Koralreef

An inconcluded life
Ad 2:
2007-06-20 17:43:33 (UTC)

Happiness

about 16 or 17 years ago, and by mere coincidence, I had
the opportunity to meet someone. Guitarman. It happened
to be that he was part of a program and I was also part of
that program but he broke some rules and had to be sent
back home. My job in the program was to host "emergency"
cases. He was one of those. I was supposed to keep him in
quarantine for a week.

Guitarman had very strong reasons for breaking the rules
and to some extent I understood him. However, this meant
that I had to comply with further rules of not allowing
him to move anywhere.

I was 19, he was 17.

When we met it was immediate infatuation... mutual.

His deep blue eyes with his tanned skin and soft, blonde
hair matched perfectly with the most beautiful smile I
have ever seen in a guy. He had a little space between
his two front teeth that made him look incredibly sexy.
Guitarman was not alone. He broke the rules together with
another associate of his: beerman. Beerman was just a
complete wacko who I'm sure influenced Guitarman's
decision to break the rules.

I could not help it but let myself be guided by my
senses. I broke the rules. We went out to the movies, for
dinner, to visit friends, it was a full week of taking
advantage of the last minute in that country.

I decided to take him to my beach house for the weekend.
It has beerman, guitarman, my best friend from childhood,
the driver and me. It was a crazy weekend and when we got
there, the electric power was not working. To make the
trip worth it, we went to the beach for a walk. And we
held hands and we kissed... and we kissed. We never
consumated the act of sex, as we were just teenagers who
could spend hours kissing. That's what we did.

The weekend was over and it was time to go back home. The
reason I call him guitarman is because he is the only guy
that has ever played my guitar. And he played it like an
angel with his harp. I know it was not love. It had to be
infatuation as we did not have the time to get to know
each other, but still there was something so special about
him that I thought it so hard to let go of him and say
goodbye.

And we promised to keep in touch and to meet up again to
take a trip together through America. But shit happens and
I fucked up and messed up my life. We tried to get in
touch but we would always miss each other. We were never
able to take that trip. And thus his memory faded away.
Every now and then I thought about him and wondered. What
if? I tried to contact him with the growth and development
of the internet, but it was like he had vanished from the
phase of earth. He was gone.

Last year I received an email from guitarman. 17 years
later. I was in shock to read his name on my screen. I
just could not believe it. He was married and had 2 kids.
Oh well.. I guess it is the shit happens factor again
playing dirty in my life. I backed off as I did not want
to have again the experience of putting my hopes on a
married man. But he wrote again... and again... and again.

I've been through so much that I don't know any more what
to believe and what not to. Since May we have been
chatting almost daily and he's been sending me text
messages. Typical man story that he is having trouble with
his wife yatta yatta but he's got 2 beautiful kids that he
cannot leave cuz it would break his heart.

Why on earth then, would he attempt to give me so much
attention and want to receive attention from me? He calls
me on the phone and plays the guitar for me. He sings for
me. He even sent me a song that he had made for me back
then when we had met the first time. And that song
described perfectly everything we went through in that
efimerous week.

I don't know what to do or what to think any more. He has
been very clear in terms of not being able to promise
anything as he does not want to give me false hopes, but
then what should I do? Should I just move on and leave
the "what if" factor in the air? Or should I be a
risktaker again and allow myself to be embraced by the
feeling of hope and the possibility of yet again, another
heart break?

I'm rather tired of this never ending story of me and
impossible love. I would so like to be like a normal woman
my age in a normal relationship with a family and kids and
a house and the desire of wanting to set roots somewhere.
I'm tired of not being able to say that I have really
achieved something in terms of my love life.

What is happiness? I know what it is not.
Happiness is not the perfect job one can be in love with.
Happiness is not a bank account with enough money to spend
on whatever can come to your mind.
Happiness is not knowing that you are financially secure.
Happiness is not having many friends that love you.
Happiness is not living in the safest country of the
world.
What is happiness then? I don't know and life is just to
hard when you just know that you don't know.


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