Goodnight, Starlight.

Ad 0:
2007-08-14 21:59:29 (UTC)

August 14th 07

it's been a few months since i've updated, but it was
worth it because it's given me time together much much

between may and june nothing really excited happened that
is worth mentioning, but i did land in london on June 26th
which i was stoked about. liam, claire and mac met me at
the airport and then we left and it was about a 2 and a
half car journy home.

the whole point of me going over there was to surprise
paul, and... i thought that it was a surprise until the
very last day. he told me that he had known about my trip
a few weeks before i even left. i was so disappointed. so
much effort put into surprising him and it didnt even
work. liam had to tell claire that i was going because she
was dating paul again and we felt that she should know
about my arrival. guess she got a little wobbly over it
and had a breakdown and told paul about it. he kept it
from me, just so i could experience the feeling of
surprising him, just like he did with me when he came 2
years ago. i knew there was something going on. everything
just seemed to fit together too well. he had a lot of time
off work which was so good.

him and his girlfriend broke up the day i arrived coz i
guess he was pretty much choosing me over her, or
whatever. and as soon as i saw him, i fell for him all
over again.

things gradually started to become what they always turn
into. at first i was a little iffy about it because of him
and claire just ending it, but then i spent more time with
him and i just couldnt really resist anymore.

i get these weird feelings, like.. before i go there i
KNOW i will end up falling for him, then i do, then i come
home and the feelings are still there, and he is always
who i want to talk too, and think of... but then a few
weeks later its just like they die down. and ive gotten to
that point now. when i first got home it was hard for me
because we had gotten so close, so i cried a lot. but its
just kind of.. slipping away now. he says to me he doesn't
want anything to happen when he comes to visit (which in
iin less than 2 weeks!) because it makes everything
harder. i don't necessarily find that true because either
way, saying goodbye is hard. no matter if you've had sex
or not have sex, its going to be hard. i woul djust
ratehr make the best of our situation and be as close as
wel can if we both want it. seeing as though we dnt ever
get to see eachother i just feel that if we both like
eachother so much then just go for it. but i dont know. i
cant force it on him.
being so close to him felt so good, hes just such a
genuine guy. it just felt real. like something ive never
felt with anyone, not even simon. and when you think about
it, its so weird that you can have that connection with
people that live so far away from you.

one thing im not excited about is how im going to be when
he leaves. it will be when school is just starting and ill
be a wobbling piece of sad shite. just repeating the phase
im just starting to get over right now. and its gonna nip
me in the butt again. fantastic!

anyway, not much else to patch up on.

PCE =)

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