The Clothes Make The Man
there are some people who create controversies and then
there are those who controversy finds (wherever they may be
hiding), pulls them out of their corner and directly plunges
them into a chaotic situation which they had, heretofore,
not in anyway percipitated towards.
i am one of the latter. no matter how hard i try, awkward
occurences seem to find me out, pull me from my leisurely
way of life and embroil me in situations which could make
for some good news stories.
this latest bit of controversy came on the coat tails (so to
speak) of my buying a suit. after my career lady told me
that i needed a suit and not a blazer for law firm
interviews, i faced the inevitable fact that i would have to
blow $300 for a suit. well as luck would have it, i found
the perfect suit. really suits are like soulmates. once
you find them, you'd be dumb to give it up because there are
just some out there that are so uniquely tailored to you
that they only come around once in a blue moon (especially
at the steal of a price of $300).
so i went back to the clothing store where this suit was, in
spite of my self i felt a nervous twinge of anxiety, "what
if they don't have it? what if it was sold?" unbeknownst
to me i had been wringing my hands as i stepped up and saw
my reflection in the glossy, glassy doors leading into the
men's formal wear store.
i went in and sought around for anyone, absolutely anyone
who could possibly lead me to my beautiful, one and only,
charcoal suit which fit my body like a glove. i was not
dissapointed. within .05 seconds of my entering the store a
sunny face with a pencil thin mustache peeked around an
aisles of men's ties and fawned at me in that weird overly
courteous manner that you find only at expensive clothing
"heeeeeeello. how are you young gentleman? how may i help
i greedily directed him exactly to the point where the suit
hung, basically pushing him along as he tried to steer me
towards some more expensive suits,
"no no, i know exactly which one i want, it's over here."
"i see the young gentleman, uh, what was your name again?"
"i see that you, nick," with the utterance of my name he let
his right hand drop to his side palm open in a somewhat
effiminate gesture, "know exactly what you," at this 'you'
he quickly spiralled the previously dropped hand and pointed
it towards me, "want."
i practially tore the suit down and put it on.
"oh it looks marvelous on you!"
it certainly did. and as i stood there about to have sex
with myself in the men's clothing store i felt a great bit
of guilt. the man who had helped me yesterday. what was
his damn name? oh! i had told him that i would definitely
have HIM (and not another) help me get this suit today.
i quickly whirled around.
"do you know the guy who works here..." i paused trying
really hard to remember his name, "he's about this tall, and
has a goatee?"
the guy made a theatrical gesture and clasped his hand
underneath his chin and curled his pointer finger around his
chin so as to indicate that he was in great thought.
"do you have a name?" he raised his right eyebrow, "a card
"no unfortunately i have neither." i mean christ, how many
guys with a goatee about yeah-high work here? i thought.
well the guy seemed in no mood to help me find him.
"well, i'm not sure whom you're speaking of, but let's get
this tailored." and with a brush of his hand he ushered me
towards the changing area obviously wishing to change teh
subject and break off any relationship i had with the former
so as i stood there once again dreaming about myself and how
st. petere would let me just pass through the pearly gates
without a question if i arrived in this suit i heard a very
dry and sarcastic hello,
"hello." it was curt and pert. "i see you found the suit."
it seemed as if former employee's mouth was so dry that his
tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and the 'T' in suit
stuck on his palate longer than it should have making a
clicking noise as he released the syllable.
i didn't have to turn as i had 3 mirrors (one in front and
two on the side) with which i could see the animosity in his
"Frederick...I helped this gentleman yesterday, I believe he
asked about me?"
now this really pissed me off, what was he accusing me? it
just struck me as fucking offensive, but before i could even
reply i heard from Frederick,
"no, Nicolas...he did not. he did not know your name, he
vaguely described you."
"i asked for a man with a goatee about his size."
Fred glared at me. Nic glared at Fred. I stared straight
ahead and tried my best to glare at both which was proving
quite difficult as i had about a thousand reflections to
"Frederick, may i see you for a moment?"
and the two of them disappeared about 5 feet away just
around the corner and i could hear them hissing at each
other like angry cats.
they both came back in less than a minute. BOTH. i really
wanted this suit,or else i would have just left by now.
they were staring at each other and were at the point at
whcih they were pawing the carpeted floor and about a few
seconds away from pissing on my leg to claim me.
i felt like a female rhinoceros with two male rhinoceri
debating on who was about ot fuck me with their commission.
and then it got eerie, they just stood and stared at each
other, neither backing down and with me, one pant legged
cuffed up, the other drooping, staring at them slack-jawed
through three mirrors.
"This is ridiculous!" and Nicolas whirled around and
practically ran like a little bitch to the front of the store.
"Really, this is just childish, i swear, so, so, so,
ASININE!" and with this Frederick whirled his head after the
but Nicolas had not fled, no, instead he had brought the
greatest arbitrator of them all...the store manager. the
store manager was a portly man who looked like he had just
rolled out of bed. his glass eyes flitted between the two
prima donnas and finally at me.
he crooked his finger at both and said,
they once again returned to what was apparently their locker
room for another pep talk.
all three came back.
"sir..." the store manager started in a strained, weary, and
apologetic tone, "did this man," and with this he thumbed at
nicolas, "help you yesterday?"
the store manager bowed his head down, clasped his hands
together and looked up at frederick.
"but i did all of the tailoring today!"
leapt out of frederick's mouth. at this a very strange
thing started to happen. the store manager started to
shake, almost impereptible, but i noticed it ever so slightly.
"finish...the...tailoring." he said sounding almost like
he looked up at me.
"would you like a discount?"
"fine, because neither of these guys is getting a commission
today...in fact, get out of here both of you! i'll finish this."
and the guy tailored my pants and wined and dined me almost
to the edge of the curb as i left the store.
"and once again, i am SO sorry for this whole," at this he
twirled his hand, "flap...i assure you it will NEVER happen
and with this he smiled a sugar sweet smile, then abruptly
turned on his heels and strode back into the store, about to
deliver the rapture to the two gentlemen.