The Common Area, Women's Bathroom, and Hell
if life were a journey in a car, i would currently be
driving a ford tempo down 95 at 110 mph with no windshield
and no brakes. once in a while though, i try to pull over
at a rest area and take a breather.
normally this rest area translates into these immensely
comfortable wooden bench next to this gurgling waterfall
across from a beautifully manicured lawn, directly vis a vis
a glorious condominium complex.
well as i was lying there in that completely relaxing state
of semi-slumber i dark shadow loomed over my face, blocking
the very rays of sunlight i was so desperately trying to
"excussssssse me sssssir," this very pleasant yet at the
same time gruff voice caste upon me.
i shaded my eyes and stared directly into the eyes of a guy
who looked like he used a bottle of hair mousse a day, but
who never seemed to have thought about getting braces (as a
huge gap in between his teeth tended to make his 'Ss' whistle).
"yeah?" i sat up right and felt the blood rush from my head
creating that temporary dizzyness and complete
disorientation. as i tried to focus on the moussey gap
toothed voice again.
"are you a member of thissssssss condominium?"
"a member? like do i own a condominium unit?"
he seemed really annoyed by what i had said, and did that
thing where he tried to show how i was already taking up
more time than i was worth by holding his left wrist across
his body with his right hand and gradually leaning back.
"yesssssss, ssssssssir." what should have been a curt reply
turned into quite a humorous half bird-like chirp.
he was getting more annoyed by this as well.
"how many units are in the condominium?"
he was caught off guard and stuttered,
"ummm, eh 107?"
"well whose 1/107th portion am i occupying?"
i felt like i had achieved greatness (although the actual
percentage is based on square footage because it all depends
on assessment as common area is owned in its
entirety...sorry regulatory real estate).
a shallow and hollow win.
so then i was walking to the bathroom the other day chatting
with sarah and she was asking me,
"how come the women's bathroom is always locked but the
men's isn't? why does the women's bathroom have to be
locked at all times?"
"so that creepy guys don't get into the bathroom and wait
for you, locking the door behind you and doing god knows what."
she stared at me with wide eyes as this was clearly not
something she had contemplated.
"oh my god, really?"
"trust me. really."
so there i was late in the evening about to leave to meet
juli for dinner when kris (over whom i wrote a prior journal
entry about how a janitor scared her shitless) came running
towards me. she stared at me wide-eyed.
"there's a guy by the women's bahtroom."
"there's some guy just staring there, i just made it back."
she was panting like a leopard had charged after her.
"i'm so freaked out."
she stopped stared down at her shoes then looked at me,
"i really gotta go can you come with me?"
"into the bathroom?"
"no no! just with me to the door, just in case."
so i felt really awkward what a creepy and weird situation.
you see the restrooms are set up so that the men's &
women's doors face each other with this tiny foyer with a
water fountain, it would hardly be possible to hang out in
the foyer without getting nailed by one of the opening doors.
but sure enough. i got there and there was this dude
standing there and let me tell you. if there was one dude i
could see stalking a woman into the bathroom to do god knows
what this guy would be the perfect sketch.
he had a t-shirt on which barely fit over his already
expanding gut with ragged jeans on. he was just standing there.
i can't even describe how creepy this is. the hallway (or
ANY PLACE BUT THE FOYER) is HUGE. this guy could stand
ANYWHERE and not be so creepy. seriously, two steps down
the hall, noone would think he's creepy. but no. he's
right in between the two fucking doors.
his eyes were two narrow slits and his teeth looked like he
had chipmunk in his bloodline.
so this was fucking awkward, there i was standing with kris
who waited for me to engage the man in conversation...did he
not get how weird he was?
"um, you wanna go now?"
"yeah..." she looked at me with a 'you better fucking be
here while i'm in there'.
"umm, i gotta make a call so i'll just wait for you here."
with this she rocketed into the bathroom.
the guy stood there and stared me down.
"i wasn't gonna do nothing."
"i'm waiting for a cell phone call, christ."
i didn't reply, i mean what do i even say? WAIT SOMEWHERE
LESS CREEPY YOU STUPID FUCK!
hell is apparently what i have signed myself up for. today
i was speaking about all of these summer associate positions
i'm hoping to get and the attorneys i work for were telling
me how they didn't envy me.
"god you get treated like a bitch." (mind you this is
coming from 30 to 40 year old women).
"yeah, they lambast you. i can't even tell you how horrible
"christ, well if someone's an ass, i'd just leave."
"yeah right, you can't do that."
"uh huh, word travels."
now this was starting to make me mad. how come it has to be
inevitable that people will treat me like shit?
but they kept on at it. saying how "you get paid to take it."
get paid to take it? what the fuck?
and then i thought back (i actually wrote a journal bout
this a few years back) about this junior associate at this
huge law firm i used to work at.
and how this senior partner just yelled his ass into the
ground and made him into a little sally bitch. at the time
it was quite amusing.
but the thing is, i have just a little bit too much of my
dad in my for that to happen. i have this horrible feeling
that if that were to happen to me, word would travel mainly
through the evening news.