Cosmic Rain
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2007-09-16 08:02:21 (UTC)

some days

some days I feel like giving up. not so much giving up,
but giving in to what is happening. allowing myself a day
to say fuck it i don't care leave me alone. i just want a
break. but how can one break from something they have to
live everyday? it will be there waiting regardless of how
long I choose to ignore it or remain oblivious to it. some
days reality hits and i remember i have at least 5-10
years before the word "remission" even factors in my life.
i try and dig into every ounce of positive I have within
myself. does the well ever dry up? there are people i want
to talk to sometimes. cancer scares are meant to bring
people closer. are meant to scare reality into your bones
that you aren't always in control of what goes on. shit
like this happens and can take you away anytime it wants
to. yes you fight for live. you fight to live, because
that's the nature of the beast. i'm too young to die i
always think to myself as i lay on the radiation table.
why am i here? that's right you fool you have CANCER! so i
think about people from the past. i think about how
sometimes we only get one chance to make things right.
because it might never come again. but i think about all
the first moves i made and maybe sometimes people don't
want to have anything to do with it.

i worry about this second condition in my left breast. yes
it's just a cord supposedly. but doesn't stop me thinking
i have secondary cancer and my fight for life will be
tested yet again. cancer has tested me. it's made me
realise i can hit it head on. that as easy and tolerant i
am of people and allow myself sometimes to be walked on i
wont let cancer do that. it was never a friend that i may
have lost, but still always loved. it's an ememy. an
interesting enemy. a fascinating one to say the least. but
an enemy just the same.

right now though i feel i can't escape. i feel a little
trapped. i feel i am not allowing myself to stop. i am
distracting myself with life and work. i haven't taken any
real time off. i had major surgery and was back at work
within a few days. i didn't allow myself time. i worry
time wont wait for me and will come take me without my
permission. my body will give in and not allow me to do as
i please. it will tell me in no uncertain terms i need to
stop. stop kidding myself that cancer isn't serious. well
i do know it's serious. every time i see my onco. every
day at radiation. every month when the needle in the butt
continues to shut down my ovaries. every hot flush that
keeps me awake every night and takes away my sleep. every
time i remember that i am only 31, but now i'm in
menopause. it's serious. it's deadly serious. but actually
stop kidding myself that if i want to win this battle i
have to allow myself time out.

i'm going to go and make myself the most cripiest,
yummiest oven roasted spuds i've ever made.