J-Bunny

My Life (yawn)
2007-09-22 14:15:57 (UTC)

nonsense

The messiah's b-day is tomorrow and its a big one. I'm
proud of myself that I haven't planned a party, gotten him
a gift, or a card for that matter and I have no intentions
of getting him a cake or properly acknowleding it. Who do
I sound like now? I just re-read my entry from after my b-
day where it was stupid. Absolutly didn't make me feel
special so fuck him. He makes himself feel special every
blessed day so I'm sure he'll have enough for himself
tomorrow. Lets not forget he's chosen to spend this entire
weekend golfing with buddies. Which is nice but don't tell
me you're going to call me and want me to come down to the
clubhouse to meet you for drinks when you have NO
INTENTION. Ah, I take that back. You did call, leaving a
drunk message that you love me...blah blah bullshit
blah....and you'll be home "soon" per my cell message
however when I got home, soon translates into 1 or 1 1/2
hrs. which actually was 2 hrs. Then he had the audacity to
want to go out afterwards. We live lame lives, we never go
out. He just left for the day. The poor thing will be
annoyed when he realizes I'm a) not picking up a goddamn
thing today b) not food shopping and there's nothing here
to eat! c) just plain ole doing nothing around here.
The sessions w/SW have helped. They are intense and that
bothers me sometimes. Though it has helped getting me to
think about me. I'm still annoyed with myself that I
still "fight" the fact that I'm not with someone that I
deserve. That I keep thinking things will change and they
won't. Its all about him and I'm a sidebar. I've been
going back to the gym and that has helped for sure. Its
gotten me thinking about me. I just cannot hide my
disappointment from him. It was almost disgust last night.
Its still about control with him. When in fucks name will
I get it? I spend so much time alone.




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