact
in and of itself.

"I have rights!"..."You don't have rights! You're in jail!"

And so went the struggle. I was battling every inner demon
and held as a spectacle for many. I was making ridiculous
vows, making impossible prayers, and dreaming impossible
dreams - dreams of returning to a peaceful & golden age, an
age before I had the onset of my ridiculously destructive
and painful mental illness. At one point, I envisioned my
mother walking the dog, Andy, and meeting up with my first
love, outside the jail. As I saw this vision, there was a
beautiful rainbow and a moon that was cresting above it. I
heard a chorus of "Awwws..." and I thought that outside the
jail a beautiful moment had just taken place. The reality
is I was probably hearing voices and things that weren't
occurring at all.

It's been a long 9 years since I made my vow to try every
drug imaginable, telling "HER" that I had no intention of
straightening out my life, and HER taking the blame for it,
claiming she was the "straw that broke the camel's back."
Maybe for a period she was - and she knew that...

Time truly heals no wounds,
My faceless beauty gone,
Still haunting me,
With fractions of her song.

~me (excerpt of a poem I wrote)

I wish I could stretch my mind through the darkness that is
the present and EVOLVE into the creature that I should become.

"Rotate an X 45 degrees to form a plus and multiply by four
to find your name in the book of life."

"What is the Bible code?"

So goes the manic mind in an intellectual prayer rather than
one from the heart. Prayers to save all mankind, is God
listening? Doesn't he know "I'm in love with the world,
through the eyes of a girl..."

I remember when I was growing up, having delusions of being
able to make a huge impact in this world single handedly.
Now I feel incapacitated to do such and wish there was a way
to overcome this my own demons and impact the world in a
radical and bold way.

"Jealousy is at its core, a spiritual problem."

"SHE" is now relegated to the world of mythology. A
faceless figure I see in dreams. I can never see her as she
is, but only as she was. I can never touch her. I can
never communicate with her. She's gone, and to her, I am
dead. It's not that I don't matter; I am just dead. I'm a
haunting psychotic semblance of what I was as a person then,
and supposedly things have changed. Supposedly I have
changed. I fail to see that in reality, and see myself as
the same enchanted teenager I once was.

"I'll be a master chemist, drop my sperm count to 0.00 and
never reproduce again!"

((Visions of being abducted by grey aliens))

I guess the sad reality is we can never attain what we once
had. I'll never have the same peace of mind I had when I
was 17, when everything was perfectly aligned and my future
was shining bright before me. In the last 9 years, since
leaving home for a great college, I've spun around in
circles, finding myself in & out of mental hospitals and jails.

I never envisioned this to be my future.

In high school I was asked "Where do you see yourself in 10
years?" I responded, "Shooting up heroin in a new york
apartment, writing books that no one reads."

I'm not sure if that would be a leap forward from where I
am, or if that would look worse to the world. I mean, as it
stands, I haven't even established my own residence and
firmly planted myself in the world as a grown adult. I
cling to my childhood and to the days when all was golden.
"SHE" has accomplished a lot since those days. I have yet
to get my Bachelor's degree and have yet to ever hold a
respectable job (some borderlined with respectability).

I just want to be 17 again. I think if heaven exists, I
will just endlessly live in that bliss, saturated with
everything that was, and all the things that can never come
to be in this life.

My time isn't up on this planet, but it seems that I've done
more than enough living in these 26 years.

As I put it to someone else, "I've traversed many strange
and terrible fields, and become severed from the universe I