Tipper

Waka Waka Waka
2007-09-18 10:16:59 (UTC)

Tues morning

I should write more in my diary but I really do feel that
my life is VERY boring. Work is starting to slow down and
I'm happy that I'm not putting in the hours that I was for
the last 4-6 months but it sure hits the paycheck pretty
hard. Losing time and a half sure hurts at the end of the
week, I'm down to 45 hours a week and when I open my check
and look at it I think "what the hell am I suppose to do
with THAT??!!!"

Summer is coming to an end and I am currently starting
to "winterize" my barn-----let me refraze that---I have
everything ready but no energy to go out and start the
project that I need to do. My oldest went through a
terrible head cold and for the last 2 days I have gotten it
and feel like crap!!! He took all the cold medicine that I
had in the house and I am stuck holding off buying any for
me until payday (sucks being poor!!) my head feel's like
it weighs 1,000 tons. Soccer is almost done for my
youngest and between doing that and golfing with him we
seem to be going every night. This golfing thing is
starting to get a little expensive going as much as he
wants to but I have a hard time telling him "no". I am my
own enemy when it comes to money and my kids, my friends
always tell me that I never do anything for myself and give
my kids to much, but they stay young for so little time and
the world is a cruel place that I want them to have
the "barbie" childhood that I did. I turned out O.K. I'm
hard working and dedicated, yes, it was a slap in my face
to meet the real world but I survived and accomplished alot
in my life and I trust that they will also. Hmmmm, let me
re-say that----- my oldest is a male version of me---he has
my anger, my sense of humor, school is very easy for him
and he excells in his grades with very little effort (just
like I did). He goes to school full time as a Junior and
still puts in 35 hours a week at work, he pays me for his
car insureance, gives me money to put into his savings and
has offered to help me with the household bills (which I
would never take!) He is so handsome and has had many gf
but like me---never seems to be able to settle with
anyone. He has known for the last 2 years what he wants to
go to college for and is doing his best to get all the
experience in before he leaaves for college. My youngest is
my cuddle bug, he is all the innocence that I wish I still
had---like me at that age, he has no idea what the real
world is all about and I worry about him. My oldest and I
are leaders, my youngest is a follower :( he is kind,
gentle and everyone who meets him just coo's all over him.
He is a wonderful, fun loving child who can look at the
clouds and still see the wonder in it. I always say that
the circus song plays in his head 24-7. He is so STRONG!!!
He excels in all sports that he plays in and is sought
after in 3 out of 4 sports that he is in, he makes sports
look easy and he really does enjoy pushing his body to it's
limit. I have a couple of friends with kids the same age
and we get together often and they always compliment on the
shape of his muscles and body shape when the kids go around
shirtless and that their own sporty kids don't have the
muscle tone that mine does. He has no idea what he wants
to be and truly does believe that I have a money tree
growing somewhere and that I can buy him every little thing
that crosses his mine (we have been fighting because he
wants to start racing motorbikes and ATV's and doesn't
understand why I can't go out and buy him one of each) My
friends always tease me that he is never going to move out
of my house, but that is O.K. with me :) I would love for
my boys to live with me forever and ever :)

I'm glad that me and XH had our talk and that we have
become somewhat friends---not that we call to talk
everyday, but at least we are not flipping each other off
when we see each other. It feels good, it feels like a
final chapter has been finalized in a book---it's hard to
explain---it feels really, really, good to finally let go
of what little anger I had left in my soul. I still would
like to ask him the one question that burns in my head, but
I probably don't want to hear the answer. I just feel at
peace that hopefully the mud sligging between the two of us
can come to an end. My SD has been coming over alot lately
and has started writing me notes and sending them home with
my youngest----I love her so much but I want her to lean on
her mother and dad's GF and not me---it is not fair to the
GF who really does seem like a good person who treats SD
very well. I have never been in this kind of situation and
I'm not sure what is the best for step kids.

Well should get going to work, I will write more later
today, I have alot on my mind lately. :)




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