This is the beloved air I breathe
2007-07-03 17:18:59 (UTC)

perfect love casting out all fear

Perfect Love casting out all fear

There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes
fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death,
fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. - the
message (1John 4:18)

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is
not made perfect in love. - NIV(1John 4:18)

Ok - I have a ton to say - I know that most of you are
turning to this blog because you see the pic change, and are
like "whose that?"....Don't worry I'll tell the story...but
I'm gonna make you work through it. The story is absolutley
inseparable from the lessons that God's been teaching me, so
please don't just read the first part and then close the
window...and I beg you...COMMENT ME!!! :)

OK, story time: (gather around children...)

and YES, his name is many "J" poor parents will be all sorts of

Josh and I have been myspace friends for quite a while - we
met through here (how? I don't quite remember,
actually....through a group maybe?) he and I talked here and
there.....a few weeks ago we started talking through IM,
then on the phone. He told me that he was going to Creation
with his church, and I was actually going with mine as we planned to meet up there.....Pretty basic
story. What's not pretty basic is all the in-between's.
He's a mighty man of God. He's got an amazing call over his
life to preach, and he's anointed to that end. (works with
kids at this point). When we were talking on Im, there was
such an attraction, and when we talked on the phone, there
was an awesome attraction/connection. Now, my previous
experiences have taught me not to jump the gun, go get all
girly and excited and throw caution to the wind. I exhaust
myself (and I'm sure most of my friends...)with all this
"He's the one" crap about every guy who walks into my life.
Listen, I'm a girl whose real about everything - including
my weaknesses. Plus, if I didn't say it, most of you would
be thinking it anyway :).

So I went into this meeting excited, but reserved. Add an 8
hour, exhausting and FRUSTRATING car drive from Connecticut
to the heart of Pennsylvania, coupled with my lack of sleep
nights prior because Josh and I had been up talking on line
most of those nights. ....our initial meeting was less than
magical. I think we were both disappointed that there
wasn't more of an initial impression. I was grumpy and he
was....well...actually he was very nice, and helped me set
up my I was grumpy....ha, and tired...and
it was wet and rainy....

Over the course of the week, we spent a lot of time getting
to know each other in person (which, I have to say is
different then talking to someone online....Xris - remember
when we used to talk on IM, and then it was weird talking in
person at first when we would see each other?)
By Friday night we were talking comfortably, and ::giggles::
...holding hands ::sigh::
If I could describe to you the feelings that go through my
body when his finger touches my hand, I would - but I
can''s indescribable. He and I talked about how the
attraction is an unusual one - one that neither of us had
ever experienced before. It was what distinguishes him from
any relationship I've ever had thus far - it's a spiritual
attraction. I don't quite know how to describe it, except
that its what's been missing from every relationship, but I
didn't know it until I experienced it. Remember when people
have told you "when you're in love you'll know it?" and then
you go through life and you think you are in love, and then
you go through another relationship and you "know" you are
in love and "this time it's really it"...and then you break
up and move on to another relationship (lol, and in my case
you may encounter a few of "this time it's really it"'s) but
then there comes a point (some people never get to this
point, I believe) when one really falls in real love - God
appointed, ordained, wrought in the heavens love. It's at
this point that you realize "oooohhhh, I NEVER "got it"
before! THIS is it!!" and all those times you said you were
in love, you were wrong....or it was a different kind of
love then you thought.

In my case, i think that in my ponderings in life, I
neglected the Soul, Spirit, Body importance. I would have
to say that this "trinity" connection is significantly more
important for those who are prophetically aware or who are
in tune with the workings of the Holy Spirit. In EVERY
relationship (or serious interest)I have been unequally
yoked. Either it was spiritually, intellectually, emotionally.

The attraction, the "connection", the love that I have
experienced was a SOUL connection. With Kevin this was very
strong - I believe that we have a very strong soul
connection - we understand the way each other thinks,
processes, we've been through similar journeys of pain, and
we communicate very well with each other - I had a stronger
soul connection with him then I've ever had with another
person - but he and I didn't have a physical connection
(lol...which became painfully obvious) and we didn't have a
spiritual connection that extended beyond that of any other
friendship. Kevin cares about me genuinely, and I confused
my desire to be understood with a desire for him. But I'm
glad that he and I continue (and hopefully will continue) to
be good friends.....and I know he's gonna do powerful things
for God in Japan!! (go get 'em KEV!)

With Josh (this Josh...I'm gonna have to come up with a
nickname so y'all don't get him confused with my
ten-thousand other friends named Josh) it was primarily and
initially a spiritual connection. We are on equal footing
in the areas that i'm aware of thus far - spiritually I
trust that he's as discerning, aware and at the same level
as I am. I believe that God speaks to him, that he listens,
and I KNOW that he prays for us and himself and me daily. I
know that he has things to teach me spiritually, but I also
believe that he is open and receptive to receiving from me
spiritually. The best way that I can describe it is that
there is a unity. A unity of spirit. God has given Josh
His vision for his life, and Josh has been obedient to
working towards that end. He went to a bible school (I
don't know exactly what kind of school it is) but I know
it's called "Faith" school and it's in Maine. a Pentecostal
training type place. But our futures lock in place with
each other - there's no conflict "tug-o-war" with
our visions for the future.

Oh, and the eyes thing...there's an eyes thing...don't know
how to describe that one either...but any of you who have
experienced it know what I'm talking about
So that leads me to the physical attraction. ....well aside
from his strong and manly arms (:) I have to tell you that
he has the most amazing face. The most amazing eyes, the
most amazing hands, the most amazing...ok, ok, I'll stop, I
don't want any of you running to the bathroom to puke. From
his standpoint, he thinks I have a sense of humor...I'm not
sure where he's getting that one though....cause I'm like
the MOST serious person I know!! ::sarcastic smile::
Needless to say there's a physical attraction there. And I
don't just mean physical attraction, I mean "soul"
connection - he has a fun-loving-ness about him, but he also
has an ability to be serious and mature when he needs to be.

Did I mention I captivate him? Yep, I do. and he's never
read the book by the way, so he's not spouting off lines
just to win my heart either - do you know what he said to
me...he actually said this: That when he's with me, he feels
absolutely at peace; at a way that he never has
before he met he found a part of himself that
he didn't know he was missing......He's strong for me. He
offers me his strength to me constantly...anyone not
following go to my blog "woman you are beautiful" - and
apparently I offer him my beauty - apparently I invite him.
How amazing.

When i was with him this week, and I was at absolute rest
and peace in his presence, I finally understood a few things
about the Kingdom that had been tripping me up. First off,
in every other relationship or desire for a relationship,
there was always a rushed quality. This was especially true
with my marriage such a sense of "let's hurry up and do this
before we fall out of love". Intellectually I knew it wasn't
right, but I think my desire to be loved overthrew the red
flags. With other guys (especially after my marriage) there
was something new : Fear. This was something Josh Mori had
to deal with constantly - I was always insecure in the
relationship, always afraid, always in need of affirmations
of love, always needing to be held so that I felt secure.
(Keep in mind, during this time, God was taking me through a
very intense healing process during this time as well.) With
this Josh, there's none of that. There's no rush to plan
for the future, none of the crippling fear, none of the
"hold me tight because i'm so afraid I'll crumble"...I've
never known a love without fear before - so now, having
experienced it, I realize that every other relationship I
ever had was not love...or at least not the love of the one
I'm supposed to spend my life with.

Do any of you remember the blog I wrote a while back on
love? I quoted C.S. Lewis from the screwtape letters - one
of the points that he makes is that Love draws to the
present. Let me tell you ladies and gentleman, I'm in the
present like NEVER before!

Second thing this is teaching me about God - up until this
point, I always used to wonder how Christians were able to
be in a relationship with a husband/wife and still have a
relationship with God. Well, let me tell you the timing on
this one was pretty cool - Jesus has been calling me into
intimacy with Him - taking me through this beautiful love
story - he has truly captured my heart in a way that I never
knew possible ( I will absolutely be blogging about that
stuff some other time) But then he brought me Josh - and
oddly enough, I find myself almost confusing him and God.
Hmmm I don't know how to explain this without sounding
creepy - When Josh is holding me in his arms, I feel closer
to God. I'm so thankful to God - but it's not just a "I'm
thankful to God for you..." it's that there's such a strong
spiritual connection between us that the two of us together
brings down the presence of God. Is that ridiculous? (hey
guys, comment on that for me, will ya?). That must be what
a spiritual unity is - Wow.

Ha. With all of the words I've just spoken, really the only
one that best describes it is "wow". Haha, he and I spend
hours looking into each other's eyes (well, we would have to
look away a times, cause it was so intense and incredible)
with that cheesy goofy look on our faces (I'm sure you'd all
laugh at the google eyes if you saw them) and all we can say
to each other is words like "wow" and "incredible" and
...."wow"...haha. :;laughing:: REALLY was like that,

I'm not really sure what else to say. I'll be driving to MD
a lot. I know he'll be coming up here often as well - so all
of my core friends will get to meet him (Doris, Mom Dad,
Rose and Becki are all on my list of people who will need to
meet him) I know that Doug and Michelle, Kevin (if you
aren't in JAPAN yet!!) pastor Gay, pastor Spada, and
obviously Ashley will all meet him cause we all hang out on
a regular basis.

One last thing: I'm not sitting here declaring that I've
found the one I'm supposed to be with and bla bla....because
I've said all of those things before and I was wrong. I'm
telling you that this is an amazing thing, and I refuse to
try to justify it with words to convince you all that "this
time is different". We speak for ourselves, and when you
see the two of us together, that will be as good of an
indication as other -

My trip to vacation was like a fairy tale. I truly couldn't
have written a more romantic story had I made it up myself.
It was complete with firelight, music, sunsets, and awesome
fun and time with God. (and rain). The thing that made it
the MOST romantic? The smell of the PORT-O-POTTIES wafting
over from the outhouse area. There's NOTHING in the world
more romantic than that....

I love you all, leave your COMMENTS!
--oh and if you are one of Josh's friends/family members
reading this (lol, cause I'm sure you will be curious about
the 'new girl') PLEASE send me a message or a friend
request. I want to get to know you guys!