Jessica Smith

Behind the Mask...
2007-08-07 04:20:12 (UTC)

Not what I thought

Well I didnt even make it a whole day before I caved...
not a good thing considering that I just started so I
decided to start over. So With that today was my new first
day on my fast. It think that it went really well. I know
that it is not going to be an easy task considering the
fact that today at work we had a lot of really good food
and I would have loved to have some of it. But I was
determined. Juice and water only. Ice when I am hungry.
Well the ice thing worked today anyway. I hope I can keep
it up through the week with out many temptations. I hope
that this does what I want it to... to cleanse my body
out. I think part of being successful is making sure that
I had juice whenever I was thirsty or "hungry" at work
because I drank a lot to keep me from being bad. have to
remember to stay away from smoothies though because those
have fat milk in them. I am not doing just liquids... it
is strictly juice or water. I think that I am going to cut
out fat from my diet for the time being and then after I
come back to normal stuff i will add a little. Well
clearly because I am planning on having chicken broth as a
way to work my way back then it will be soup.... no beef
though... purely chicken although I should try vegetable
broth and see how that tastes then I can really cut meat
out. I really dont like meat so much any more mostly
because I think of the live animal it once was. I mean
think of it animals really aren't different from people...
they are born... they grow and mature, and they have
bonding between their families or what ever they are
called. I just wish that there were more vegetables that I
liked. But so far I only tolerate corn, carrots or peas.
And i really have to be in the mood for those. Oh jeez why
am I thinking about food it hasnt even been 24 hrs.

Okay different topic... Today I was supposed to meet with
one of my therapists... it was a rescheduled appt so I
thought it was possible that I made an error when I wrote
the time down. Anyway I got to Ripon today and I sat down
and waited like I always do I waited for five minutes and
she wasnt coming I went to the desk to ask but there was
no one there. So I sat down again and I waited another 10
minutes until someone came back to the receptionist desk
then I went up again and I asked. I think there was a
miscommunication between us or something... When I
rescheduled I just assumed that it was in Ripon since I
have no idea where I would be going in Fon du Lac... I was
kind of looking forward to talking to her but such is life
I guess. So mostly I was feeling let down today because of
that. I guess it just gives me time to redo those
assignments that she gave me that I am not too crazy about
doing in the first place. At least I get to talk to my
other therapist on thursday. Watch now I will get a phone
call or something or I will go there and I wont be able to
talk to her. Wouldnt that just be my luck?? Now that I
have gotten over being let down I dont know how I feel. I
am not happy... sad... angry... disappointed... or
anything... I am just here. I kind of hate that. Just
plain existing... I wonder if thats because I want to make
a difference somehow and I feel like I cant do that if I
just exist... I have to be feeling to help make a
difference I cant be numb. Now tomorrow I dont have any
appointments so I dont know what I will do with myself.
Pam will probably want to go out... but I dont want to
because that would make it harder to focus on my fast and
plus I dont want to explain that to her. I know what I
should be drinking. Green tea that has all kinds of
antioxidants in it to cleanse the body. There I go again I
really need to go to sleep before food consumes me since I
am not consuming it. Kind of corny but oh well my diary...
i can be corny if I want. I guess thats all for now since
i have to be to work in five hours.

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