lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2007-07-19 23:43:38 (UTC)

searching for the missing

12:49 Thursday

My brother's engagement party is on Sunday and I
really hope I'm okay for that mentally. I have more then
enough meds and have been doing better then usual so the
odds are I'll be fine. The only awkward moment will be
seeing my father that I hope will be able to put the
bullshit behind us even if it means, giving him the
benefit, letting him think he was right for leaving to the
lake a day before he said he was going to help me out only
because I wasn't at home to answer his messages which were
mean spirited showing that the nice father role he was
playing was just a persona. I was well aware that he was
going to help me the day after and didn't need
conformation; it was obviously just an easy way of getting
away from helping me. He might not even show up because
after the last time he came to my brother's home he told my
second oldest brother, Brian, that I intentionally made him
look stupid. It was a while after my accident and my first
attempt to be a part of the family again that had it's
pro's and con's. I spent nearly all my time in his
computer room putting music on my Ipod Shuffle, not because
I was avoiding family but because I was having trouble
figuring things out and wanted as many songs I could put on
it as possible. I had gotten it from Brian as a joint
gift, for Christmas and my birthday, because they're so
close together. I always like it that way because the gift
would normally be better then if they were separated
As much as I love my apartment, the rent here has
almost reached six hundred dollars and most likely I'll be
forced out when my worker finds out how high the lease has
gotten. Nobody can live off the remaining money, even if
they hit up every food bank they could or worked a minimum
wage job. It's over-priced and I feel like a sucker paying
that much to live in the ghetto. With the help I get from
my mother and occasionally my father, I still barley make
it by. Pam my landlord just figured out that they were
over charging me, surprise, surprise and that was the
reason for all the red slips slid under my door saying that
I was short on rent when they had increased my rent well
over what they should have and that the money I owe them
is way less then what they thought. It's no new news to
me, Mark, the previous landlord had told me that they were
notorious for doing this.

I don't know exactly how but I owed my Internet
service money from a long time ago due to unpaid bills and
the modem that I still have. It was under my real name so
I decided to try and get a new account under a fake name.
It worked and everything was fine until recently.
Somewhere along the line in the last month my mother must
have used my real name even though I always told her not to
and that they would shut if of if she did. It's not her
fault and I'm not mad at her or anything, she had three
strokes and that can extremely fuck up your memory. Most
likely I'm going to get my Internet shut off soon and won't
be able to write in here, update my website or search the
Internet, my only form of entertainment. It seems like
there's always some sort of drama going on in my life no
matter how hard I try and avoid it.

After some strange dreams that again took place in a
large cement parking lot were people, including me were
setting up a carnival. I've never had a similar occupation
so I'm not sure where these thoughts come from, maybe a
past life.
Lately people have tried to become my friends; the
dude at the pawnshop gave me his number, the worker who
helps around the apartment, Scott from the meetings, Bear
and Rachael who used to be Jam's girlfriend. Both times I
saw her she was drunk but I can tell that all she needs is
a friend, one who doesn’t drink every day. She works three
jobs and still manages to drink all the time; her own
mother calls her a drunk. She probably only drinks because
she's over worked and lonely. Out of all of these people
I'm extremely nice to them but haven't really chilled with
any but Bear.

My mother has been doing really good health wise and
so have I. Today I bought shrimp and pork steak that I'm
looking forward to eating. There my two favorite foods,
I'm off to continue to write my book that's been going
really well, chain-smoking and filling in the blanks of
days I suppressed and have only now began to remember as I
write day by day. I'm off to eat and listen to the radio,
the crimes of the world interest me for some reason maybe
because how lenient we are to people in North America as
compared to other parts in the world. If you’re a
criminal, it's the best place to be.

I miss so many people that used to be a big part in my
life, people that have moved on and so am I slowly. It's
hard to start again but that's what happens when you get my
age, life isn't as fun anymore and you have to plan out a
future if you plan on living. I never used too and thought
I would be gone by now but since I'm not, I have to look at
all my options and pick a few because as life goes on not
one will work out. It’s like gambling and you hope one
ticket will win, I'm glad I never had kids at a young age
or that would be my main concern and now I'm left with
decisions and maintenance. Like my mother taught me
without knowing, taking care of yourself should always be
on the top of your list and soul searching is the most
important aspect of life. A job is just something in the
background unless you somehow find one that helps your
search like almost every job my mother ever volunteered or
worked, unfortunately her search ended in sickness and I
think her story needs to be told and is a large part of my
memoir. I often wonder if she ever thought she found her
place in the sun before her first stroke and hope she did.

lee





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