NJ

Deception♥
2007-07-03 03:42:10 (UTC)

second attempt at free association...

(I hand wrote this ealier.)

[Ok, this is my second attempt at a free association but it
is really hard for me to clear my head. I keep thinking
"don't write about Mike" because it's something I don't want
to face. I'm so mad at myself for having sex with him. I
mean, what was I thinking?? Damn if my grandparents find
this paper they would freak out. They are so damn catholic
and I'm not. Even though they think I am. I don't believe
in God. How can I? What if there is nothing after death?
I don't want to get old and shit, there is so much I am
going to regret. I hate my life. I need change.]

...that's all I got, because my hand started to hurt.

The one thing that I have been avoiding is the whole thing
that happened with Mike. After Josh dumped me I had sex
with Mike. Just once. But I wish I hadn't. I don't want
to get into details about the incident itself, but I really
need to deal with these feelings.

The reason I did it was because I wanted to feel something.
I think. Plus I was horny. But emotionally I was
unstable. I was heartbroken over Josh. Now I have this
shadow over my head. I had only known Mike for a week! I
feel like I don't even know myself, I certainly don't trust
myself. Maybe I was trying to equate sex with love,
although I know that they are not the same thing. I'm not
stupid. But I was searching for something to make me forget
Josh. Something to separate myself. But now I'm confused
about my feelings towards Mike.

Ugh. I don't want a relationship, but I don't want to be
single either. That leaves one option: friends with
benefits/ fuck buddies. But I don't want that either!!!
What the hell do I want? I don't know!! I want to feel
happy. That's it. Is that so much to ask??




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