Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
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2001-10-09 20:27:36 (UTC)

The soap opera goes on!

Well diary, sorry I didn't write last night. I was
entirely too depressed. By yesterday afternoon, it seems
that I had either been betrayed and/or dumped by two of my
best friends. The female friend betrayed me and MAJORLY
stabbed me in the back, and the male friend was so hurt my
a combination of things, he was in the process of blocking
any communications from me altogether!
Therefore, due to betrayal and to protect myself, I have
changed the name of my diary and the diary owner. Sorry
for any confusion that this may cause. It seems that the
old saying of how it's easier to look in someone else's
backyard before cleaning your own, has proven itself true.
This 'friend' of mine has problems of her own, that out of
respect for the sanctity of marriage, regardless of whose
or why, I shall not go into. Let it suffice to say that
she has more than enough on her plate to be passing
judgement on mine! I find out that not only has she messed
around with a guy that I had dated (which in the sense of
true friendship, even though we aren't together anymore,
you just do not do!), she has been being two-faced with me,
accusing me of lying to her, but never approaching me about
it, telling people that I am messed up, and that my
emotions are really bad, etc., etc., etc.
Well, that is the pot calling the kettle black, so far as I
am concerned! If anything, I am more healthy emotionally
and physically now than I have been in years!!! Especially
considering the circumstances of my divorce, broken
relationships, lost my job, etc. I am taking steps to
improve my life, I am seeking counseling, I am enrolling
for school, and I just don't need crap like that from
anyone! And, on top of that, she is betraying confidences
that I may share with her to antagonize someone else's
life, without thought of how it affects the confidant who
shared with her.
Okay, I have to get on a positive side here somewhere. I
started studying on block 2 of my divorce recovery and
rebuilding. If you remember, the first one was called
denial. This one is called fear. Gee, imagine that!!!
LOL. I am in the process of learning (I haven't finished
studying this one yet) about this particular block. So
far, I am discovering that all that I felt at first and
continue to feel on occasion is normal.
It is sooo hard to say that you are divorced, it's like you
failed somewhere along the way. It's like, well, who's
going to want me with a record like that? I have got to
learn how to turn this fear that is borderline paralyzing
me into one that will motivate me to be better.
One of the statements that I read, that really put
everything in a nutshell for me that explains not only my
dealings with my ex-husband, but also what happened to me
and D, when there was a me and D. It's a quote from
someone in one of the many workshops that the author led.
It says "....afraid of being alone, and at the same time
isolating myself, afraid of never really being loved again
and yet pushing love away when it got too close...."
Oh my!!!! How that is me!! I am learning that feared
situations that I don't face, are more likely to
occur....hmmmm thinking about that.
Well, I shall address more about these fears a little
later. The good news of the day! I start working
tomorrow!! My son's day care is hiring me to work with 18-
24 month olds! I will work from noon to six pm for right
now, with a possibility for full-time when it comes
available. I called my mom, all excited, and all she could
talk to me about was the negative aspect, driving downtown
to drop off my son, then going home and going back, how is
this going to cover your bills, etc. It's like, damn!
Here I am having a parade for myself, and you gotta just
rain all over it!
I am trying to get registered for school, I want to go to
college, my parents couldn't/didn't give me that
opportunity 10 years ago (although both of my brothers got
the offer) and I want to do something that is good for me
and my son in the long run! Forgive me if we have to
tighten the reins a little on the budget for awhile when
Mommy does this! Gosh, it's amazing. I have one brother
who has had 3 DWIs, a 2nd degree felony charge, been
evicted out of his apts gosh only knows how many times,
does all these things, and yet he skates around with Mom
and Dad.
I bust my ass for the last 12 1/2 years, I make a living
for myself all of this time, take care of my son,
everything, and all you can do is point out the negative?
No wonder I have self-esteem and motivational issues! No
wonder I have my times where all I wanna do is drink! My
parents put me there. Between my parents and my 'friends',
add that to the normal stresses of being between jobs and a
single parent with little to no child support, and what the
hell else do you have? A BIG OLE MESS!!!!! Oh well, talk
to ya later!


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