Soul Flares
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2007-09-06 20:57:56 (UTC)

Heart Broken; again

I don't get it. He picked the worst possible time to break
up with me. I mean REALLY! Come on I'm having his baby!
Then....6 months in he says; we're just not working out as a
couple. Lets try again later; we just can't be together now.

Then when we try to hang out as just friends...and we're
watching a movie...his hand wanders between my legs...his
other on my chest...then he came over and we had
sex...kissed cuddled. What about our relationship is to
complicated? If he can still do that to me...

I'm not complaining; I mean this pregnancy has kind of
increased my sexual drive. the thing that bothers me
is...well that I want sex to be for love...be part of love.
He doesn't even know if he still loves me, so how can we
still do this? Is it really all pure lust and nothing else?

My heart has more than that for him. My heart loves him, no
matter how many times he hurts me; I love him. How do I know
if it's true love though? How can I be sure this love I feel
is real? When it seems like we aren't meant to be because he
left me again, how can I be in love with him? How can I feel
as though he is my one true love?

How do I know? I feel in my heart that he is the one. My
brain screams that he can't be. My one can't be a guy who
breaks up with me when I'm carrying his child; even if he
does plan on still trying to help raise her. How can I be
meant to be with someone who does this? Why would God do that?

Why would he push me when he KNOWS I'm already depressed?
Already knows that I'm just one push away from downing a
bottle of pills and sleeping forever. the only reason I'm
still alive right now...though all this pain, is because I
can't end my life as long as my daughter needs my body alive
to survive. Once she's born though...well I make no promises.