Lunactic Scriptures
2007-07-26 19:06:19 (UTC)

Metamorphasus / Iron Fist

Everytime I come back on here after month's of neglect, I
always mention "Wowwie! Sure has been a while! Yup! OK, me
got nothing to say. Toodles."
yea, fuck that. I'm not going to do that anymore. So yup.
Toodles to me doing that anymore.

Anyway, it HAS been a while, but I got some stuff to say.
I am WAY better off now than I was a long time ago. Not
going to bother with all this shit I was going through
because I've allready written it all down. Wanna go look?
Have at it, but my past is not coming back up into this
page today unless it is relavent [i'm a sucky speller.]

So now I'm working at the WaMu Center in downtown Seattle
as the garage officer. Besides the heat of the place down
underground, I feel slightly at home. Still, I'm always
anxious to get out as soon as my time is up. But it is
definetly not like T-Mobile. GOD that sucked!

Jasin is changing so much for the better it's incredible.
I'm happy for him and wish him nothing more than more
gladness that is coming his way because Lord knows that
Jasin and I came down to California kind of on differnt
boats, but still riding down the same river of
unpleasentness. Good job homie. I'm proud and happy for

I told Jasin that 2007 was going to be our year when we
moved into our new house. So far, It has not dissapointed.
This really is going to be a fucking launching pad for us.
Allready changes have occured for the better and I feel
myself a little less shit-stained upon my self. [I'm not
shining yet, but some much needed hunks of grime have slid
I lost my virginity. It was...ok. Not the heat filled
emotional passion where two souls intertwine and
everything I keep hearing/seeing/reading about. The
foreplay was actually the most enjoyable part. But that
part of me is gone now forever, and yet I both feel and
don't feel much of a difference. Ambivilance? I think
that's the word. 2 or more seperate emotions at the same
time. For me it's: Nothing-Something-Nothing. Hard to
explain, but there it is. I'm guessing it's the feeling
one has when they win the Silver medal. A sense of
accomplishment and completion, but still...you didn't get
that gold you were shooting for. I still don't, but Jasin

Holly came around about 2 or 3 weeks ago after Jasin met
her online. As soon as I saw her I knew she and J would be
a great match. I could just picture them together and it
just seemed like a good fit. Sure enough, I keep hearing
from Jasin is "I think i love this woman."
But there is a somewhat hidden dilema. Holly and I have
talked a couple times and...I dunno. Not even sure if I
know what's there. One time I think it's there, then I see
them making out and all I can think about is, "yea... They
are the ones meant to be together. Not for me. Not yet.
Just stay on the sidelines like you know how to do since
you're always there."
Am I even attracted to her? Is it only because she relates
to me emotionally and for some reason thinks I'm cute?
YEA! She thinks I'm cute. Go figure. This heap of a mess
has defended that insult as best as it can, but...hearing
that is doing it's damage.
If there was a type of girl I'd be attracted to it's
Brittany (Kyles girlfriend.) She really is everything I
look for. She short, cute, her figure is perfect, A
JUGGALETTE! [I just found that out and it gave her SO many
big points to her in my book], she seems cool as hell and
willing to do anything for her man. But why is it that I
feel nothing for her? Probably because she's so madly deep
into Kyle the lucky bastard. I don't know. Even if
Brittany were to say something to me or if she was
single...there is something there that says, "no. You
would not work out. Try somebody else." Brittany is the
girl I write down on paper of what I want, but Holly is
the girl that I think about at work. Holly is the one I
imagine me cuddlying up to. Why?! WHY??? Cause she showed
interest in me?! That can't be it. There has to be
SOMETHING there that makes me have some sort of drive to
her. But I don't know what it is! _ Good God what a
mess...All I can do is wish Jasin and her the best of luck
because they both deserve love and happiness and I guess I
can see her being happier with him than with me. I might
be more emotionally in tune with myself and willing to
share my feelings for someone, but really when I think
about it, When I see her and Jasin together...It just
seems right.
She talks about marriage and kids. I want that too...but
I'm not sure if we're the right fit for it. Shit look at
how crazy this all is. I'm not even WITH her, and I think
about how marriage would be. I'd hate to say it, but I
don't think it would work that well. Are we shared souls
of the same nature? Maybe. Soul-mates? Don't think so. So
why was I more willing to marry Jessica before when it
looked like it would never even work? Is that it? Do I go
for what I know would not work? Am I so inclined to set
myself up for a tremendous downfall that I blind myself so
far that I could not see myself happy with someone like a
I don't think I am the perfect fit for Holly, and I don't
think she is the perfect fit for me. But something fits.
Something definetly does...Who knows...We'll see...

I'm planning on returning to college. Maybe even Central
again. The Juggalo power strives me to shoot for my goals
no matter what. It's what it taught me and I'd be a
fucking fool for not taking it. So am I willing to have to
put up with the fucking bullshit that is CWU in order to
accell and reach my goals? Shit even my goals are wrapped
up in a fog of dreams and uncertainty.

God...What a confusing and trecharous road I am taking.
But I know it's for the greater good in me. Time to live
free. Time to die. Time to reach for my goals and grab
them with an Iron Fist.