This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-07-04 18:02:51 (UTC)

The temptation to run

I remember when I had just started going through the healing
process with God over a year ago. I had had my affiar, and
God was calling me to a kind of love that was real and
authentic, and that required me to really lay down my life
to follow him. I ran. I ran to other people to numb the
pain (look up my old blogs on myspace for more dtails about
this). I remember that process very well - God was offering
me something real - the very thing that i had been searching
for right along - and it was scary and hard for me to deal
with. I had to FORCE myself to stay, to go through the
healing process with God, and not to run back to the world.
I KNEW that if I went through this process for a short
time, it would have benefits later on.
And it does. Pople say to me that they wish that they could
have the kind fo intimacy with God that I have...well first
off, let me tell you that I will ALAWYS be in a growing
process....but second let me tell you that it required
something of me.

Now I'm dating someone. Josh, his name is. What I have with
him is what I have longed for in a man for my entire life.
Such an amazing spiritual unity, I really believe that God
has us for each other - and although perfect love DOES drive
out all fear (especially when I'm around him) I am still
battling my temptation to run.
Just another step in the healing procses. God is bringing me
one layer deeper. He's forcing me to deal with this aspect
of my personality. when I encounter difficulty - the tough
stuff, I run. I just book it out of there. I'm so tempted
to run right now.
to Just say "screw this". It's everything that I've wanted,
it's the fullness that God has for me, but I'm not strong
enough for that. We were all designed for greatness, but
I'm starting to understand why not everybody achieves it -
because it's easier to stay medeocre.
At least with the "imitation of love" relationships that
I've had in the past I know the heartbreak to expect - and I
can keep myself at a safe emotional distance - this one
requires too much of myself. Too much vulnerability and
chance to be shattered.
If Josh and I don't work out, this will be the one that
ruins me. Truly. I will be devestated, and I'll become one
fo those angry bitter people who is cynical about love.
But maybe before it falls to shreds, if I am the one who
maes it fall to least then I'll know what to
expect. Terrible, huh?

I'm so torn. In the name of Jesus I claim the victory of the
Lord over my life. I declare that I live in a freedom to
love and to be loved, a freedom to heal and to grow. I will
allow God to carry me through the minefield and the wounds.
Lord, I will go there with you, but please promise not to
leave me. I can't do this if you leave me. I love you Lord,
I need you Lord.

Josh I'm sorry for my weakness sometimes. You'll have to be
patient with me as I continue to work through this healing
that God's bringing up in me. it's all part of the
"maturity and completion" in Him thing. I love you and I
need you to be strong for me as well, and not be intimidated
by my stuff.