lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2007-09-29 08:52:23 (UTC)

humps

1:41AM Saturday morning

I've been sleeping in my living room for the last
couple of days, not because I'm afraid of my windows being
shot out but because it's something different. I wake up
many times thinking I'm somewhere else, maybe at my mothers
but then it kicks in that I'm at home, safe and gives me a
comforting feeling if that makes sense. When you work you
depend on sleep and if your like me, I can't sleep under
pressure. If I work full time it's rare that I get more
then three hours of sleep because I jam as much time away
from my occupation which is usually far apart from who I
really am and even worse if you do fall asleep and have a
terrible dream then wake up late for reasonable facts,
bosses rarely give a shit.
I don't believe that its right that I'm not working
but at the same time quilt plagues me every day. Even
though I'm under doctors orders not to work, that I'm
living in a place most people wont even drive through, let
alone park there car or in my case live here. What people
always leave out of the fact of people with mental
disabilities living without working, it costs the
government next to nothing compared to keeping them in the
hospital.

I've always been with someone, never so alone for as
long as I have and living here never used to bother me
because I would be with someone that I loved and what went
on outside wasn't part of our relationship but now things
are so different, I don't think I could handle a
girlfriend, it's hard enough having friends. I don't hide
away and sleep all day, the stigma my family has of me, I
go out of my way to make friends, for instance, yesterday I
had just enough buss fair to get to Ash's house where we
were supposed to work on a song but when I got there a
friend of his had shown up drunk and wanted to goto the
club but me and Ash didn't. He picked up some beer which I
had about three of and while Ash was trying to go through
instrumentals his friend wouldn't stop talking and was
extremely high off something that Ash predicted was meth
because he's had a lot of friends who have turned to the
drug and acted the same way he was, which is always feeling
as if they need to be the center of attention, constantly
talking and thinking there is something wrong with
them.
He kept saying that all he wants to do is mimic other
artists to make money and that's the exact opposite of what
me and Ash are about. His friend wouldn't stop and Ash had
to actually tell him to leave.

I'm not saying that I want a girlfriend, people
confuse me probably the same way I confuse them. I know my
depression is probably at the highest peak its ever been.
If I had a girlfriend I'd be a wreck, hiding how sad I
really am would come out of me more often and how these
pills stop me from doing something stupid, going through
bad psychosis like I did a while ago that all feels like a
bad dream. I couldn't imagine someone watching me have to
go through that. Going from hearing and seeing things that
I know aren't real but having no way to come back to
reality, the most positive thing I do is probably writing
in here and almost every entry dwells on my sadness but it
helps to let some of it out.

Working for my brother really stressed me out and made
me vulnerable, hiding how some days I was so ill but didn't
want to let him down more then the money. I actually cared
less about the money, like I honestly told him is that I
would rather work without being paid anything if I was
going to constantly get in trouble for doing things wrong
for the first time, having his coworkers say that I've been
working to slow and so on.

One of his great quotes were

'Remember this fact that when you get a job, as if I never
had one before, I've had more jobs then him, you have to do
everything your employer wants you to do and your opinion
means nothing, if your told to do something your expected
to learn it once, there is nothing such as getting used to
doing things, you are expected to listen closely and learn
once so that you don't have to be taught over and over
again.'

I said

'I've worked more jobs then you and have never had an
employer expect me to remember everything the first time
without asking questions and have always been trained and
what your doing is not training me, someone quit and you
expect me to be her re-incarnation and already mastered
what you taught her.'

I don't know if I'm wrong or right and don't think
that he even listened to me because now that I came out in
the open that I have a disorder, what I say to my family
members and some friends mean less.

I need some junk food so into the jungle I go.

lee

chips and dip sounds good

He's helping me find a new apartment but said I was
flaunting the beer to this gang when I was trying to hide
it. I really wanted to sleep at my mothers tonite but
she's dillusional and thinks there's something between her
legs. She was going to go shopping while having dillusions
and I try so hard to stress to her that she can't just go
by herself at night and that it's a dangerous area. I
realize that she had three strokes and relapses, that she
might feel protected by god but I need her the same way she
needs me and to have her be a victom of crime could easily
end her life or put her back in the hospital. She's lucky
she's living out of the hospital now but I think that's
because I'm the only one who she tells about these things
she see's and hears and can't imagine how hard it must be
to be her hiding those and she still battles to live.

Every night I sleep with a wooden cross she gave me
and prey mostly for her and about 10 others hopeing one day
we all get over the humps were traveling on...




Ad: