lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2007-08-04 10:03:59 (UTC)

hang on

4:47AM Saturday morning

I feel like I'm crashing and haven't felt the urge to
cry in quite some time, I've even tried a few nights ago
because as weird as it seems, crying helps me sleep. I
can't remember when it was until now but I paid Pab back
early in the morning, getting there before he woke up and
Mary was up all night washing clothing. I ended up buying
twenty pain killers, the same I'm on and when I left, him
and her fought which makes me feel like shit because there
like family to me and to know that there fighting over
something like that when both me and Mary have fractures in
our spines, he always buys her pills and for months at a
time I would go get her beer like a slave without asking
for anything.
I'm not stupid, I know he gets his pills for next to
nothing and charges me three times what he gets them for so
he can afford her pills. I do it because one, I'm in
constant pain because when I jumped off my building I
landed on my back that was already fucked up by working as
a grocery stalker and two, I know that he makes money off
of me and it helps there family, no matter how high his
list gets, I've paid it well over. I'm not mad at him but
feel stupid because I asked Mary if she had any because I
didn't have any money on the same day Pab had told her that
he gave me 40 which he didn't. Yesterday morning I did get
some off Pab but it was 30 and I paid cash...CASHHHHHH

The same cash that buys her pills. Without me, she
wouldn't get her pills, I don't mind helping them out but
to keep looking at a list that's inaccurate if he actually
charged me anywhere near what he gets them for and how many
I've given her when I get mine, there's a point where I
have to think to myself, maybe they really are blind to the
truth. How could she forget me taking care of her when she
get's drunk for months at a time, when she showed up here
high off crack asking me if I would smoke some with her
that I never told anyone about. Making sure knowone ripped
Pab off when he was sick and constantly helping them by
going to the store when they have legs of there own plus
three healthy daughters, one that's more then old enough to
walk alone.

I've always treating them with respect that I think
they should do the same to me, fuck that list. When it
gets to that point in the month when I get my medication
it's proof that without me, Pab wouldn't be able to afford
Mary's pills who says she's in pain and I believe her but
at the same time she doesn't go to a doctor so it cant be
that bad. I see my doctor regularly because of my back
pain and the only reason why someone wouldn't go to the
doctors for there pain is if it weren't that bad. It
really makes me upset that Mary would give Pab shit for
selling me pills rather then giving them to her when she's
not even prescribed them and pops them like candy to get
high.

Whenever they tell me that they were worried about me
or look at me as family I wanna rip that list off the wall
and throw it out the same way they did there cats when they
should have gave them to the Humane Society like I did.
You cant just take an indoor cat and throw it blocks away
so they'll never be able to find there way home.

That's my rant about there fight over me when Pab
phoned my mother and told me that he forgot about the
thirty and that I gave him twenty, owing him ten plus
giving him twenty-eight I owed him from the day before. I
love Mary but she can get out of control when it comes to
drinking or taking pills. She constantly takes Pab's
prescribed pills that he has to take to his doctors and
somehow explain where the pills went. Mary took a whole
bottle of Clonazapam in a day and most of a new type of
pain killer similar to T3's, mixed with codine. His new
doctor is most likely checking to see if he's over taking
his medication and might get cut of totally if it keeps
happening.

My mother has been suffering extremely bad delusions,
hallucinations or mania, whatever you want to call it. I
don't know what to do, it was while I was there, trying to
calm her down so neighbors didn't complain that Pab phoned
and I asked him to please say sorry to Mary for me, if I
would have known that it would have started an argument I
wouldn't have taken any. I thought by now she knew me good
enough that I wouldn't take anything that she needed and
from now on I'm never asking her for anything if she's
going to argue with Pab because he treats her so well, buys
her whatever she wants, gets her hair done whenever she
wants, buys her pills that make her ill, she couldn't even
figure out how to spell the word, 'shoppers', on the phone
because she was high. When she gets real drunk she hits
him and he takes it because he doesn't want to loose his
kids. I hope that he does appologize for me he
said, 'don't worry about it', but I do worry, there isn't
too many people in my life right now and I would hate to
loose another.

lee




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