Grunters and call-outs
law classes are nothing if not enigmatic yet at the same
time incredibly entertaining. in two of my classes i sit
next to "grunters". grunters are people who let out the
type of grunting "snarf" that contented pigs make; not when
they're surprised but just their general "snarf" when
they're eating their slope or just standing around thinking
about whatever the fuck a pig thinks about.
the grunters grunt for two different reasons. the first
grunter is the 300 lb gorilla that sits next to me in admin
law. he's a big-time brewers fan...well probably not
anymore. he has this annoying habit of drinking about 3 20
oz. diet dr. peppers a class, always giving a satisfied
grunt after he takes a sip. these satisfied grunts always
seem to coincide with a good play made by the brewers (as he
watches them on his espn gamecast instead of you
know...taking notes). the funnier grunts are the
disapproving ones. what he does then is half-way pick up
the diet dr. pepper, shake his massive horsehead and grunt
disapprovingly. this happens whenever the brewers fuck up.
since they are perennial fuckups he let out massive grunts
as they blew their chances to the cubs.
the second grunter is this atrociously ugly girl that sits
next to me in constitutional law. she shoves herself into
these obscenely tight pants which push her ass-cheeks
together thus creating what looks like a fault-line running
up the small of her pudgy back. her face looks like the
devil threw up on it and decided not to clean it up. i
firmly believe that she was concocted in the fires of hell,
possibly in satan's belly because ugliness of her ilk is not
of this earth.
to her grunting.
she grunts whenever she agrees with our teacher...which is
always because she's a sycophantic suck-up who always vies
for "face-time" with our professor after class.
the essence of federalism is a balance of power - GRUNT
marbury v. madison established the court's power of judicial
review - GRUNT
this thing sitting here looks like a shetland pony took a
huge shit on this seat, what is it? - GRUNT
then there are the call-outs. for some reason
constitutional law lends itself to the most, possibly
becuase the people in my class are morons. this is
seriously what a girl said as we were debating on the
difference between post-structuralism textual analysis v.
objective structuralism and what the difference is between
common-meaning and objectivism.
this is what she said...verbatim,
"you see, like they're not so different, i mean like, i can
have my own personal objectivity."
i just rolled my eyes and waited for the grunt to my right.
thankfully abraham was not about to let it slide. he made
this contorted mask of a face that when i looked at him i
had to laugh.
i hate abraham. he's a socialist, an asshole and we always
tend to argue. but the face was the quintessential, "i am
NOT letting such a dumbass statement slide!"
"personal objectivity? what the hell does that even mean?
do you mean SUBJECTIVITY?"
it wasn't so much WHAT he said (although that was pretty
harsh) but the way he said it. the girl who mad the initial
gaffe had her jaw on the ground in a, "i can't believe this
knotty-headed nigga just played me like his own personal
then the bickering started. she of course tried her best to
rectify her idiocy and abe tried desperately to mitigate his
i love law school.