Jonathan

Random (boring) Thoughts
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2007-07-17 00:58:43 (UTC)

Popping some Pills

If you're a scientologist, or just a fan of Tom Cruise, I
urge you to stop reading now. If you're only somewhat
crazy (let's face it: you're reading my journal, so you're
a little strange), feel free to read on.

I'm a strong believer in the motto "Better Living Through
Chemistry." Have high cholesterol? Wash down that bacon
cheeseburger with a little pill, and you'll be good as
new. Don't have as much energy as you used to? Try some
cocaine. Feeling a little down lately? Shoot up
some black tar heroin and you're good to go!

Yes, drugs are great, but with them all come the dreaded
side-effects. Watch a few commercials on daytime TV and
you'll see what I mean.

Most side effects tend to be mild. There's the common dry
mouth, watery eyes, or stomach ache that could accompany
some of the more mild perscription drugs out there. What
gets me is the medications which treat symptoms that are
less intrusive than the side effects which they create.

If you try to cure your dry eyes, you may end up with
extreme dizziness, nausea, vomiting, loss of sexual
desire, genital shrinkage, or the dreaded "anal seepage."
I think I'd rather just blink a lot, but maybe that's just
me.

The best I've ever seen, though, was an ad for a
medication which treats "restless leg syndrome," known to
Seinfeld fans as "the Jimmy Legs." I swear to God, this is
the disclaimer at the end of the commercial: "Call your
doctor if you develop a chronic gambling problem or feel
the overwhelming desire to participate in deviant sexual
behavior."

I've got news for you: if you can't see that a gambling
problem and strange sexual compulsions are worse than
restless legs, you probably deserve to be on the
medication. For the rest of you sane individuals out
there, I think you'll see how freaking ridiculous this
stuff is.

I can just see some poor bastard going to a support
group: "My name is Peter Eter. I lost my wife because I
couldn't control my desire to have sex with underage farm
animals and I lost my life savings at the track, but at
least I no longer have a mild case of the jimmy legs."


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