Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2007-07-05 02:12:31 (UTC)

A Purgatoried Ending

I'm feeling sad right now. It happens at the strangest,
and most unopportune, times. I supopse that's always the
case. I just feel sad right now. He's called me three
days in a row, from Korea, and while every single part of
me wants to be nice, every single part of me always wants
to scream, How long are you going to keep doing this for?
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or how I'm
supposed to be acting or reacting now. I don't know why
he calls...I think he must be lonely. I'd like to think
he's missing me but...I don't know. I really don't know.
I got annoyed tonight, when he called, and it was only a
few minutes of a call, anyway, and then he just left,
saying he just wanted to say hi, and see how my day had
been, before he went off to start his day. He's getting
his mobile phone today, which is where he was off to
before school starts. And I wanted to take a page from
his one-liners, and say, What are you trying to do,
torture me?

I shouldn't be this upset...but when he called the other
night and showed me his apartment over the webcam, I sat
down and sent quite the upset rant of an e-mail to someone
else. And tonight, I just...I had to call him back
because I got worried he was upset with me for being short
with him, and he was all concerned and said no, he's not
at all angry, he thought I sounded tired and was I
alright, and I about started crying and lashing out at him
all at once. I managed to hold it back, but that just
makes me testy and short with people again.

I don't know if this is normal. I don't know. I don't
know if he should be calling all the time. I don't know
if I should miss him. I don't know if I should feel as
guilty about so many things as I do. I sort of...just
want us to not talk for a while. Maybe that's my way of
avoiding and escaping. I don't know. I just...every time
he calls, I feel like I'm never going to get out of this.
That he still thinks everything is normal and okay. I
told him I had to talk to him. He said we could talk as
long as I wanted on the weekend. I said, so why couldn't
we do that before you left? He said it would have been a
good idea. And when I asked you and asked you to talk to
me? He wishes he had, or something, I don't know what.
I'm so frustrated and upset. And then I wonder...am I
such a bitch? So pathetically unable to communicate? Was
it all me? Am I going to be this way with the next person
or people I get involved with? Always interrupting and
saying I told you so and all these stupid things I can't
stand? I can't stand who I've become...a stupid,
pathetic, judgmental, right quick little bitch.

You know...I said to someone before he left that it
wouldn't matter if we broke up or not, because we'd still
be friends and nothing would change. In other words:
we're already living like friends/roommates, nothing is
going to change if we break up, just we won't say "I love
you" or "I miss you", and we won't be living together.
And that's what I feel like is happening right now and it
sucks. It sucks because I want away from this. I want to
be alone. I don't want to have a quasi-relationship with
someone right now. I don't want to have a quasi-
relationship with someone who up and left the country
without really talking about it properly. I didn't want
to be with him any more when he was here - I don't really
want to be with him when he's not here. But then I
think...maybe I'm just being a jerk because he's just
lonely and wanting to talk to a friendly voice who cares
about him, because I know I would do the same. And...he
doesn't really have anyone else. I'm sort of it, aside
from his family. It really can't be easy for him, not at
all. I feel bad, but angry, and upset, and sad, and
guilty, and angry, and upset, and sad, and guilty...and on
and on it goes, with a thousand other emotions thrown in
as well.

I don't know. The second he calls, I get angry and upset
and I don't like that either, then I feel terrible for
feeling that way and acting like that to him, and then
even more guilt sets in, and on and on it goes in a great
big lovely circle.

I'm mad, aren't I? I really just need to suck it all up
and just get through it but god knows I couldn't possibly
do that. I need to just bite the bullet and say, again,
in plain language, I am done...but even when I do that, I
don't think it will change a goddamn thing.

And now I want to cry because I feel so pathetic and
because I just don't know what the right thing to do right
now is. I don't want to hurt him completely and terribly,
but I can't take care of him any more. Not that I was
entirely before. But whatever. And then...god...maybe
I'm reading it all wrong and he's just calling me because
that's what you do with your friends, you miss them, you
call them, you check in with them, you have a
conversation, you go again.

I am such a mother fucking stupid ass pathetic incompetent

Well fucking done, K2. As usual. Well fucking done.