Underdogs and Tidal Waves

Southside of Mellow
2007-08-29 19:47:27 (UTC)

23

"I felt for sure last night
At once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
Im still driving away
And Im sorry every day
I wont always love these selfish things
I wont always live...
Stop it..."

It's strange, when I look back, saying a multitude of
goodbyes, the only person that I truly miss the one person I
never said goodbye to.

"It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you"

I recount everything and I wonder if this year I had made a
mistake. I didn't know if I was toiling around because I was
bored but maybe at some point down the line, I cared. I
couldn't give him the space of my heart because that had
been taken a long time ago, but I gave him my loyalty, the
loyalty I never gave to neither my boyfriend or my best friend.
Most of my high school memories both good and bad revolve
around him. We've been through our ups and downs these last
few years, but in the end, that was when I realized he's
always been there, he's always been a part of my life in
some form whether it was hated or adored. This is so fucking
stupid and pointless. What do I hope to resolve in a
long-distance call? An apology for dodging, for never saying
goodbye, to resolve the queasiness that beset us these last
few years, to drag out the things we were never able to say.
I'd killed his heart many times before. I got scared these
last few months and didn't want to do it again.
He was the only one who knew of the most important things of
my life that I didn't even share with whom people percieved
to be the closest to me.
He knew about the novel, about being disposed here for
another year.
It was him who dragged my hand to the art school booths
during college fairs. It was him who saved me when I had to
dodge people because I was under suspicion. He was at my
side when my relationships were crumbling apart.
He was always the one who was there and I smashed his heart
every time without hesitation. This last time, I couldn't do
it. I didn't have it left in me anymore.

"Amazing still it seems
Ill be 23
I wont always love what Ill never have
I wont always live in my regrets"




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